Ralph Lauren’s ultimate achievement: stylish fashions for athletic goobers.

In this post: The HowdyMobile, Paris fashions, stylish goobers.

What a day. Ever since I woke up from my afternoon nap — today’s featured movie was Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) starring James Mason and Pat Boone — I’ve been hard at work online researching A BRAND NEW VEHICLE for yours truly! It wasn’t an easy choice, but I think I finally found exactly what I’ve been looking for to make my retirement exciting and complete. Glorioski, people!

A HowdyMobile will allow me to careen around the house with more stability than a cane PLUS it has a nice squishy seat so I can get off my feet fast any time I feel like crap, which is frequently. So far the best price on the Internet for this attractive Invacare appliance is from eBay with the added bonus of free shipping and no sales tax. Stay tuned for additional developments, okay?

In other news, I thought you might enjoy a few of the latest couture fashions from the runways of Paris. My comments follow.

1. A black feathered tutu with coordinating hiking boots from Chanel. I’m serious.
2. Shitty menswear with a missing sleeve.
3. More shitty menswear with a wrinkly shirt, striped pajama bottoms, a shrunken jacket and a vest that doesn’t fit. Total price: $3,275.
4. Vinyl shower curtain with matching flip-flops. Plus sizes available. Love the hair.
5. Party dress for sluts. Holy crap. Just, holy crap.
6. Strapless Hefty trash bag with furry gloves and a black fright mask.

As long as I’m talking fashion, check out Ralph Lauren’s puzzling contribution to the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Yes, friends, the “king of preppy style” has decided to dress America’s athletes LIKE A BUNCH OF STUPID GOOBERS! This is so embarrassing I could barf.

It’s time now for a nice hot shower and a bunch of food. Tonight’s dinner menu? Two teeny cans of Vienna sausages floating in a puddle of low-carb chili followed by a sugar-free chocolate bar and a few pistachio nuts. (Stop laughing.)

Thank you for reading this.