Toilet paper, delivered.

Sam is a typical guy. If I send him to the store for Charmin mega rolls he’ll usually come home with a gigantic package of the teeniest rolls he can find, because he thinks “mega” refers to the number of rolls in a package, not the number of sheets on a roll. Yesterday he even got tricked into buying a huge sack of CHARMIN BASIC, which quite frankly is the closest thing to Soviet-quality sandpaper ever manufactured in the United States. I routinely forgive him for such indiscretions for two reasons: 1) I know he doesn’t give a crap about any of this; and 2) he saves me a trip to Wal-Mart.

However, Shopping Maven Marcy has a revelation: YOU CAN BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE FOR HOME DELIVERY, and if you go to Bizrate.com and PriceGrabber.com you can even compare prices at stores all over the place! And apparently I’m not the only screwball who thinks this is an excellent idea, because Amazon.com offers TOILET PAPER SUBSCRIPTIONS so you can request automatic shipments at any interval you want, like once a month, every other month, etc., depending on the number of butts in your household and the number of times each day these butts require toilet paper. We’re a two-butt family here.

HOT TIP. The best price I found is at Wal-Mart.com, where I just ordered two 12-packs of Charmin Ultra Strong mega rolls for $32 including tax and $1.97 for shipping. Trust me, this is VERY CHEAP for two dozen rolls of toilet paper the size of South Dakota.

In other news, yesterday I watched part of the Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament on TV and tuned in just in time to see Tiger Woods smack his ball into a tree, cuss like a sailor and hurl his club 50 yards down the fairway. Personally, I think it’s time for Tiger to start thinking about a second career because golf is obviously no longer his area of expertise. He’s a mess. Even the announcers are depressed about it with comments like, “It’s just another typical day for Tiger.” At this point I think he should consider auto sales or a night course in medical records transcription and leave the game of golf for grown-ups who can break par and control their tempers. Tiger finished the tournament in 28th place.

I’m going warm up leftover egg foo young now because Sam is at the office (yes, on Sunday) and I don’t have to cook for anybody but me. I also should fold some sheets. Thank you for reading this.