If I could figure out how to sleep and eat at the same time life would be perfect.

I decided not to write a Howdygram post yesterday to wish you a happy Mother’s Day because I’m not your mother. I’m not anybody’s mother. Basically, I spent the entire day involved in one of the following fulfilling activities: 1) sleeping; 2) eating things; and 3) watching Tiger Woods win the Players Championship on TV. Tiger appears below, holding a wad of crystal that’s either an ugly trophy or a pretty good vase. You pick.

After Tiger’s big payday — $1.7 million for four rounds of golf — Sam and I watched Tormented (1960), a shlocky one-star movie starring Richard Carlson and a supporting cast of nobodies. The plot involves an island with a few decent beach houses and a ghost named Vi who was once a sleazy nightclub singer with big pointy boobs. Vi comes back to haunt her “ex,” a jazz pianist played by Richard Carlson (inset, below), by leaving a trail of seaweed, her wristwatch and wet footprints everywhere she goes. (I’m serious.) None of this falls into the “horror” category by any stretch of the imagination and is frightening in no way whatsoever. Tormented should have been named Holy Crap, This Is Unbelievably Stupid.

It’s 10:45 Monday morning and Sam is on his way to Costco to buy a cartload of our biweekly favorites. These include a gigantic tub of pistachios, fresh raspberries, sushi, havarti cheese, peeled hard-boiled eggs and a dozen breakfast burritos. Our Howdygram food-fest is scheduled to commence as soon as Sam gets home although I’m almost too tired to eat right now and might have to choose sleep before food. If I could figure out how to sleep and eat at the same time life would be perfect.

As long as I’m discussing food, please allow me to utter two words that can change your life: CHIA SEEDS. Chia seeds are a high-fiber (and almost zero-carb) “superfood” loaded with Omega-3 fatty acids that lower your blood glucose and blood pressure, optimize your digestive system and stimulate the growth of kinky green hair. (I’m probably kidding about that last part.)

You can sprinkle chia seeds on cereal, yogurt, muffins and oatmeal, but the number one best way to eat them is to make your own CHIA SEED PUDDING because they expand in liquid and poof up like huge, gluey tapioca pearls. The best recipe I’ve found involves two cups of chocolate Soy Slender soy milk, ¾-cup of chia seeds and a few squirts of liquid Splenda all mooshed up in a jar and left in the refrigerator overnight. In the morning you get a pile of fluffy chocolate mucilage, and I LOVE FLUFFY CHOCOLATE MUCILAGE! 

Thank you for reading this.