Does anybody besides me have a craving for spaghetti and meatballs?

As I write this post my biweekly maid service is scraping crud off my kitchen counters and mopping the front hall. I can’t wait for her to finish and go home so I can take a serious afternoon nap in the family room with a nice movie on TV followed by a lot of food because I’m STARVING. The aforementioned nice movie most likely will be Prince Valiant (1954) featuring Robert Wagner in the wig from hell and Janet Leigh’s road-cone boobs. This is certainly cinema at its finest with an all-star supporting cast that includes James Mason, Sterling Hayden, Victor McLaglen, Donald Crisp and Brian Aherne. (Too bad I’ll probably sleep through most of it.)

In late-breaking news from the Lone Star State, Houston is being overrun by GIGANTIC KILLER SNAILS. Wildlife researchers have identified the beast as the Giant African variety, photographed recently in the back yard of a Houston neighborhood. Apparently this disgusting thing is an invasive pest that carries a deadly parasite known as “rat lungworm,” a form of meningitis, and health officials are warning homeowners not to touch them if they find any in their gardens. I guess this means the Einstein posing in the photo below might already be dead.

The Giant African snail is as big as a softball — holy crap! — with a tail so sharp it can blow out a car tire if you run over him like a speed bump. He can also chew his way through stucco, plastic recycling bins, signs, lawn furniture and more than 500 different plant species. I am extremely thankful that he and his relatives have chosen to live in Houston. It could take years before they figure out how to hop a Greyhound bus to Dallas!

Does anybody besides me have a craving for spaghetti and meatballs tonight? I’ll be dining at 6:3o in case you want to drop in. My diabetic-friendly version of this classic Italian dish includes two bags of zero-calorie Miracle Noodles (angel-hair style), half a jar of Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce, six Schwan’s frozen meatballs, a mountain of parmesan cheese, two napkins and a fork. Send an email if you’re adventurous enough to give this a shot. (You might be asked to fold some socks afterwards.) Thank you.