I woke myself up at 3:10 in the morning, dragged myself into the family room, turned on the TV and watched four and a half hours — FOUR AND A HALF HOURS! — of nonstop royal wedding coverage on ABC with Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters. I didn’t even have to pee. It was truly a miracle.
I was on hand to see every invited guest enter Westminster Abbey, including the anticipated Parade of Exceptionally Stupid Hats, which was won hands-down by the royal family’s official Trigger lookalike, Princess Beatrice (see below), the offspring of Prince Andrew and his exiled former spouse, Sarah Ferguson.
I watched the royal family two-by-two in Rolls Royces heading to the church, saw the bride and her father try to squish into a car without destroying her dress, listened to boring hymns by boy sopranos in fruity outfits, enjoyed William and Kate exhanging vows, waited for 1,200 guests to file out and stream back to Buckingham Palace for free food, and then sat like a zombie hoping for the balcony kiss.
Sated, at 7:45 I turned off the TV and crawled straight back to bed. It’s entirely possible that Sam never missed me.
Incidentally, the royal family insists there’s no truth to the rumor that the part of Queen Elizabeth, who has shriveled to a height of 4 feet, was played by an eight-year-old altar boy in drag.
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