Kesha Rogers is a fake Texas Democrat campaigning for President Obama’s impeachment.

In this post: Crappy shoes, crappy food, a crappy candidate.

Before diving into the subject du jour — RAMPANT AND SCARY FOOD POISONING — I’ll begin this post with a quick review of the atrocious fake suede mules for huge feet that arrived yesterday from Roamans.com. Please bear with me for a minute while I try to describe them accurately for you, okay? The “faux suede” is actually TEXTURED CARDBOARD, the pretend buckle is plastic, the entire base of the shoe is rock-hard styrofoam with a sprayed-on black rubber edge, and the insole is an artificial cork material with edges so sharp you could surgically remove multiple toes. Sam shipped them back for me first this morning along with a snotty note that began with the words “HOW DARE YOU CHARGE MONEY FOR CRAP LIKE THIS.”

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And now let’s discuss something equally important: AMERICA’S THIRD-WORLD FOOD PROBLEMS. In yesterday’s Howdygram post I reported on USDA food recalls due to E. coli and Listeria contamination that included 1.8 million pounds of ground beef, walnuts, fresh clover sprouts and 7½ tons of hummus and hummus dips. Unfortunately, the situation is even worse than I originally thought. Prepare yourself, okay?

In addition to all of the above, a shitload of YoBaby yogurt cups have been recalled because of coliform bacteria, a Red Robin restaurant in Springfield, Missouri, is reporting that 5,000 customers were exposed to Hepatitis A between May 8 and 16, Schnucks Kitchen supermarkets in Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Wisconsin and Missouri have recalled their deli curry chicken salad because of Listeria contamination, Pacific Organic Produce in San Francisco issued a recall of several cases of organic mangoes contaminated with Listeria monocytogenes, Kraft Foods has recalled 1.2 million cases of Knudsen, Breakstone’s, Simply Kraft and Daily Chef cottage cheese due to “inadequate refrigeration” — corporate doubletalk for HEY, THE DAMN THINGS ARE SPOILED — and last but not least, the entire population of Portland, Oregon, is boiling their tap water today after inspectors discovered E. coli bacteria from animal fecal matter (i.e., TURDS) in the city’s water supply.

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I am grieved to announce that Sam and I blew our opportunity for early voting in the Texas Democratic primary runoff election this week due to an overall lack of motivation and generally forgetting about it. However, we WILL vote on election day, which is Tuesday, May 27, because there’s a fake Democrat named Kesha Rogers running for the U.S. Senate against a genuine Democrat named David Alameel, and God forbid if Kesha Rogers accidentally ends up on the November ballot because she’s been campaigning around the state demanding President Obama’s impeachment with a picture of Obama wearing a Hitler mustache. Holy crap, right?

On a slightly lighter note, I thought you might enjoy the following infographic from Google. Bottom line: I guess Utah is kinkier than anybody thought (all those repressed Mormons) and I’d like to know what the hell is wrong with men in Massachusetts.

Thank you for reading this. At last ... it’s time for LEFTOVERS!