Five reasons why Sam won’t watch “Project Runway.”

Even though I can comfortably enjoy one hour each week of whiny, competitive whack jobs creating strange clothes under ridiculous working conditions, Sam’s primary issue with “Project Runway” concerns the requisite flock of flaming designers, of which the current season — “Project Runway All Stars” — boasts five of the best. They are:

The two who consistently test a straight person’s patience are Mondo and Austin. See for yourself. Here are six shots of Mondo in various teeny little outfits featuring Daisy Duke shorts, bow ties, knee socks and screwy hats. Mondo is convinced his mother didn’t know he was gay until he came out on “Project Runway” two years ago. Seriously.

For my money, Austin Scarlett makes Mondo look like Mr. Universe. He dyes and curls his hair, wears lipstick, acts like a little girl and usually looks so feminine (see below) that he finally decided to grow a mustache ... probably so he can use a men’s room without somebody beating his brains out. Austin designs evening gowns and calls himself a “diva.” That’s pretty accurate.

Happy Friday the 13th from Sam and me even though I’m the only one available at 3:15 in the morning to extend this heartfelt greeting. Sam is in bed, asleep, and I’ve got a slight touch of insomnia with a side order of Coke Zero. A few hours from now I hope to con Sam into breakfast at Denny’s because we love their Senior Scrambled Eggs. I strayed last weekend and tried a Senior Omelet, but the Senior Scrambled Eggs are better because they come with pancakes.

Thanks for stopping by. Shut the light when you’re through, okay?