Einsteins, liars and scammers: the joy of AT&T.

Holy mother of crap. I don’t know why these deceitful halfwits are still in business! Today’s fiasco was the culmination of a five-day struggle that began on Friday (see previous post) when I called AT&T to inquire about a series of unexplained increases on our monthly statement. While I’m venting my frustration all over Michelle Einstein she casually mentions that if we add our cell phone bill to the rest of our AT&T account (U-Verse, digital phone and Internet) we’d qualify for $5 off per service every month. That’s a $20 discount. I LOVE DISCOUNTS! I’m thinking, GLORIOSKI, who knew? Except I’m told that first I have to change the billing authorization on our cell phone account from Sam’s name to mine (our other AT&T services are in my name, although I honestly have no idea why) so Michelle gives me all the information I need to process the change online so AT&T won’t have to smack us with a $36 service fee for no reason whatsoever. Sam and I wrestle with AT&T’s website all weekend but never manage to get the billing change to go through.

So I call back yesterday and talk to Michelle’s best friend, Allison Einstein. She agrees to waive the $36 charge because we weren’t able to make the change online by ourselves and then asks me to confirm the last four digits of Sam’s social security number, which I give her. She says, “That’s not correct. We have a different number on file for him.” So I say, “Then your records are wrong, because I know Sam’s social security number and the last four digits are blah-blah-blah-blah.” We go back and forth with this horseshit at least three times until she puts me on hold, checks her records — probably stuffed in a cardboard box in the basement of the National Archives judging from the amount of time she left me hanging — and finally figures out that another AT&T Einsein five years ago accidentally transposed the digits. At this point I’m so sick of AT&T’s on-hold messages that I’m ready to amputate my ears. Allison finally returns with exciting news that she fixed the error but can’t process the billing change because Sam has to call personally and give them verbal authorization to “release financial responsibility” to me. Just kill me now! I tell her Sam will call back on Tuesday.

It’s Tuesday at last. Around 10 a.m. Sam and I call AT&T, I repeat the entire story to yet another Einstein named Dana, and Sam gladly provides the verbal authorization they requested to change the billing name on our cell phone account. Dana asks me to hold while she transfers me to another department that will finish the process. I play three rounds of video poker and think I can actually feel my fingernails growing. Dana finally comes back to tell me the lines are really busy so why don’t I call back later and please write down the direct number. I write. Three hours later after Sam leaves for work I call back and talk to Einstein number four, Kayla, who actually manages to finish the procedure and link all of our accounts onto one bill. She tells me it might take up to two months before I see the change and I tell her that’s fine. Then I ask her to confirm the monthly discount that Michelle mentioned on Friday. Here’s a transcript of the conversation that follows.

Kayla:  “Discount? What discount?”
Me:      “On Friday when I called with a question about my U-verse statement I
              was told we’d get a discount for combining our cell phone bill with the rest
              of our AT&T account.” (She puts me on hold.)
Kayla:  “You’re right. I see you qualify for our one-time $5 discount.”
Me:       “A one-time discount? You’re not serious. I was told that it’s $5 off per
              service EVERY MONTH.”
Kayla:  “You were given incorrect information. It’s a one-time $5 discount.”
Me:      “I can’t believe I just wasted five days of my life for FIVE STINKING
             DOLLARS. Trust me, there’s a special corner of hell reserved for AT&T
             and every generation of your evil offspring!”

I might be exaggerating about that last line, but I think you get my drift. I’m so disgusted right now I don’t even want Mongolian chicken. It’s a little frightening.

Making matters even worse is the news that Sheriff Andy Taylor died peacefully today at his home in Mayberry. He is survived by his long-time paramour Helen Crump and three dozen jars of Aunt Bee’s kerosene pickles.

Thank you for reading this!