Friday, November 8, 2013

The truth about Wal-Mart’s finest-quality $20 microfiber sheets.

In this post: A microfiber bedtime story. 

I hate my sheets. This is the second night in a row I woke up hot as hell at 4 a.m., and I know these sheets are the reason why. And it’s unfortunate, too, because they’re Wal-Mart’s finest-quality $20 microfiber sheets — that’s not a typo: 20 bucks for a set of king-size sheets! — and to the touch they’re soft as silk and light as air. Too bad the damn things don’t BREATHE.

Here’s the issue. Every night at bedtime — without fail — I have an episode of diabetic peripheral neuropathy where my hands and feet feel like they’re burning up, and the only thing that helps me get comfortable and fall asleep without thrashing around like a deranged windmill is a nice set of cotton sheets that feels ice cold when you first jump in. Microfiber sheets don’t feel like that. They’re WARM. And the longer you lie there, the warmer they get until you can’t take one more stinking minute and vault out of bed like somebody set the house on fire. HOLY CRAP.

First chance I get I’m asking Sam to deliver both sets of our Wal-Mart microfiber sheets to Good Will so somebody else can deal with this baloney. I have to replace them, of course, although at the moment I don’t really know what to buy or where to buy them. I was prowling around on about an hour ago and found two nice sets of decently-priced king-size sheets, but the customer comments are so psychotic it’s hard to believe these people are all reviewing the same merchandise. For instance, here’s what four reviewers wrote about the same set of sheets: “Worst sheets I have ever purchased. They started pilling all over the very first night we slept on them.” “These are silky soft sheets, never bunch up, wash well. I recommend them to anyone that likes the feel of elegant cotton.” “These feel terrible and my husband refuses to sleep on them.” “I can’t wait to order more.”

My brain is fried. I need a Marcytini and a few more hours of sleep. After breakfast maybe I’ll do a little shopping on Amazon.

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