Mexican Velveeta is the official cheese product of Club Meds.

It’s a lovely, sunny Friday here in Texas — 65° with a stiff breeze from the northwest — and as I write this post I’m trying to avoid working on edits to a client’s website for the following three reasons: 1) I don’t want to; 2) I’m hungry; and 3) I’d rather being doing this. I wish somebody would please send an email and tell me to retire already. Thank you.

I’m having another hypothermia battle today. At the moment I’m hot as hell, but when I went to bed at 1 a.m. last night my temperature was 95.4° with severe muscle and joint pain, and the cycle repeats every five or six hours. I was unconscious on the chaise in the family room when Sam left for work this afternoon and don’t remember even saying goodbye to him. Thank God FedEx is delivering my Mexican Velveeta today! There’s always something to look forward to, isn’t there?

In case you don’t know what’s going on with this “hypothermia” crapola, it’s one of the many exciting side effects of diabetes — a form of autonomic neuropathy — that results in an unregulated body temperature. My personal best was a low of 95.2° a couple of weeks ago, which technically felt like a fever of 103° except my skin was cold as a mackerel. I feel sorry for Sam watching this idiotic baloney all the time.

As long as I’m whining about medical issues I suppose I should go ahead and include the latest news from Club Meds! A couple of days ago I tried to refill my 90-day prescription for Trazodone — an antidepressant that I take as a sleep aid — and the pharmacist said the 50mg tablets I’ve been taking since last summer have been discontinued. They sold Sam a bottle of 100mg tablets instead and told me to cut them in half with Wal-Mart’s best-quality 88¢ handy-dandy pill cutter, which skillfully crushed the first four tablets into dust.

So I called Dr. M and asked if I can just take 100mg every night or does she want to prescribe something else. Turns out she thinks it’s okay if I try the higher dose even though the list of possible side effects still scares the living crap out of me. These include: 1) extreme mood swings; 2) pounding heartbeat; 3) fainting; 4) panic attacks; 5) blurred vision; 6) tremors; 7) memory problems; and 8) a painful erection that lasts six hours or longer. (I’m pretty sure I won’t have to worry about number 8.) Another possible side effect is a condition known as Palinopsia which, despite obvious indications to the contrary, has nothing whatsoever to do with hallucinations about right-wing moose-killers from Alaska. Palinopsia, in fact, is a brain disorder that causes an “after-image” visual disturbance. This actually makes sense. Palin = brain disorder.

From our Funniest Thing I’ve Read All Year department comes this story of a Twitter feud between Jon Stewart and the pompous comb-over king, Donald Trump. Trump thought he was throwing a nasty shot at Stewart by revealing the comedian’s real name — Jon Leibowitz! He’s Jewish! — prompting Stewart to shoot back with a joke about Trump’s actual birth name being “F**kface Von Clownstick.” Check out the whole article, a screenshot of their Twitter war and some hilarious reader comments here on Gawker.com.

Thank you for reading this. Have a really nice evening, okay?