Rob Ford is bigger than you and threatens to murder people.

In this post: Poor Toronto, Louie Gohmert rides again, anticipating loot.

I desperately want to write a Howdygram post today but I can’t think of a topic or a clever opening line or even a joke. Therefore, I’ll begin with the following glamour shot portrait of Rob Ford, the alcoholic, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, Canada, one of North America’s most beautiful cities.

Ford is running for re-election and thinks the fine citizens of Toronto will vote for him again because he’s bigger than you and threatens to murder people. (And it’s all on video in case you need proof. Warning: There’s a shitload of profanity.)

And while we’re on the subject of scary politicians, let’s take a peek at the latest stupidity leaking from conspiracy-theorist Congressman Louie Gohmert, a GOP dirtbag from Texas and our latest Putz of the Week. In an interview earlier today with Christian radio host Janet Mefferd, Gohmert agreed with right-wing “evidence” that President Obama is creating a Nazi-style civilian security force of 6,000 people that’s part of ObamaCare. He’s still trying to find out if they’re being trained with weapons or syringes ... but nobody in Washington is willing to give him a straight answer.

Believe it or not, Gohmert is actually referring to the Ready Reserve Corps, a registry of medical professionals (doctors in private practice and nurses) who can be called on in the event of a national emergency, such as the aftermath of an earthquake, a hurricane or a terrorist attack. I suppose it makes perfect sense for a pathetic tea party putz like Louie Gohmert to misunderstand a concept as basic as this.

They’re not Nazis, Louie. They’re also not a security force, they’re not armed and they’re not “secret.” THEY’RE DELIVERING BAND-AIDS AND PENICILLIN. Holy mother of crap.

It’s almost 6 p.m. and I’m still waiting for FedEx and UPS to deliver my Tuesday loot from Wal-Mart, Amazon, Archie McPhee and FragranceShop.com. Since I’m running out of patience I might have to eat dinner first and watch “People’s Court.” For your possible interest, tonight’s menu includes lox and bagels, six green olives, a low-carb chocolate bar and pistachio nuts. Thank you.