The secret to a happy marriage is lunch meat.

In this post: Lunch meat, intolerance.

Sometimes life is fraught with disappointment. Last night while I was waiting for Sam to get home from work I desperately wanted a BLT except I didn’t have any L or T so I just ate B on low-carb toast with mayo.

Which brings me to my next point: THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS LUNCH MEAT. This morning Sam went shopping at Wal-Mart and brought home two packages of Oscar Mayer Pickle & Pimiento loaf just for me. This is a man who knows how to touch my heart, and it usually involves cheap processed meat.

Because I have a lot of time on my hands these days I frequently find myself pondering why Oscar Mayer still uses archaic spellings for products like this. For instance, “bologna” for BALONEY and “pimiento” for PIMENTO. Their pretentious 19th century crap is getting on my nerves and I wish they’d stop it already. (Are you listening, Oscar Mayer?)

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This is your lucky day, people. I’ve got a brand new Putz of the Week for you and a Putz, Jr., both of which fit nicely into our overall theme-of-the-day: RIGHT-WING HORSESHIT. We’ll begin with racist Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy, the conservative darling of heavily-armed anti-government militias from coast-to-coast. Bundy has been in the news a LOT lately, trying to defend his right to graze private cattle on government land FOR TWENTY YEARS without paying grazing fees because — get ready for it — he doesn’t believe in the federal government’s right to exist. A couple of weeks ago when Bundy realized the Bureau of Land Management finally wanted him to pay up or get lost, he mobilized the aforementioned heavily-armed anti-government militias to blockade the roads near his ranch and take up tactical positions on public bridges and overpasses. GUNS! FREEDOM! AMERICA!

To further capitalize on his moment in the sun Bundy added to his credentials by spouting some heartwarming thoughts about “Negroes,” such as his belief that slavery was a much better deal for them because at least they had jobs picking cotton and a family life.

And today? Bundy released a press statement comparing himself to civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks: “I am standing up against [the federal government’s] bad and unconstitutional laws, just like Rosa Parks did when she refused to sit in the back of the bus. I am doing the same thing Rosa Parks did. I am standing up against bad laws.”

What we’re witnessing here is the final desperate trolling phase of a loser’s 15 minutes of fame, which is basically the equivalent of running out of bullets and throwing the gun. Just pay your damn grazing fees, you ignorant old coot.

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And now meet Buddy Smith of Mississippi, the leader of a group opposing equal rights for LGBT people, who believes that businesses in his state are “bullying” Christians by advertising their non-discrimination policies. As reported last week by WLOX, Mitchell Moore, the owner of a small bakery in Fondren, started providing “We Don’t Discriminate” decals to local businesses after Mississippi passed the Mississippi Religious Freedom Restoration Act to give companies the right not to serve gays and lesbians. So far the blue stickers have been distributed to more than 400 businesses.

But in a TV news interview earlier today, Buddy Smith suggested that these decals are an assault on Christian freedoms and warned that displaying the non-discrimination sticker takes away the rights of Christians. “It’s not really a buying campaign, it’s a BULLY campaign,” he asserted. “If you do that, you are agreeing with these businesses that Christians no longer have the freedom to live out the dictates of their Christian faith and conscience.”

This pathetic, demented, intolerant dickhead really needs to get a grip. In the old days Christians had no problem getting tossed to the lions. TODAY THEY CRAP IN THEIR PANTS WHEN THEY SEE A STICKER. They sure don’t make ’em like they used to, do they?

Thank you for putting up with me. I have to fold socks now.