I love my life of mind-numbing leisure.

My right knee is screaming at me today in 20-second intervals. This was the first time EVER that I couldn’t fall asleep on the chaise in the family room, which definitely sucks because I wanted an afternoon nap. So instead I baked a no-carb cheesecake — a highly regarded and medically-acceptable substitute for sleep — and plan to consume as much of it as possible tonight for dinner.

Yes, people, I eat cheesecake for dinner. Also Slim Jims, soy milk and cheap dill pickles as the spirit moves me, but in no particular order whatsoever.

It’s probably common knowledge that I almost never have anything to do. I’m not complaining, of course, because I love my life of mind-numbing leisure. I nap, watch old movies, eat weird crap, do laundry if I feel like it and blog once a day (or try to) about baloney, medical horseshit and screwy news. Which is why it’s so peculiar to announce that May and June are turning into a couple of wild and crazy months here at Howdygram headquarters due to TEN MAJOR PROJECTS AND ACTIVITIES. They are:

1. Our re-fi will close on June 4. We’re still waiting for the appraisal.
2. We ordered solar screens for all the windows at the back of the house. (We did the front a couple of years ago.)
3. We’ve decided to get estimates for rain gutters.
4. Sam has cataract surgery tomorrow morning at Eyeballs-R-Us in Greenville.
5. It’s time to pay for car insurance again.
6. Sam leaves for California on June 8.
7. We had our lawn fertilized this morning.
8. I’m running out of gefilte fish.
9. I’ve got a podiatrist appointment on May 30.
10. Behind the Candelabra premiers on HBO on May 26.

For your possible interest, Behind the Candelabra is HBO’s Liberace biopic starring Michael Douglas in the title role and Matt Damon as his boy-toy and occasional chauffeur, Scott Thorson. Michael and Matt get to make out a lot. Tune in and bring the Pepto Bismol, okay?

And now for a quick recap of last night’s weather in north Texas! In addition to five hours of monster thunderstorms and driving rain there was a twister outbreak in towns surrounding Fort Worth with 13 tornadoes that killed six and injured more than 150. Half the town of Granbury was flattened by an EF-4 with winds at 200 mph; seven people are still missing. Actual cell phone photos appear below.

Breaking news from our Money Can Buy You Happiness department! The oil painting titled “Bea Arthur Naked” by artist John Currin was purchased for $1.9 million — by an anonymous bidder — at auction Wednesday night at Christie’s in New York. Wouldn’t you love to meet the lucky slob who bought this?

And that, dear readers, brings me to another perfect segue ... IT’S TIME FOR CHEESECAKE! Thank you for reading this.