The New Jersey dirtbags are headed to prison.

In this post: Very important things.

This is a day full of very important things, which I’ll list for you below in no particular order whatsoever.

A BIG FEDEX DELIVERY. Today’s wonderful load of crap includes three separate shipments from Wal-Mart featuring Snyder’s honey & mustard pretzels for Sam, Hormel roast beef hash, convenient little bags of StarKist tuna, Spam, six jars of Mezzetta spicy veggies — carrots! cauliflower! celery! nuclear peppers! — and a box of Ziploc gallon storage bags. Wondering how come I buy these things online? It’s because I’ve got a variety of lousy mobility issues, I haven’t set foot inside a supermarket for about five years and Sam hates grocery shopping. So now you can stop worrying about this, okay? (Thank you.)

STILL WAITING FOR OUR NEW WATER HEATER. When Sam placed our order at Lowe’s back on February 22 they said delivery was expected on March 3. That was yesterday. So I called a few minutes ago and found out they were just kidding around ... our water heater won’t be in until March 10, which means somebody is a pathological liar and it sure as hell isn’t Sam.

On the plus side, Lowe’s will do the installation because our local plumber turned out to be an opportunist with predatory prices and a shitty attitude. Lowe’s sold us a 50-gallon Whirlpool water heater with a 12-year warranty for 60% less!

THE GIUDICES ARE GOING TO PRISON. This made my day, people. The Giudices are a pair of ignoramus wannabe gangsters from “Real Housewives of New Jersey” who were indicted last fall by the Feds on 41 counts, including such gems as bank fraud, conspiracy, wire fraud, bankruptcy fraud, income tax evasion and failure to file tax returns for four years. FOUR YEARS! They’re on national television ... did they think nobody would notice?

Apparently counseled by their lawyers to avoid a trial due to likely conviction on every charge and up to 50 years behind bars, Joe and Teresa — who have four daughters under the age of 13 — pleaded guilty to a number of those charges today in court, requiring substantial financial restitution, 27 months in prison for Teresa, four years for Joe and his eventual deportation. (Joe is actually an Italian citizen but he’s so stupid he didn’t even know.) I wonder who gets custody of Teresa’s hair extensions and unreasonably large artificial breasts.

Right now I’m cold, I’m crabby and my knees hurt, so I think it’s an excellent time for snacks and a movie. Nice of you to drop in. Seriously.