Do not screw with Cheetos!

In this post: Dye jobs, a birthday lament.

It was a big win for well-intentioned Einsteins who spend their time petitioning corporations to make processed food slightly less poisonous, because Kraft announced on Thursday that they’ll begin removing dyes from their frighteningly-orange macaroni and cheese.

Before you have a brain hemorrhage about this, however, please note that Kraft’s semi-empty gesture will only remove Yellow 5 and Yellow 6 dyes from SpongeBob Squarepants, Halloween and “winter shapes” mac and cheese. This announcement from Kraft will surely thrill the nutjob over-protective moms who are petitioning Mars, Inc. to remove the dyes from M&Ms because they cause hyperactivity in children. Here’s a thought: maybe you should feed your hyperactive kids LESS SUGAR!

Show of hands. Does anybody here — besides me — remember when hot dogs and pistachios were fire engine red and butter was neon yellow? Decades ago when the FDA outlawed certain dyes all those industries were positive they’d go bankrupt because people wouldn’t eat boring food. Well, guess what ... nobody stopped buying hot dogs, pistachios and butter. BUT DO NOT SCREW WITH CHEETOS!

Today is my birthday and I’m 62 years old. I find it pretty amazing, actually. All of a sudden you wake up one day and you’re an old lady with a cane, trifocals, a seven-day pill sorter, Social Security checks and an uncontrollable urge to watch “People’s Court.” Holy crap. When I wasn’t looking I turned into my MOTHER!

Thank you for reading this. Send hearing aids.