The South Pacific Marcytini is my standard recipe with sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powder mixed in.

In this post: Kvetching, drinking, shopping.

Hi, people. The big news story from Howdygram headquarters? Lowe’s called yesterday afternoon and OUR NEW WHIRLPOOL WATER HEATER (pictured at left) is finally in stock and ready for installation! All I can say is, HOLY CRAP and we’re damn lucky we weren’t having a hot water emergency around here because we waited 17 days for this thing. Lowe’s says the contractor will get in touch with us Tuesday morning to set up our appointment. Oh boy, right?

At the moment it’s 2 a.m. and I’m not feeling too well. I’ll list my complaints for you here and maybe you can take a friendly stab at the diagnosis:

1. A raging fever of 99° (“normal” for me is 96°).
2. Both heels hurt from plantar fasciitis.
3. My legs are completely numb from the ankles down but they’re burning hot and I’ve got spazzy “electric shock” pains in both feet.
4. My hands are crumpled up like claws.
5. Muscle weakness in my legs and lower back.
6. My knees hurt like hell.
7. I can’t think of anything else.

Click here to email your diagnosis as soon as possible. Thank you.

To cheer myself up while I wait for all items listed above to subside long enough for me to go back to bed, I’m here in the study enjoying a great big South Pacific Marcytini — my standard recipe with half a teaspoon of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powder mixed in — and loading my Wal-Mart online shopping cart with some fine crap for a Tuesday morning order. This is what I’ve got so far: 1) two kinds of body wash; 2) six little jars of tasty Kraft Old English spreadable cheese goo; 3) a tub of Cascade Platinum dishwasher pods; and 4) Wal-Mart’s store brand arthritis-strength Tylenol knockoff.

I’m also putting together a nice order of low-carb goodies from Netrition that eventually will include Bella Vita pasta sauce, a bag of one-carb hot dog buns, chocolate chip cookies, low-glycemic sugar-free chocolate bars, terrific beef chili in microwaveable trays (even Sam loves this chili) and a few bottles of sugar-free Thai sweet chili sauce.

Glorioski, my feet are feeling better! Sayonara everybody. I have to go to bed now.