The best thing about Wednesday is Top Chef.

I’m having a very weird day. I woke up tired this morning (if that doesn’t make sense, join the club) and it’s pretty much all been downhill since then. Judge for yourself. 1) Our maid service showed up two and a half hours late; 2) my favorite black rubber coaster is missing; 3) I dozed off on the sofa FOR 15 LOUSY MINUTES and completely missed a scheduled visit from our pest control company; and 4) my 30-pound FedEx delivery from The Prepared Pantry never got here. Online tracking says it was delivered yesterday but they’re lying. Somewhere in north Texas there’s a FedEx driver stuffing his face with pumpernickel, and I need to find out where he lives.

Sam and I are getting ready to buy a new bed. What began this morning as a casual hypothetical conversation — i.e., “if we ever decide to buy a new bed” — quickly transitioned into “let’s go shopping on Saturday.”

We originally considered a Sleep Number bed or a Tempur-Pedic but found way too many negative online reviews about both brands ... and the prices ($3,500+) were OUTRAGEOUS. So we shifted to Plan B and decided on a Simmons Beautyrest set that’s a lot like the one we’re replacing ... a no-motion-transfer, non-flip king that weighs about 575 pounds (see below). Ours is more than 10 years old with a dent on one side that’s beginning to rival the Great Rift Valley of Africa.

I accept full responsibility for the dent.

I smell good! My order from OverstockPerfume.com showed up this afternoon and I’ve been marinating in Estee Lauter’s “Pleasures Intense” since shortly after dinner. Unfortunately, the rest of my order was out of stock so I just visited Perfumania.com and bought myself a 3.4 oz. bottle of “Maja” by Myrurgia (see right), a fragrance I haven’t worn in at least three decades. I can’t wait to smell like a 30-year-old again! And the best part about shopping at Perfumania.com is NO SALES TAX and FREE SHIPPING, and if you agree to answer a short survey afterwards they give you FREE MAGAZINES. Four of them! I picked the best of the lot: Field & Stream, Ebony, Seventeen and American Bowhunter. Seriously.

And now it’s time for “Top Chef,” which is one of my favorite TV shows even though I have no idea what these people are cooking half the time. I think I’ll reheat the rest of my dinner and enjoy the program as it was originally intended: with a fork and a napkin. Thank you for reading this.