Friday, February 21, 2014

Adelina Snottybitchkovitch wins gold.

In this post: Figure skating in Sochi, roadkill in Texas.

Before I proceed with my usual assortment of Howdygram baloney here’s a FUN GAME for you to try! If you stare really really hard at the six jars of Mezzetta giardiniera pictured in yesterday’s post as long as you can without blinking THEY’LL ACTUALLY START TO VIBRATE. (Don’t ask me how I know this.)

And now for the latest slush from Sochi! Last night’s women’s figure skating finals were, as expected, weird, unfair and generally crappy. Russia’s Adelina Snottybitchkovitch wound up in FIRST PLACE for a routine that — in my opinion — wasn’t as good as Yuna Kim (South Korea) or Ashley Wagner (U.S.A.) but she won because this is Russia and you don’t piss off Putin and the Cossacks on home turf. Mao Asada (Japan) would’ve been right up there, too, if she hadn’t landed on her can during a spin.
I’m sorry, people, but all of us at the Howdygram are convinced that figure skating is not a valid Olympic sport because the results and medals are based on subjective decisions by a bunch of anonymous judges with their own national agendas. I think medals should only be awarded for competitions with genuine measurable results, such as speed, distance, how high you can jump and how far you can throw a Norwegian. I’m sick of all the whiny figure skating hype about “fixed” judging and inflated scores. Skating is entertaining to watch but it’s really just a bunch of bullshit featuring flat-chested fairy princesses with lipstick and bad music. I get a much bigger kick from speed skating or entitled idiots bouncing down a mountain on skis. Plus they have bigger crashes.

Ready for another Putz of the Week? This time it’s a local Texas boy, 72-year-old Tink Nathan, a right-wing Republican running for a seat in the state senate. Tink’s platform? LEGALIZE EATING ROADKILL IN THE STATE OF TEXAS. Actually, I’m kind of shocked it’s NOT already legal in Texas. Who knew?
Texas Parks and Wildlife Department spokesman Tom Harvey says the agency has no official stance on Tink’s idea, but added, “There are obvious public health and safety issues.” No kidding.

So is Tink Nathan qualified for a seat in the senate? Here in Texas, you betcha! He’s: 1) the founder of Tink’s Deer Scent Company; 2) a lifetime member of the NRA; and 3) an anti-gay, anti-abortion, gun-loving REAL TEXAN with a den full of dead animal heads to prove it.
And here’s a direct copy/paste from the “Issues” page of Tink’s campaign website ... typos and misspellings included.

BIGGEST THING! Interstate off-ramp at Center Point TX Fix the road here and provide texas Paid psychologial counseling treatment for war wouned texans and combat wounded Texas law officers, and rewrite the Texas wildlife code to allow people to use road kill deer for human use. now its illegal to pick up a road kill deer why???!!!

And that, my friends, is a question for the ages. Thank you for reading this.

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