Whiny, weak and wobbly.

Important news first. I HATE BARRY BONDS. No kidding, he has to be one of the slimiest, most repulsive professional athletes on the planet, and that covers an awful lot of territory if you include Michael Vick. Bonds is on trial right now for lying to a grand jury and obstruction of justice, and all kinds of people are coming forward to talk about how this mutant’s body and personality changed during the nine years he took illegal human growth hormones while still playing professional baseball. Unprecedented for a fully-grown adult, Bonds’ skull expanded (see photo) almost a full inch, his hands and feet grew two sizes and his chest blew up from 42 to 52 inches. He’s a liar and a cheat and he ripped off Hank Aaron’s lifetime achievement records. I don’t know about YOU, but I’d love to see this jerk get prison time like O.J. Let’s hold a good thought. Seriously.

Okay, now that Barry Bonds is out of my system I should mention that I’ve been very under the weather for the last several days, almost as though I never recovered after the night from hell (see post). I feel limp and weak with no appetite, I’m occasionally queasy and I burp a lot. (Burping is technically Sam’s area of expertise.) I don’t exactly know what’s going on so I drink a lot of Marcy-tinis* and nap as often possible. I DON’T EVEN HAVE A CRAVING FOR CHINESE FOOD. (Call 911.)

*A Marcy-tini is 12 oz. of Coke Zero, nine ice cubes and a coaster.

The only thing that makes me feel a little better right now is BUYING PERFUME. I’m so happy with the bottle of B-Exquisite that I bought last week I was compelled to visit Perfumania.com today and buy two more fragrances by the same manufacturer ... Bijan Wicked and Bijan Style. Both are on sale for $17.49 for the BIG BOTTLES ... that’s 70% off retail and very, very cheap. Click here to buy your own. It’s fun to smell good and I strongly recommend it.

I hope you’ll forgive me for this, but I almost forgot to review a new Schwan’s product I tried a couple of weeks ago. This time it was their Roasted Sweet Potatoes, which got nice customer reviews and looked swell online. (You’d think I would have learned by now to stop trusting product photos.)

The problem here was mostly INCONSISTENCY. The sweet potato chunks in my bag weren’t uniform in size or substantial, as the photo wants you to believe, they were teeny little slivers and odd-shaped crumbs less than ½-inch in size that came out of the oven either burned, chewy or completely undercooked. Two thumbs down for this one.

And now I’m going to watch a video of President Obama’s address to Congress about Libya because I was so busy working on this post I forgot to see it live. Thank you for reading this.