Morris-dancers threaten the London Olympics.

I’ve got 30 minutes until the Howdygram’s Summer Gefilte Fish Festival gets underway so I thought I’d use this opportunity to share some breaking news!

Naked Einstein drives his truck into a mall
to steal pants and Air Jordans.
When Dallas police responded to a call about a break-in at Southwest Center Mall they found that a naked man had driven his pickup through the glass entrance doors near Macy’s, plowed down a main corridor and over several mall kiosks, and then crashed through the metal security gate and into Champs Sporting Goods inside the mall. When police finally caught up with him he was wearing pants (thank God) with the price tag attached plus a pair of brand new Air Jordan basketball shoes. What made this Einstein think that Champs Sporting Goods was a drive-through?

The London Olympics are off to a really crappy start.

First — and most importantly — there’s apparently a monopoly on French fries at the Olympic Village. McDonald’s has been awarded an ironclad contract giving them EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO THE SALE OF ALL FRENCH FRIES sold at the Games. Even worse, McDonald’s is the only restaurant allowed to sell brand-name food, and despite complaints by British doctors and nutrition experts the food choices will be exactly the same as McDonald’s fare around the world. (Translation: HIGH-FAT CRAP.)

The newest McDonald’s at Olympic Park is the world’s largest, with a staff of 500 and seating for 1,500. They expect to serve up to 14,000 people a day. That’s a hell of a lot of lousy cheeseburgers.

Other ongoing difficulties at the London Olympics include:

• The main thoroughfare from Heathrow Airport to London is closed for bridge repairs. Seriously!
  
• Delays at airport immigration counters (customs) for incoming travelers is so slow that during an Olympics run-through this week passengers in line started slow-clapping in protest.
• Due to a screw-up by a private contractor, a shortage of 3,500 security personnel will be filled by armed military. The soldiers are rightfully furious, since the same regiments were just LAID OFF due to government austerity measures. You know your country is really broke when they have to lay off the army. Holy crap. Worse yet, this will bring the total number of military on duty at the Games to 11,000 ... that’s more than Britain’s entire deployment in Afghanistan. Lawmakers are complaining that London will look like a police state.
• The residents of Scotland are having a cow. The Games will cost taxpayers $17 billion but Scotland, 500 miles to the north of London, will reap zero benefits.
• Labor unions are threatening to go on strike during the Games, and a representative for the taxi drivers is hinting that many cabbies may refuse to work, too, after being told they can’t raise fares more than 5.3%.

And then there’s the issue of MORRIS-DANCING FLASH MOBS. Practitioners of this ancient but screwy British folk tradition are furious they were overlooked for the opening ceremony and intend to organize “flash mobs” to spontaneously entertain and frighten large crowds of people. They also plan similar stunts along the procession route of the Olympic torch. The morris men feel betrayed by ceremony organizers who want to present a more contemporary image of Britain to a worldwide TV audience by showcasing pop groups and Hollywood-style special effects.

Morris dancing began in England about 600 years ago and the word “morris” is believed to be a derivative of “Moorish.” Unlike the original Moors, however, morris dancers wear decorated leprechaun hats and fringed knickers, perform with big sticks and have jingle bells tied around their legs. I can’t imagine why the Games’ creative director would choose to exclude them ... can you?

And now, at last, it’s time to begin the Howdygram’s Summer Gefilte Fish Festival! My order from Amazon arrived a couple of hours ago and I’ve got a nice big jar that’s already cold with lots of extra horseradish. Afterwards I’ll peel a bunch of cactus pears and watch three “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover” reruns. Thank you for reading this.