Never turn your back on a speeding train.

In this post: Deliveries, orders, teenage morons.

This has been a relatively uneventful day, not counting a very juicy three-hour late morning nap, lots of teeny Don Miguel tacos for lunch and our biweekly delivery of tasty frozen whatnots from the nice people at Schwan’s, which included the two products pictured below.

I almost ordered Schwan’s Onion Rings, too, but changed my mind at the last minute since I’m pretty sure we don’t have any extra room in the freezer right now due to too much food. Sam and I have to eat faster.

And now I’d like to prove beyond all doubt that TEENAGERS ARE MORONS. In the following very short video a teen named Jared attempts to film a selfie standing inches from an oncoming speeding train with his back to the tracks, but it didn’t exactly turn out as expected. The engineer apparently has the same general opinion of teens as I do, because he screamed “HEY!” at the top of his lungs, stuck out his foot and kicked Michael in the head as the train went by. You’ll note Michael’s reaction: “Wow! That guy just kicked me in the head! I THINK I GOT THAT ON FILM!” Because that’s the most important thing, right? At least you got it on film.

In other exciting news, our April Subscribe & Save crapola from Amazon shipped today! This month’s subscription order is smaller than usual because we still have a lot in the pantry from previous months and I wouldn’t want anybody to think we’re stocking a survivalist bunker. Our April subscription includes 12 bags of Sam’s favorite Planters trail mix and a case of Hormel tamales. I love Hormel tamales! You should try them on a nice plate with hot sauce and melty cheddar cheese on top. The only thing better than this is braunschweiger.

I also placed a small order online this morning from Wal-Mart, which consisted of two Speed Stick deodorants for Sam, a family-size can of Dinty Moore chicken & dumplings just for the hell of it and a one-pound jar of Wal-Mart’s store brand imitation Cheez Whiz because I’m always looking for something fabulous to shmear on a low-carb bagel.

It’s practically 10:45 p.m. and I don’t know if Sam will be home on time tonight or not, although if he’s on time he’ll walk in around 11:20. In the meantime I have some important kitchen chores to tackle, such as making pitcher of sugar-free lemonade, rinsing a dish and refilling my Marcytini. I also might be interested in a snack, but I think I’ll wait for Sam.

I’m sorry if this was a boring post. I promise to do better next time, okay?