A surge protector will solve all my problems and everything will be perfect for the rest of my life.

In this post: Taste buds, shopping, a Putz of the Week.

I’ve got so much monumental news to tell you I almost don’t know where to start, so I thought I’d just divide this post into neatly-labeled paragraphs to help you go with the flow. Thank you.

I CAN’T TASTE ANYTHING. My taste disorder is back. It’s one of those crappy symptoms of diabetic autonomic neuropathy that comes and goes, although lately it comes more than it goes. At the present time the only flavors I can taste with any distinction are chocolate, horseradish, Vienna sport peppers, hot & sour soup and fish sticks. Strangely enough, I actually think I can live with this.

MY HUGE-ASS ORDER WITH NETRITION. I had a chance yesterday to stock up on the world’s finest low-carb crapola. Not only does Netrition.com sell most of their products 10% below retail, if you spend $200 you get an extra 5% off ... so I spent $200, which is pretty easy to do when it’s FOOD. Yesterday’s huge-ass order included all of the excellent items pictured here: 1) cherry Stevita sugar-free drink mix powder that tastes exactly like Kool-Aid; 2) three boxes of ChocoRite milk chocolate bars; 3) three boxes of Health Express chocolate chip cookies; 4) ten boxes of Homestyles beef chili; 5) seven bottles of DaVinci sugar-free syrups (we make a lot of phosphates); 6) three bottles of sugar-free Thai chili pepper sauce; 7) three jars of Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce; and 8) a variety of incredible low-carb bread things, including hot dog buns and REAL PUMPERNICKEL. Pumpernickel, people! Holy crap!

Regarding those Health Express cookies. I ordered chocolate chip but couldn’t find a photo of them online so I used cinnamon for the illustration instead. Just pretend they’re chocolate chip and don’t give me any grief about this, okay?

I DISCOVERED THE GREAT LOW-CARB BREAD COMPANY’S WEBSITE. These are the messiahs who sell their exciting low-carb bread, bagels and rolls on Netrition.com, such as the aforementioned hot dog buns and pumpernickel, but their own website has an even bigger product line — including DESSERTS! — so I decided to try a few lemon bars and almond cake squares. Please stay tuned for a full report.

MY AMAZON SUBSCRIPTION ORDER FOR MARCH IS TEENY. No kidding. Just six little bottles of SweetLeaf Sweet Drops in Berry and Apricot Nectar flavors because a girl can never have too many options for jazzing up her Marcytinis.

KLUTZ INSURANCE. Last night I bought myself a nice yet relatively cheap Belkin surge protector for the master bedroom closet so I can plug in my clothes steamer without dragging an extension cord into the bathroom because I ALWAYS TRIP ON THE DAMN THING, which results in smashed toes, limping and a lot of swearing. I’ve tried plugging the steamer directly into the outlet in the closet but the plug gets hot, so I’m figuring a surge protector will solve all my problems and everything will be perfect for the rest of my life. (Okay, fine, I might be exaggerating.) My new Belkin surge protector appears below for your possible interest. It has a six-foot cord, not pictured.

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And finally, here’s our latest Putz of the Week. This time we’re honoring Fox News host Stuart Varney, an entitled, sarcastic assclown who’s OUTRAGED that state governments are continuing to help hungry citizens buy food even after Congress cut $800 million from the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), also known as food stamps.

Apparently officials in Connecticut, New York and Pennsylvania have made changes to state programs to tie food-stamp eligibility with home-heating assistance, which allows more low-income families to qualify for aid. Varney remarked: “Now what’s really going on here is the government is buying votes. They keep churning out the food stamps in return for votes. That’s what’s happening.” And he believes that Republicans are the true victims here. “You are demagogued to death!” Varney cried. “You are told that you are taking food out of the mouths of children. You’re making people starve. You are bad because you’re cutting. You can’t win!”

The issue of government assistance to feed hungry people is giving this antagonistic douchebag a brain hemorrhage. But since he’s also against raising the minimum wage, Varney clearly doesn’t want the poor to feed themselves, either.

I think we all see where he’s going with this. (Have you read Charles Dickens lately?)

If Stuart Varney wants to be a jerk about cutting government spending, maybe he should promote raising taxes on the wealthy, raising the SSI cap on income, ending corporate welfare programs and encouraging Congress to pass legislation to rebuild America’s infrastructure. And then he should SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO AWAY.

Thank you for reading this.