Sunday, March 16, 2014

Breaking news from our Buy This Crap Fast Before the Price Goes Up department.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, hot dogs, emergency coffee, North Korea.

5:25 A.M. Oy. I’ve been awake for an hour and I’m a mess. My eyes are watering, I’ve got a nasal drip and my blood sugar is SCARY LOW (50) so I’ve been binge-eating Wal-Mart glucose tablets (the raspberry ones) for the last 20 minutes. I wish I had a Marcytini but this would involve a round-trip to the kitchen and I’m not sure I can walk that far because HYPOGLYCEMIA. So I’ll annoy you instead.
11:42 A.M. I finally went back to bed this morning and just woke up, hungry as hell. It’s my goal to nudge Sam into a Five Guys junket because I have an overwhelming need for a hot dog. For the record, Five Guys does a mighty fine hot dog. Not much to look at but it’s huge, they throw it on the grill and it tastes terrific, especially with extra onions. Sam gets the big bacon cheeseburger.
9:40 P.M. So here’s the current scoop from Howdygram headquarters. Sam and I napped most of the day and slept through the following wonderful movies: Topper (1937) starring Cary Grant, Constance Bennett and Roland Young; 2) Murder on a Honeymoon (1935) starring Edna May Oliver and James Gleason; and 3) The Guardsman (1931) starring Alfred Lunt and Lynn Fontanne. We haven’t had dinner yet — food is next on my agenda — so I thought I’d kill a little time until we’re ready to eat things. I’m considering leftover Chinese.

I’ve got breaking news from our Buy This Crap Fast Before the Price Goes Up department. Apparently Brazil’s coffee crop has seen serious damage from drought, the wholesale price of coffee beans is through the roof and manufacturers plan to double the cost of retail coffee by tomorrow afternoon. (I might be exaggerating a little.) Therefore, the Howdygram’s highly-educated market analyst (okay, me) thinks you should visit Amazon immediately and load yourself up on what’s left of the cheap stuff. I just ordered another 24 cans of Sam’s favorite Folgers Hazelnut for $4.84 per can. With free shipping. Thank you.
And finally, a story from the garden spot of Asia. On Sunday North Korea, home of angry little douchebag Kim Jong-un, announced that it fired 10 short-range rockets into the Sea of Japan that traveled about 70 kilometers (43 miles) in open water. “It is justifiable self-defense behavior for us to conduct these military exercises in order to preserve peace and protect the safety of our people and our country,” a North Korean government official said.

And so, the Great Patriotic War between North Korea and the Sea of Japan continues! They sure have a beef with water, don’t they? I suppose this makes sense when you realize that’s as far as North Korea’s rockets can go, and most of the shiny toy weapons they display in their stupid military parades are empty metal tubes or old Russian technology from the 1950s.
Thank you for dropping in tonight. I sincerely hope it was worth the trip.

No comments: