Enough already. Where’s Blinky?

In this post: Exciting email, scandal in Sochi.

You’ve all got something to look forward to, people. As soon as you’re a retired senior citizen there’s no end to all the exciting email that floods your inbox. Here’s today’s haul so far:

• Don’t miss the President’s Day sale at Diabetes Supplies 4 Less. EXTRA SAVINGS ON WOUND CARE SUPPLIES!
• A Valentine’s Day message from AARP with the headline: “8 Types of Drugs That Can Cause Leg Cramps.”
• Save 20% on socks for swollen feet from FootSmart.com.
• A message from the White House staff with kittens, pictured below. I’m partial to the fluffy black one with the beady eyes. (No, I’m NOT referring to President Obama.)

And now ... more Howdygram commentary from the Winter Olympics! I’ll begin with a review of the snarky backlash that’s spreading across cyberspace about the “unexpected retirement” yesterday of Russian figure skater Evgeny Plushenko following a back injury during warm-up. Apparently the arrogant little dickhead has pissed off damn near everybody, particularly younger — and HEALTHIER — talented Russian skaters who were passed over for a spot on the team when Plushenko used his “celebrity status” to lobby for a ticket to Sochi. Trouble is, he’s 10 years older than everybody else, has had several thousand back surgeries, refused to participate in the team’s final qualifying round (saying he was too busy training for the Olympics) and hadn’t skated competitively for THREE YEARS. And now the Russians have nobody to replace him.

I get the sense that Plushenko’s celebrity status is on its last legs. With a little rhinoplasty maybe he can find work in the booming Russian porn industry.

Men’s figure skating aside, I have a variety of other issues with the 2014 Olympics as well, some of which I’ll list for you here:

CRAPPY COVERAGE. NBC’s hasn’t shown even one medals ceremony.

I MISS “BLINKY.” Miniature left-wing dynamo Bob “Blinky” Costas is still taking sicks days due to conjunctivitis in both eyes and I’m not crazy about Matt Lauer as his replacement.

IT’S NOT WINTER. The temperature is 50° in Sochi and everything is a slushy, muddy mess. It just ain’t right to see spectators at the alpine ski events wearing short sleeves and sweaters. THIS IS RUSSIA, FOR GOD’S SAKE! SHOW ME A DAMN BLIZZARD!

POINTLESS ANNOUNCERS. The tape delay is causing a huge problem with accuracy. Evgeny Plushenko retired from figure skating 10 hours before NBC finally broadcast the video of him refusing to perform and leaving the ice, but the announcers who introduced the segment pretended to be “shocked.” WTF?

Thank you for reading this. Braunschweiger, anybody?