Monday, November 25, 2013

The fine art of self-medication.

In this post: Miserable dickheads in the news, a hypothermic personal best. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of living in Pottersville. There are way too many evil, hate-filled people in the news these days. Take, for example, Everest Wilhelmsen, pictured at right, the miserable dickhead who runs the Christian American Patriots Militia and believes his group “has authority to shoot Obama, i.e., to kill him” due to “his willful violations and alienation of our Constitution, constant disregard for our peaceful protests and corruption of all the three branches of government.” This statement was posted on Wilhelmsen’s Facebook page the same day that a crowd of right-wing hatemongers, conspiracy theorists and gun crackpots rallied in a park near the White House screaming for President Obama to voluntarily leave office “or else.”

Holy mother of crap.

Wilhelmsen’s post went on to state: “The authority to kill Obama comes from the Second Amendment of our Constitution: He is levying war on the United States and aiding and comforting our foreign enemies. The Second Amendment gives us the right and duty (authority) to engage an enemy of the United States that does so with the design to reduce us under absolute Despotism. I would be very surprised, if Obama does not leave Washington, D.C. today, never to return, if he is not dead within a month.”

At this point the Secret Service jumped in, Wilhelmsen’s Facebook rant was removed, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the Christian American Patriots Militia and their exalted leader currently find themselves mired in some seriously deep Federally-funded shit.

In other news, I hit an all-time low this morning with a truly cadaverish hypothermic body temperature of 94.9°. I even showed Sam the thermometer in case he thought I was joking. A 20-minute scalding hot shower raised it to 96° but only temporarily, because half an hour later I was shivering again. The only reasonable option for self-medication was a Lou Malnati’s deep-dish crustless pizza followed by a two-hour nap wrapped in a faux mink blanket named Mister Furry. Unfortunately, it’s 6:45 p.m., my temperature has dropped down to 94.9° again, my joints ache, my hands are icicles and I feel like TOTAL CRAP. Even worse — yes, it can always get worse! — my neuropathy-related taste disorder has come back, so everything I eat tastes like STYROFOAM unless it’s extra-spicy Chinese.

This is exhausting.

Hey. I have a request for you from the White House. President Obama just sent an email asking me to sign a petition demanding that Congress reinstate the unbelievable $40 billion they slashed from the food stamp program, which will leave 3.8 million Americans unable to feed their families as of January 1. Please add your name to the petition, okay?

FYI, more than half of food stamp recipients are children, and many are senior citizens, veterans and the “working poor” (i.e., underpaid Wal-Mart and McDonald’s employees).  Thank you for signing. Seriously.

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