Monday, December 9, 2013

Exciting crap for the week ahead.

In this post: Deliveries, dough, refunds, frozen fog.

Here’s the exciting crap that’s coming up this week at Howdygram headquarters!

DELIVERIES. On Tuesday and Wednesday we’re expecting: 1) Shirataki noodles, spicy sauces, canned straw mushrooms and a box of tofu from Asian Food Grocer; 2) Jimmy Dean Country Gravy mix, a shower cap, toilet paper, butt wipes and a bottle of DaVinci vanilla syrup from Wal-Mart; 3) my lovely new ecru bedspread from Brylane Home; 4) underpants for Sam from Amazon; 5) four nice glass stacking canisters from Anchor Hocking; and 6) fluffy memory foam slippers from FootSmart. All of these purchases were illustrated for you in earlier posts, but in case you don’t remember them please click here, here, here and here. Thank you.

INCOMING DOUGH, PART ONE. This is a real milestone, people: MY FIRST SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK WILL BE HERE WEDNESDAY. Is this fantastic or what?

INCOMING DOUGH, PART TWO. It’s time once again to harangue my website clients for their quarterly hosting payments, which are payable by check or money order and due in my hands no later than Christmas. I sent their first notice the day after Thanksgiving; I'll email a reminder tomorrow. Last quarter I had to chase half a dozen of these yahoos for weeks with threatening emails and phone calls and even wound up unpublishing two websites for non-payment. I’m trying to retire already. Therefore I take great joy in dumping deadbeats and need very little provocation.

REFUNDS. There are two. First, I’m returning the taupe bedskirt (still unopened, incidentally) I bought from Amazon two weeks ago because we don’t need it any more. Our new platform bed frame will be invisible under the wonderful spread I just ordered from Brylane Home, which means we’ll never need a dreaded bedskirt again for the rest of eternity. (I’ve made Sam a very, very happy man.) Second, I’m also sending back the tomato red 1000TC 100% Egyptian cotton sheets I ordered on eBay because they’re neither 1000TC nor 100% Egyptian cotton … they’re CHEAP POLYESTER MICROFIBER and the fabric is so thin you can see through it. I laundered the sheets, used them for two nights and didn’t keep the original packaging, but the seller agreed to take them back without the slightest argument whatsoever because he obviously knows his merchandise is TOTAL CRAP. He even sent me a prepaid UPS label. (I should have known better. Nobody sells genuine 1000TC Egyptian cotton king-size sheets for $63.)

THE BIG THAW. At last! is forecasting a daytime temperature of 47° here by Wednesday, which means the world’s largest expanded ice rink — formerly known as Dallas/Fort Worth — will turn back into a couple of pleasant north Texas cities with two functioning airports, skidproof intersections and freeway ramps that won’t hurl you into outer space. (This actually happened.) Tonight, however, we’re still experiencing FROZEN FOG. And just so you’ll know how serious this situation has been, JIM CANTORE was here on Saturday and Sunday reporting live. No shit. Jim Cantore! The Weather Channel’s KING OF DISASTERS!
It’s 3:30 a.m. now and time to hit the sack at last. I’m still not especially tired but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t try to get some sleep. (Typically I end up with higher blood sugar numbers and really stiff knees.) Thank you for stopping by and shalom to you and yours.

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