Longhorns are some of the cutest people we know.

It was a nice, quiet day at Howdygram headquarters beginning with Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s, a drive through Sunnyvale, several consecutive naps, dinner at home (Easy One-Pot Greek Rice) followed by a couple of okay movies.

First we saw Passport to Suez (1943) with Warren William and Eric Blore, a thoroughly lame World War II spy thriller pretending to be Casablanca except it was based in Egypt, everybody’s accent was atrocious and the Humphrey Bogart part was played by — of all people — Sheldon Leonard (see right).  The plot was so awful we almost started rooting for the Nazi spies. And we HATE Nazi spies.

Next we saw Hell Divers, a 1931 adventure film about Navy pilots in Elmer Fudd hats starring Wallace Beery and Clark Gable with no mustache.

Hell Divers was actually way better than I expected and included some very well done fake flying scenes with plenty of fake stunts and fake pilots jumping out of fake planes with fake parachutes that wouldn’t open. There’s even a tear-jerker ending when Wallace Beery winds up saving Clark Gable’s life but has to sacrifice his own in the process and the entire crew of the U.S.S. Saratoga is crying like a bunch of girls.

Breaking news! The annual Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo opened today and runs through February 4 at the Fort Worth Stockyards. Here are a few photos for your possible interest from the kickoff parade.

Sam and I didn’t attend the parade but we love longhorns and never miss an opportunity to post photos of them. Longhorns are some of the cutest people we know.

Here’s something exciting! Tomorrow Sam will finally complete his wild-west education with a two-hour gun safety class at 10 a.m. so he can run for marshal of Mesquite in 2013. (I might be kidding about the marshal part.) Yee-haw, pass the bullets and thank you for reading this!

Cute babies, Clorox bleach and thanks for nothing, John McCain.

Here’s what I do at 4 in the morning when nobody’s looking. I order a large bottle of Maja cologne from Overstockperfume.com, a bigger and better roaster from Amazon.com and a couple of gallon jugs of Clorox bleach from Wal-Mart.com. The bleach was an especially nice bargain at $1.98. This time I’m trying that fancy-schmancy “Clean Linen” scent.

Today’s pet peeve. All of a sudden everybody is deifying SOLDIERS, and I don’t get it. Personally, I think we can blame pasty-faced screwball John McCain for this baloney because he got the ball rolling during his 2008 presidential campaign. McCain spent so much time glorifying members of the military — I even saw him cry talking about General Petraeus — that I was ready to barf in camouflage all over the TV. And I remember nutjob Sarah Palin screeching during one of her speeches that “John McCain knows how to win a war!” (Actually, Sarah, he doesn’t. He knows how to be a P.O.W.)

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad there are people who volunteer to join the military. I just can’t understand why it’s such a big hoo-hah and why we have to elevate soldiers to the status of demi-gods. Restaurants, retail stores, schools, major league sports, special event venues, airlines, car dealers and cruise ships give them discounts, freebies, honors, upgrades and extra courtesies ... but I think policemen, firefighters, Chinese food delivery dudes and the Howdygram editorial staff deserve free crap and upgrades, too, because we all provide such essential services. I’m just saying.

And now I’d like to share some heartwarming family photos. First up is my niece Melissa’s little boy, Tyler, who’s 3½ years old. Is this guy precious, or what? These were taken just before Christmas last year.

And here’s baby Cooper, one day old, posing with his father’s hand in the upper photo and with his mom, Allison (Melissa’s younger sister), in the one below it. These were taken about two weeks ago.

By the way, we didn’t go to Denny’s this morning for Senior Scrambled Eggs but I’m okay with that because I know they won’t run out and there’s always Saturday and Sunday. Thank you for reading this.

Five reasons why Sam won’t watch “Project Runway.”

Even though I can comfortably enjoy one hour each week of whiny, competitive whack jobs creating strange clothes under ridiculous working conditions, Sam’s primary issue with “Project Runway” concerns the requisite flock of flaming designers, of which the current season — “Project Runway All Stars” — boasts five of the best. They are:

The two who consistently test a straight person’s patience are Mondo and Austin. See for yourself. Here are six shots of Mondo in various teeny little outfits featuring Daisy Duke shorts, bow ties, knee socks and screwy hats. Mondo is convinced his mother didn’t know he was gay until he came out on “Project Runway” two years ago. Seriously.

For my money, Austin Scarlett makes Mondo look like Mr. Universe. He dyes and curls his hair, wears lipstick, acts like a little girl and usually looks so feminine (see below) that he finally decided to grow a mustache ... probably so he can use a men’s room without somebody beating his brains out. Austin designs evening gowns and calls himself a “diva.” That’s pretty accurate.

Happy Friday the 13th from Sam and me even though I’m the only one available at 3:15 in the morning to extend this heartfelt greeting. Sam is in bed, asleep, and I’ve got a slight touch of insomnia with a side order of Coke Zero. A few hours from now I hope to con Sam into breakfast at Denny’s because we love their Senior Scrambled Eggs. I strayed last weekend and tried a Senior Omelet, but the Senior Scrambled Eggs are better because they come with pancakes.

Thanks for stopping by. Shut the light when you’re through, okay?

You heard it here first. When all else fails, eat cake.

News flash. I’ve been surly, sardonic, pissed off, hostile and generally snotty for the last several days. The biggest issue, and I know I’ve mentioned this a million times, is that I’m so sick of my clients I could SCREAM. For months the main focus of my life has been senior citizen discounts and how soon can I retire, but clients from coast to coast are bombarding me with project requests for really stupid website updates ... all since the first of the year. Yesterday one bozo in Philadelphia sent me 27 consecutive emails with a different photo attached to each one. No kidding, I’m ready to shove a mousepad up her nose.

Another contributing factor is the pharmacy at our local Wal-Mart and how many fresh and exciting ways they can find to screw up my meds. I went three rounds on the phone this morning with a pharmacist whose primary language is Martian, trying to understand why the prescription Sam picked up on Tuesday only contained two Victoza injectable pens rather than three ... which means I’ll run out of my diabetes medication 10 days early. The pharmacist tried really hard to weasle out of it, but IT’S NOT MY FAULT if Wal-Mart mixed up my prescription numbers and filled the wrong one!

Thank God I have a fabulous physician. Tomorrow Dr. M will give me a Victoza pen for free plus a new prescription that I’ll gladly take to CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreen’s, Tom Thumb, Albertson’s or Kroger ... ANYWHERE BUT WAL-MART.

I have a suspicion my “happy pills” aren’t working too well right now. I need cake.

Incidentally, it’s cold in north Texas! The current temperature is 34° with 22° expected overnight. But that’s about it for winter, however, since we’re expecting 65° on Saturday and Sunday, the low 70s on Monday and the mid-60s all next week. There’s really no point sending mittens because we won’t need them. Send cash instead.

Thank you for reading this.

I can’t think of a title for this post. Sue me.

I meant to write a post hours ago but really haven’t had a chance. Everything is upside-down.

First, Sam didn’t get home from work until 5 this morning, so right off the bat that’s a crappy way to start your day. We woke up at 10:30, migrated into the family room and sat around like a couple of slugs eating lox and bagels and watching The King’s Speech on Showtime. Incidentally, if you haven’t seen The King’s Speech we highly recommend it. It was nominated for 12 Academy awards last year and won four (best picture, best actor, best screenplay, best director). The movie poster appears below.

After Sam went back to work at 3 this afternoon I finally had a chance to jump into a few projects of my own. Specifically, I: 1) washed, dried, folded and put away four loads of laundry; 2) made a big pot of Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage that actually managed NOT to explode all over the oven this time; 3) emptied the dishwasher; 4) reorganized a silverware drawer; 5) spent five hours at the computer working on two exceptionally tedious client projects; and 6) refilled my pill sorter for the next seven days.

My brain is fried. All I really want to do right now is eat cake, put my feet up and watch tonight’s episode of “Top Chef” even though this is their lousiest season ever and not one contestant has enough apparent talent to boil an egg.

Thank you for reading this.

Losers in the news and why you shouldn’t eat Underwood Deviled Ham.

This will probably be a post about lots of nothing special. I’ve got a list of potential topics and a few images to share, but my motivation will depend on what time I start to poop out and if Sam is coming home before sunrise or not. There’s really no way to know about Sam, because he’s got a huge hoo-hah project going on at the office and I haven’t heard from him since he pulled out of the garage at 3:15 yesterday afternoon. Let’s hold a good thought, okay?

Today’s pet peeve? Just because news websites aren’t bound by the same space limitations as print publications doesn’t mean we’re willing to read PILES OF MEANINGLESS CRAP. In addition to Todd Palin’s earth-shaking endorsement of Newt Gingrich and Chaz Bono’s upcoming trip to Belgrade to buy himself a shmeckle, I refer to the following “news stories” I found during the last 24 hours:

• Obscure former actress Kristy McNichol has “come out” as a lesbian to help teens who are bullied for their sexual orientation. Since Kristy hasn’t appeared on TV since 1995 there’s not a teen on earth who even knows who she is ... so what’s the point?
• Despicable Casey Anthony releases a video to show off her new blonde hair, glasses and nose rings.
• A 21-year-old Iranian man wound up with a permanent erection after having “good luck with your journeys” and the letter “M” (his girlfriend’s initial) tattooed on his penis.
• Desperate D-list celebrity and “Dancing with the Stars” flop Kate Gosselin will hostess a party on a Royal Caribbean cruise and sell autographs to her fans. Kate Gosselin has fans?

I couldn’t find a photo of the stupid Iranian dude’s penis. (Sorry.)

In breaking news, the Wall Street Journal reports that Hostess, beloved Texas-based maker of popular polyester lunchbox snacks, is filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy because they owe their vendors more than $50 million. It’s too soon to know whether or not Twinkies and Ding-Dongs will emerge unscathed so the Howdygram recommends stockpiling your favorites TODAY.

And finally, does anybody remember Mason Reese, that funny little kid back in the mid-1970s who did all those cute TV commercials for Dunkin’ Donuts, Raisin Bran and Underwood Deviled Ham? Here’s a photo of Mason today for your possible interest and amusement ... living proof that nobody should ever eat deviled ham under any circumstances.

It’s almost 1 a.m. and I still haven’t heard from Sam, so maybe I’ll mosey into the family room and watch last night’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn.” If you’ve never seen this program I highly recommend it. It’s about a Jewish family’s gigantic pawn shop in Detroit’s inner-city area, and the customers that come and go are a collection of loudmouths, lunatics and homicidal maniacs you really don’t want to miss. This is TV at its finest and even Sam is starting to enjoy it. My favorite part is when security has to throw out one of the aforementioned homicidal maniacs. (This happens a lot.)

My very best regards to your family. Thank you for reading this.

Behold ... “gefilte fish for goyim.”

I’m running on empty today and I can’t figure out why. I had more than enough sleep last night in addition to a two-hour nap that ended at 3 p.m. just in time to watch Sam leave for work. However, I need a little extra energy to tackle the mountain of laundry waiting for me so I’m thinking I should scrounge up something fun to eat, such as frosted cake and leftover egg foo young. (I have a really nice life.)

I have a question for you. What the hell is wrong with baloney? Baloney is basically a hotdog on steroids that’s mighty wonderful on white bread with two slices of American cheese. Sam completely disagrees, makes a face and says baloney is “gefilte fish for goyim.”

Please post a comment or send an email if you’re a baloney fan so I won’t get too despondent about this. Baloney is good. Nobody should hate on baloney.

Today’s pet peeve. Idiot clients who make me resend email attachments over and over and over because they can’t figure out how to retrieve them on a Blackberry. I just went five rounds with a bozo bridal consultant in South Carolina who kept writing back: “I didn’t get the attachment.” This is YOUR problem, Einstein, not MINE. Figure out how to use your stupid phone and stop wasting my time.

Today’s other pet peeve. Deadbeats. And I refer specifically to one client in particular who’s been making me crazy for THREE YEARS and can’t pay her bills under any circumstances whatsoever. Her credit card is rejected every time a quarterly web hosting payment is due and I wind up with another lie from her growing arsenal: 1) my purse was stolen; 2) a scam just wiped out my bank account; 3) my house is in foreclosure and I can’t pay you; 4) I’m out of the country and don’t have my bank password; 5) I need to feed my family first; and 6) I’ll have to get back to you on (pick one) Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, tomorrow, tonight or next week. She’s officially out of second chances. If she can’t cough up her quarterly hosting payment by the end of the day tomorrow I intend to shut down her website. To tell you the truth, I haven’t been this excited about anything since I discovered sugar-free halva on Amazon.com.

Incidentally, despite evidence to the contrary, I have NOT turned into a cranky old poop-head even though I just hung up on a telemarketer from the Mesquite Lions Club and wrote two rather intense paragraphs about pet peeves. I’m just an attractive and opinionated senior citizen with zero patience for morons, dimwits, jerks, frauds and Einsteins. Thank you for reading this, and I sincerely hope you’re having a wonderful day.

Lose the itchy mop dress. Seriously.

I almost forgot to remind everybody about “Project Runway All Stars” on Lifetime. Tune in every Thursday night at 8 p.m. Central time to watch all your least-favorite whiny losers from eight previous seasons. I’m not sure I’ll have the stomach for this, but after surviving 12 weeks of “Work of Art” I guess I can put up with damn near anything.

Here, for your possible interest, are two of the runway fashions from last week’s episode. Mila designed an outfit from plastic-covered lawn chair fabric and phone cords; April’s dress was a macramé monstrosity made of floor mops. They’re both frightening — would you want gigantic train tracks running around your thighs? — but the mop fringe makes me itch and the model on the right looks like she’s ready to bludgeon somebody.

I suppose that’s it for now. It’s raining, I’m tired, my feet are cold and Sam has been asleep since midnight. Thank you for reading this and I’m heading off to bed.

Introducing the official Howdygram food pyramid.

Can you smell it? I just took a sugar-free yellow cake out of the oven to cool. Frosting is the next step because every cake is better with frosting. For those of you considering a healthier diet for the new year, you may be interested to know that frosted cake stands alone at the top of the Howdygram’s official food pyramid, directly above Coke Zero.

I, for one, sincerely hope these recommendations will help all of you make better choices. I also try to consider a green vegetable at least once a month and in lieu of fruit I like gummi bears or jello.

We’ve had considerable rainfall around here today as illustrated by the map below. Our total so far is about 1½ inches with more on the way tonight and tomorrow. Howdygram headquarters is denoted by the red star, but there’s no point zooming in because you can’t see me. (It’s 47° and I’m in the house.)

In breaking news, an article this afternoon on ABC News’ website reported that Alaska’s former “first dude” Todd Palin, spouse of Sarah Einstein Palin, has endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. As if anybody really gives a crap what Todd Palin thinks. (All I need now is Kim Kardashian’s valued opinion and I’m ready to cast my vote.)

Sam will be home from work soon so I’d better frost my cake. Thanks for stopping by. Incidentally, you look terrific. Have you taken off some weight?

Fonts, freaks and a big hoo-hah from Whataburger.

It’s the middle of the night and it’s RAINING here. Water has been falling from the sky for at least three hours and will continue to fall all day today, all night tonight and all day tomorrow as well. The only difference is, we’re expecting a bunch of badass thunderstorms today starting around 10 a.m. Frankly, I can’t wait. We need the rain and I love thunderstorms. To celebrate I think I’ll spend all day cooking things, such as Sugar-Free Hungarian Un-Stuffed Cabbage and maybe a sugar-free frosted cake. I’m so excited I may not be able to go back to sleep.

Breaking stupid news. Whataburger, the south’s favorite hamburger chain for no good reason whatsoever, has introduced “spicy ketchup” for a limited time only, a fact that apparently is supposed to coerce fans of their dry, overcooked fast food to run out and give it a shot. Whataburger’s news release says their new spicy ketchup is just regular ketchup with a squirt of jalapeño puree and was produced in a “limited batch” to be served at all 730 restaurant locations in 10 states. I don’t know about you, but “limited batch” evokes somebody stirring a three-quart kettle on the stove ... not 730 restaurants in 10 states.

I’m told there’s even a Facebook page for spicy ketchup’s new flock of “friends.” Whataburger says they didn’t initiate it, but they’re LYING. No way this wasn’t a brainchild of their Einstein P.R. department because even Rick Perry isn’t dumb enough to be friends with ketchup. (I might be wrong about this, however.)

On Saturday I downloaded more free comic book fonts from Blambot.com in addition to the other free fonts I downloaded last Monday (see my earlier posts here and here). If you’re even slightly creative I strongly recommend visiting Blambot’s website for lots of inspiration.

Before I sign off I wanted also to share this photo of freakish and ghostly Mrs. Newt Gingrich, age 45, a woman so vain she must spend six hours a day gluing every hair into place when she’s not racking up debt at Tiffany’s. Just between us, she scares the hell out of me and the photo at right was actually the most flattering I could find. Two more appear below for your possible amusement.

Thank you for reading this. I apologize if I’m giving you nightmares.

John Wayne probably deserves better than this.

Good morning, Howdygramsters. It’s not quite the crack of dawn here in north Texas but I’m awake nonetheless, working on a grocery list and keeping company with a nice box of TicTacs.

Sam and I enjoyed our junket to Oklahoma yesterday even though it was slightly different than our usual experience. For instance: 1) the Choctaw Casino is hosting the World Series of Poker through the end of January so it was almost impossible to find a parking area that wasn’t reserved for the valet service; 2) neither of us won anything at the slots; 3) somebody brought a screaming baby to the buffet; and 4) they ran out of guacamole.

For your possible interest, yesterday’s featured sugar-free pie was chocolate meringue. No normal person could ever find fault with that.

I just received an email from TCM.com promoting a bunch of John Wayne merchandise that includes a few movie DVDs, a couple of hats and the 8-inch figurine pictured below that sells for $74.95.

I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a hell of a lot of money to spend on a toy that doesn’t actually do anything, such as talk, pee, dance the jitterbug, shoot real bullets or bobble its head. And poor Duke is wearing his hat like Lupe Vélez and looks like he’s straddling a moldy Chips Ahoy cookie with a kitchen towel around his neck. I’m just saying.

I should go back to bed now. Stop by later for another post because I have lots more assorted crap to write. Thank you for reading this.

Doesn’t every presidential candidate have his own grenade launcher?

I shouldn’t be here right now. I shouldn’t be sitting at my desk with a Marcytini writing a Howdygram post at 5:15 in the morning because Sam is taking me to the Choctaw Casino today to play the penny slots and eat sugar-free pie and I don’t want to conk out in the car on the way to Oklahoma! (Don’t tell anybody, but I frequently tend to do this whether I get enough sleep or not.)

And now for a little comic relief from the GOP’s race to the White House. I uncovered a feature story last night on ABC’s news website about macho good ol’ boy Rick Perry and his lifelong love affair with — you guessed it — GUNS. During a recent hunting trip in Iowa, Perry told a reporter, “It’s been a long love affair with a boy and his gun that turned into a man and his gun, and it turned into a man and his son and his daughter and their guns.” He believes the second amendment to the Constitution gives him the right to carry a gun when he goes jogging with his daughter so he can kill coyotes. (He actually does this.) Perry is pictured below with his favorite weapon of choice.

Governor Blowhard has decided not to compete in New Hampshire where a new poll shows him at the bottom of the GOP field with less than one percent, so he’s focusing instead on South Carolina where he’s polling much better at five percent. I guess we should be grateful that Michele Bachmann dropped out of the race. She gave Rick Perry a guaranteed shot at finishing last.

I think I’ll head back to bed now and keep Sam company for a couple of hours. Thanks for stopping by and don’t forget to turn out the lights when you’re through.

Ernest Borgnine is no Gene Kelly and other critical observations.

It’s Friday afternoon and I have a headache and a craving for liverwurst. This is mildly frightening, so to help ward off the demons I’ve decided to write a post that covers at least 263 different topics. Thank you for putting up with me.

Weekend plans. Sam promised me a trip to the Choctaw Casino tomorrow to play the penny slots and eat sugar-free pie, activities that seem to evoke an equally gleeful response every time he suggests them to me. We’re expecting glorious January weather — 62° with sunshine — and I might even take a few pictures to share with y’all afterwards. Then again, maybe not. On Sunday we have no plans at all, which is probably a good thing because I’ve got a couple of client projects to finish and lately it’s getting harder and harder to find the motivation. I’ve developed a snotty attitude and I want to retire.

Limited-time special while quantities last. Now that I’m all set up to process credit card sales online with a “virtual terminal” it’s probably a good time to sell the hardwired desktop terminal I’ve been using for the last couple of years.

The Nurit 2085 requires a phone jack and an electrical outlet, accepts standard rolls of 2¼-inch thermal receipt tape, is fun to dust and has little rubbery buttons that beep. You can buy the terminal new on Amazon.com for about $145 but I’ll sacrifice mine for $50 with the original box and six new rolls of receipt tape since I don’t need those any more, either. Please send me an email if any of this sounds interesting to you. By the way, you need a merchant account in order to use a credit card terminal. (I shouldn’t have to mention this, but you never know.)

Coyote serenades the Great Dallas Earthquake of 2012. On Friday morning a teeny little temblor occured in Dallas near University Park. The 2.0 magnitude quake was recorded at Northwest Highway and Inwood Road just after midnight. The U.S. Geological Survey says there were no reports of damage but a woman in Starbucks claims she heard a coyote. (I suggest she might consider cutting back on the caffeine.) For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) The epicenter at Northwest Highway and Inwood; and B) Starbucks. I have no idea whatsoever where the coyote was located.

Frankly, a 2.0 quake is about the same as a fart and not really worth mentioning. It’s amazing what I’ll do to fill up the Howdygram, isn’t it?

Anybody remember Meg Ryan? These before and after pictures pretty much say it all. The Howdygram’s official style maven — yours truly — thinks it might be time for Meg to give up on plastic surgery and that bed-head hairdo. (What looked cute at 25 gets scary at 50.)

And speaking of scary ... Transgender doofus Chaz Bono is in the news again today, announcing that he finally saved up enough money to buy himself a weenie so he can pee like a real guy in public bathrooms. I’m not joking about this.

She He will travel to Belgrade for the surgery because it’s only $45,000 and a lot less expensive than in the U.S. Chaz says he didn’t try to borrow penis money from his mother (Cher) because he wants to be self-sufficient. Also because she’d probably whack him in the head with a frying pan. (Note to Cher: it might help.).

Tinseltown’s finest hour. And finally, as a glaring example of inexplicable Hollywood casting, here’s Ernest Borgnine singing and dancing with Gordon MacRae and Dan Dailey in 1956’s musical flop The Best Things in Life Are Free. Borgnine’s performance, which could be classified as a classic train wreck, comes just one year after he played the sadistic villain in Bad Day at Black Rock and won a best actor Oscar for the title role in Paddy Chayefsky’s beloved drama, Marty. This video clip is actually fun to watch, however, because the big oaf is obviously enjoying himself. (As far as I know Borgnine never sang again on screen, and for that we should all be sincerely grateful.)

One last thought. Those Pillsbury sugar-free brownies turned out GREAT last night! Sam plunged in the minute he got home from work and ate two so fast I think he forgot to chew. Thank you for reading this.

June Cleaver, up close and personal.

I don’t know if you can smell this or not, but I’ve got pan of SUGAR-FREE FUDGE BROWNIES in the oven! Sam issued a special request yesterday after he brought home that truckload of Pillsbury mixes from Wal-Mart. I had hoped to bake them right away but didn’t have a chance after I got caught up in all that crap about my “virtual terminal.” It’s just not possible to pretend I’m June Cleaver when I actually want to bludgeon everybody in technical support.

Incidentally, for those of you younger than 50 who have no idea who June Cleaver is, she was a popular and practically perfect TV sitcom mom on “Leave It to Beaver” from 1957 to 1963 (learn more). June, Ward, Wally and The Beaver lived at 211 Pine Street in the fictitious town of Mayfield. June wore pearls in the kitchen to bake cookies and never trusted Eddie Haskell. She did, however, like Lumpy Rutherford and Beaver’s teacher, Miss Landers. A photo of the Cleavers’ previously-mentioned residence appears below. If it looks slightly familiar, this is the same house Universal Studios used for “Marcus Welby, M.D.” Seriously.

I just realized I haven’t eaten anything whatsoever since 11:15 this morning, so in the interest of expedience and convenience — and also to feed my favorite addiction — I just placed a nice order from China City that should be here around 9. I usually don’t order food this late. I’m living dangerously in my old age.

Thank you for reading this.

Manischewitz clearance sale, today only.

A quick follow-up to the story in yesterday’s post about my new “virtual terminal” credit card processing system. As it turns out I received the wrong welcome letter loaded with confusing instructions for a ridiculously intense set-up procedure that didn’t apply to me whatsoever. When I couldn’t reach tech support — actually, nobody bothered to answer the damn phone — I emailed my merchant account rep, Evelyn, who sorted it all out for me. Five minutes later my virtual terminal was up and running.

No kidding, this online credit card thing is absolutely brilliant and I only wish I’d known about it a couple of years ago. I already processed my first transaction this morning. I WANT EVERYBODY TO SEND ME MONEY!

The matzo farfel incident. Such excitement! Last week I ordered a 3-pack of gigantic Manischewitz whole grain matzo farfel canisters from Amazon.com, and they sent me half a dozen by mistake. They’re huge. I’ve got SIX POUNDS OF MATZO FARFEL in the pantry ... enough to stuff the entire Israeli army. And this would be incredibly wonderful except for one teeny little problem: I didn’t know until last night that it tastes like corrugated cardboard. (The farfel ... not the Israeli army.)

Therefore, if you or your loved ones are craving the unforgettable taste of cardboard and would like to snag a canister of Manischewitz whole grain matzo farfel cheap, please send me an email and we’ll discuss convenient terms. (I accept Mastercard, Visa and American Express.)

Making changes for a brighter future. This week I’ve been implementing my Happy New Year Austerity Plan. I cancelled my business 800-number service on Tuesday and just called AT&T and told them to disconnect my business landline phone. Total annual savings, about $675. Better yet, AT&T’s customer service rep was so nice she knocked $5 a month off our U-Verse bill for no apparent reason and then threw in a free speed upgrade to our Internet service, which was actually pretty damn fast to begin with. Glorioski, is this amazing or what?

I think I need a snack and a nap because saving money can do that to a person. Thank you for reading this.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 and other issues.

I have no idea why I’m writing a post because I’m so damn tired I can’t see straight. I woke up way too early this morning (6:30) and never bothered going back to bed. I actually feel somewhat inebriated but without the benefit of free pretzels or happy hour.

The Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012. The bigger issue today, however, concerns Pillsbury. This morning I tried to reorder their sugar-free cake mixes and frosting from Low Carb Connoisseur and couldn’t find them on their website. So I send an email to their customer service department and they write back to tell me PILLSBURY HAS DISCONTINUED ALL OF THEIR SUGAR-FREE PRODUCTS. Holy mother of crap! I take a quick look to see if I can still order from Amazon.com but I’d have to spend $39.99 for six cake mixes from a seller in Ohio plus an extra $9.99 for shipping ... the equivalent of $8.33 for each box of cake mix. This is seriously outrageous.

By now Sam can tell I’m becoming hysterical, inconsolable and generally over-wrought, so he drives down the street to Wal-Mart and comes home half an hour later with a veritable TRUCKLOAD of sugar-free Pillsbury cake mixes, sugar free Pillsbury fudge brownie mixes and cans of sugar-free Pillsbury frosting! AND THEY’RE CHEAP, TOO! For the record, I eventually checked out Pillsbury’s website (they have several and it took a while to find the right one), but since they’re still promoting their line of sugar-free products I can only assume that everybody at Low Carb Connoisseur must be criminally insane or on drugs. And with that, the Great Pillsbury Panic of 2012 draws to a close.

In other news, you might be interested to know that I’m also up to my ears in a big hoo-hah concerning the new credit card payment system I signed up for ... a “virtual terminal” that operates online. A couple of hours ago they send me a tedious welcome email in 8-point type with enough instructions and secret codes to build a stealth bomber, ending with the following paragraph:

“Please note that integrating to the QuickCommerce Payment Gateway requires Web programming. You will need a knowledgeable Web developer to manage your payment gateway integration.”

I have no idea what this means, and I’ve been designing websites and writing HTML code for more than ten years. I tried three times to contact their support hotline but apparently these clowns don’t like to answer the phone, either. After 10 rings you get a message that basically says, “What’s wrong with you ... can’t you see we’re busy? Call us back.” They don’t put you on hold, they don’t give you any options, and they don’t transfer you to voice mail and offer to return the call. Nothing. I’m already pissed off and I haven’t even set up my account yet.

Please help me. I need to slap somebody right now and I’m home alone. Thank you in advance for your attention to my request.

Exciting deliveries and a big New Year update.

Can we talk about exciting deliveries for a minute? I’m expecting four such deliveries tomorrow from my friends at Amazon.com ... 1) a three-pack of whole wheat Manischewitz matzo farfel that’s impossible to find anywhere in Dallas; 2) a six-pack of original Manwich sloppy Joe sauce; 3) 45 packages of Lipton Cup-a-Soup Spring Vegetable flavor (my favorite instant soup since fifth grade because I’m into teeny dehydrated peas); and 4) a swell basic black tea kettle that whistles.

Come to think of it, there’s a fifth exciting delivery I’d like to mention as well, although this one has nothing to do with Amazon whatsoever. My niece Allison and her husband Greg are the proud parents of baby Cooper, who arrived on December 30 weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces.

Cooper has to be one of the cutest little boys I’ve ever seen, and I’m especially blown away by the sock monkey hat. I think everybody should wear one of these, even Sam.

As for the “big New Year update” mentioned in the title of this post, here’s my bombshell: I’ve decided to make a major change to the financial end of my website design business. Effective immediately — or as soon as possible — I’ll be cancelling my 800 number, disconnecting my AT&T landline and using my cell phone for business calls, all of which will save me nearly $60 a month. I’m also getting rid of my manual (keypad) credit card terminal in favor of a “virtual” terminal that operates through my computer on an Internet gateway. I’m deliriously happy about this because saving money is wonderful, and dumping two phone lines and outdated credit card equipment inches me a little closer to the joy of total retirement.

And now it’s time for a snack and a nap, since I find that I’m both hungry and tired at exactly the same time. Oy, such a conundrum! Thank you for reading this.

Why we really, really love Dallas.

Sam and I really love it here in the Dallas area. With a population of 1,197,816 we’re the 9th largest city in the United States and share the top 10 with two other Texas metropolitan areas (Houston and San Antonio). Our reasons for enjoying Dallas, however, are many and varied. For instance:

• We always find parking no matter where we go unless it’s Tom Thumb at Preston and Forest two days before Christmas.
• The citizens of Dallas still wear cowboy hats.
• Dallas is uncongested with lots of land area and low population density, and there are enough donut shops, nail salons and dental clinics per square mile to service an obese, well-groomed population with no cavities at least six times greater than ours.
• Huge freeways with practically no traffic, especially when you compare this to where we grew up (Chicago for me, L.A. for Sam).
• Extremely short winters that last maybe 10 days.
• A vast number of wonderful restaurants with the exception of a real Kosher deli, of which there are none worth mentioning whatsoever.
• Excellent hospitals and doctors.
• Tons of snooty stores if you’re rich.
• You can live in a beautiful suburban subdivision and still be close enough to cattle ranches — like us! — to hear the longhorns moo.
• Dallas is full of Texans, and Texans are entertaining. I refer you to the photo above in case you need proof of this statement.

Incidentally, according to the latest Harris Interactive Poll it seems that lots of Americans would like to live in Dallas. As a matter of fact, after not even making the top 15 ever we’re all the way up to number 4 now ... right behind New York City, San Diego and Seattle. Even with blowhard Rick Perry as governor!

And finally, no post about Dallas would be complete without mentioning the Dallas Cowboys, who receive our undying support no matter how much they suck. With 14 seconds to go in the first half Sunday night, and the Cowboys down 21-0 to the Giants, the following shot of owner/general manager Jerry Jones says it all. I don’t know if this is suitable for framing but you have my permission to try. (Better luck next year, Jerry.)

Thank y’all for reading this.

Always wear lipstick to shop in high-end stores.

In my never-ending quest to own every font on earth I just downloaded an additional six for free from Blambot.com. These are basically just as cool as the six new comic book fonts from yesterday (see post), although I think “Jeff Campbell” has to be my all-time favorite.

I use a font called “Comicrazy” for my photo captions here on the Howdygram. I bought it a couple of years ago during Comicraft’s annual New Year’s Day sale ... it’s a $395 font (seriously) that only cost me $20.10. You should check out Comicraft’s website because it’s a visual smorgasbord of all those classic comic books you loved as a kid.

For the record, my favorite comic books were Archie and Dennis the Menace, but not for any reason you’d ever guess. By the time I was eight years old I’d fallen in love with their FONTS. The Archie font was a lot like “Jeff Campbell” but with a slight slant to the right and a very distinctive uppercase “S”. Dennis the Menace comic books used a quirky lowercase font with an unforgettable “g”.

If you think I’m strange you’ll have to get in line behind lots of other people because I’ve been like this my entire life. I was designing my own comics and magazines in third grade and taught myself to print in italics and boldface when I wrote stories for school, even using “printer’s quotes” that eventually made my teachers believe I was plagiarizing. My mother had to bring a stack of my homemade comic books to school to prove them wrong, and everybody had a new respect for me after that. (It’s also possible they were just frightened and decided to leave me alone.)

It’s another glorious day in North Texas, and after I eat some lunch — which will be very, very soon — Sam and I are going shopping at The Arrangement, a huge, high-end rustic furniture store in snooty north Dallas near the Galleria. I should definitely wear lipstick for this.

Thank you for stopping by.

I’ve got TicTacs and hot hands to keep me company.

Yesterday was pretty fabulous around here for FONTS. I took advantage of Comicraft’s annual New Year’s Day web sale (every font was reduced to $20.12) and bought two — “Wall Scrawler” and “Jeff Campbell” — then I discovered Blambot.com and downloaded four cool comic book fonts for free. All are illustrated for you below. Are these gorgeous, or what? Incidentally, I’m an addict and would rather buy fonts than almost anything else on earth.

If you’re wondering why I’m not in bed at this hour I’m afraid I don’t have a very good explanation. I don’t really have a bad explanation, either, come to think of it ... I’m just wide awake in the middle of the night with the Howdygram, a box of TicTacs and HOT HANDS. The hot hands thing has to be a side effect from one or more of the medications I take every night at 11 p.m. — Pravachol, Amitriptylene, Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide and Spironolactone — because it always kicks in about half an hour later and my hands feel like they’re on fire from the inside out. This is mighty annoying but eventually goes away.

I guess I’d better go back to bed now because I don’t want Sam to wake up and miss me. Thanks for stopping by.

Cowboys, free chili and Miss Einstein takes a drive.

In case you’re wondering what smells so good I made a huge pot of homemade chili this afternoon ... and it’s ready just in time for the Cowboys/Giants game on NBC. I’d be completely shocked if the Cowboys won tonight, but we watch because we’re always hoping for an elusive miracle that — just once — they won’t suck on national television.

And now, for your possible enjoyment, I’m pleased to offer this partial list of the most outrageous lawsuits of 2011.

• Convict sues a couple he kidnapped for not helping him evade the police.
• Man illegally brings a gun into a bar, gets injured in a fight and then sues the bar for not searching him for a weapon.
• Adult children sue their mother for sending cards without gifts and playing favorites.
• Woman disagrees with a store over an 80¢ refund and sues for $5 million.
• Mom sues an exclusive preschool over her child’s diminished college prospects.
• Obese man sues White Castle because the booths are too tight.
• Mother sues Chuck E. Cheese because she thinks their games encourage gambling in children.

Add to this a news story I read yesterday about a 22-year-old woman who’s suing a bar in South Carolina for not “carding” her in 2009, thereby allowing her to buy alcohol, get wasted, crash her car on the way home and wind up a paraplegic. Police said Miss Einstein was not wearing a seat belt and her blood alcohol level was several times the legal limit. Bottom line ... being a complete moron obviously means you always have to find somebody else to blame for your mistakes.

It’s chili time! We’ve got plenty if you want to come over and watch the Cowboys game with us, so send me a quick email if you’re interested. (We have napkins, too.) Thank you for reading this.

Monkeys don’t have bar mitzvahs.

Here we go … my first Howdygram post of the new year and an opportunity to announce to the world that Banana Sam is safe. Banana Sam is a teeny spider monkey who was abducted two days ago from his cage at the San Francisco Zoo and then started tweeting to irritate the local police. He was recovered last night at a park about a mile from the zoo. For the record, Banana Sam is no relation whatsoever to Howdygram Sam, who’s visibly cuter, taller, a lot less furry and had a bar mitzvah.

In an effort to take advantage of another day of glorious weather — 65° and sunshine! — here in north Texas, Howdygram Sam and I have been trying to decide what we’d like to do today. New Year’s Day is a holiday, of course, and I don’t think too many retail shopping options exist unless you need a few cans of kidney beans at Wal-Mart, so we’ll probably just go for a nice long drive in the country, which is always a favorite activity, anyway. I’d be hinting about a trip to the Choctaw Casino but Sam already promised we’d go next weekend.

Time for my first shower of the new year. This is so exciting I can’t stand it.