In this post: Kvetch report, a special delivery.
SATURDAY MORNING, 5 A.M. I’ve got a kvetch report to share with y’all. I woke up about 20 minutes ago because my feet were annoying me (it’s diabetic neuropathy in case you need to know) and I couldn’t breathe due to seriously congested nasal whatnots. I’m also really really thirsty but I don’t feel motivated enough yet to shlep myself into the kitchen for a Marcytini. Maybe in a few minutes. We’ll see.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Meet Josh Romney, son of the eternally-creepy Mitt.
In this post: What a Putz.
I’ll begin my post tonight with the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week award. This time it’s entitled trust-fund dickhead Josh Romney, son of the eternally-creepy Mitt, who wants everybody on earth to know he’s a HERO.
I’ll begin my post tonight with the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week award. This time it’s entitled trust-fund dickhead Josh Romney, son of the eternally-creepy Mitt, who wants everybody on earth to know he’s a HERO.
Why I love Amazon.com.
In this post: Black Friday insanity.
Now that we’ve finished scraping the crud off last night’s dishes it’s time to acknowledge the REAL purpose of Thanksgiving weekend.
Now that we’ve finished scraping the crud off last night’s dishes it’s time to acknowledge the REAL purpose of Thanksgiving weekend.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
See Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in under 10 seconds.
In this post: The real Santa Claus, a Thanksgiving Day confession.
Yee-haw and HAPPY THANKSGIVING, people! Although I’ve run through the Howdygram’s entire holiday menu in a couple of previous posts I’ll include it again for you now in case you give a remote crap about this: 1) a Boston Market turkey thing that you have to bake for 90 minutes; 2) a small definitely-NOT-worth-the-price container of Boston Market’s spinach casserole; 3) a box of turkey Stove Top stuffing; 4) a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce; and 5) gravy. From a jar.
Yee-haw and HAPPY THANKSGIVING, people! Although I’ve run through the Howdygram’s entire holiday menu in a couple of previous posts I’ll include it again for you now in case you give a remote crap about this: 1) a Boston Market turkey thing that you have to bake for 90 minutes; 2) a small definitely-NOT-worth-the-price container of Boston Market’s spinach casserole; 3) a box of turkey Stove Top stuffing; 4) a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce; and 5) gravy. From a jar.
Have a perfect Thanksgiving. Seriously.
In this post: Happy Thanksgiving from the Howdygram.
Here’s a heartfelt Thanksgiving wish from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! May you get the drumstick you’ve always wanted, an extra ton of stuffing, a seat next to your favorite cousin and double marshmallows on your sweet potato casserole.
Here’s a heartfelt Thanksgiving wish from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! May you get the drumstick you’ve always wanted, an extra ton of stuffing, a seat next to your favorite cousin and double marshmallows on your sweet potato casserole.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The Corleones are probably the only family on earth that’s more dysfunctional than yours.
In this post: Another Howdygram public service.
As a Howdygram public service, here’s what to watch on TV tomorrow to avoid helping in the kitchen or talking to annoying relatives. For the record, I never bother with American Movie Classics — way too many commercials! — but it might be worth the trouble on Thanksgiving for The Godfather and The Godfather: Part II because the Corleones are probably the only family on earth that’s more dysfunctional than YOURS. (All times listed are Central.)
As a Howdygram public service, here’s what to watch on TV tomorrow to avoid helping in the kitchen or talking to annoying relatives. For the record, I never bother with American Movie Classics — way too many commercials! — but it might be worth the trouble on Thanksgiving for The Godfather and The Godfather: Part II because the Corleones are probably the only family on earth that’s more dysfunctional than YOURS. (All times listed are Central.)
Download your free Hanukkah latkes!
In this post: Free latkes, an Amazon speed record, God bless Sam.
Happy Hanukkah from the Howdygram! To help get the party started this year we’re pleased to offer a FREE DOWNLOAD OF HOMEMADE LATKES from our house to yours.
Happy Hanukkah from the Howdygram! To help get the party started this year we’re pleased to offer a FREE DOWNLOAD OF HOMEMADE LATKES from our house to yours.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sam doesn’t enjoy ptomaine poisoning as much as I do.
In this post: Homemade feasts, celebrating mom.
Happy Tuesday afternoon, Howdygramsters! As I sit here pondering what’s for dinner tonight I’m struck by the fact that Thanksgiving is right around the proverbial corner and I don’t have a craving for turkey yet. This year — just like every other year — we’re picking up a nice heat-it-yourself turkey breast from Boston Market on Town East Boulevard (see image at right) and I’ll make the rest of our feast from scratch all by myself. This includes homemade Stove Top stuffing from a box, a can of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce and a jar of tan gravy. This is followed by a whole pumpkin pie for Sam with a fork and a can of Reddi Whip.
Shopping on Amazon doesn’t require lipstick, wearing a brassiere or leaving the house.
In this post: Holiday food-fest, another AT&T fiasco.
Sam is on his merry way to Costco as I write this post, armed with a list of essential crapola to keep our faces entertained during the four-day Thanksgiving weekend. I specifically refer to:
Sam is on his merry way to Costco as I write this post, armed with a list of essential crapola to keep our faces entertained during the four-day Thanksgiving weekend. I specifically refer to:
- Brownie Brittle*
- Salt & pepper pistachios
- An industrial-size slab of lox
- “Loaded” potato salad (sour cream! cheddar cheese! chives!)*
- Sushi
- Jalapeño hummus
- Frozen Angus burgers
- Excellent breakfast burritos*
- Fully-cooked microwave bacon
Monday, November 25, 2013
The fine art of self-medication.
In this post: Miserable dickheads in the news, a hypothermic personal best.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of living in Pottersville. There are way too many evil, hate-filled people in the news these days. Take, for example, Everest Wilhelmsen, pictured at right, the miserable dickhead who runs the Christian American Patriots Militia and believes his group “has authority to shoot Obama, i.e., to kill him” due to “his willful violations and alienation of our Constitution, constant disregard for our peaceful protests and corruption of all the three branches of government.” This statement was posted on Wilhelmsen’s Facebook page the same day that a crowd of right-wing hatemongers, conspiracy theorists and gun crackpots rallied in a park near the White House screaming for President Obama to voluntarily leave office “or else.”
Groceries from unlikely websites.
In this post: A Howdygram face lift, sleetless in Mesquite, unlikely groceries.
Holy crap. Can we talk? Once again — for at least the bazillionth time — those lying sacks of poo at Weather.com got it TOTALLY, COMPLETELY AND ABSOLUTELY WRONG. After three days’ advance warning of a life-threatening winter storm in the Dallas metro area with “substantial ice,” “up to two inches of sleet” and “trecherous conditions” — all forecast to get underway by 1 p.m. on Saturday — the only precipitation we’ve had all weekend was light rain that started about two hours ago. The red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. As you can see, the pink icy crap is nowhere near us.
Holy crap. Can we talk? Once again — for at least the bazillionth time — those lying sacks of poo at Weather.com got it TOTALLY, COMPLETELY AND ABSOLUTELY WRONG. After three days’ advance warning of a life-threatening winter storm in the Dallas metro area with “substantial ice,” “up to two inches of sleet” and “trecherous conditions” — all forecast to get underway by 1 p.m. on Saturday — the only precipitation we’ve had all weekend was light rain that started about two hours ago. The red star on the map below indicates Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite. As you can see, the pink icy crap is nowhere near us.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Ice is more than enough, thank you. We don’t need any stinking snow.
In this post: Winter storm warning, threats of soup.
Breaking news! The latest winter storm warning has forecast up to two inches of sleet and freezing rain here in the Dallas metro area starting mid-day today and continuing through mid-day Monday. Tuesday looks shitty, too, and starts out with SNOW as an unexpected bonus. Ice is more than enough, thank you. We don’t need any stinking snow. Our three-day forecast from Weather.com appears below for your possible interest.
Breaking news! The latest winter storm warning has forecast up to two inches of sleet and freezing rain here in the Dallas metro area starting mid-day today and continuing through mid-day Monday. Tuesday looks shitty, too, and starts out with SNOW as an unexpected bonus. Ice is more than enough, thank you. We don’t need any stinking snow. Our three-day forecast from Weather.com appears below for your possible interest.
Cheesy movies and fake Asians.
In this post: Movie reviews, Kennedy beats Reagan.
It’s almost 1 a.m. and Sam is asleep in the family room watching 55 Days at Peking (1963), a big-budget semi-historical epic that attempts to tell the story of China’s Boxer Rebellion of 1900. I’ve never been able to sit through this thing in its entirety — almost three hours long — because they’ve got Caucasians with taped eyes playing most of the major Asian parts, Charlton Heston as an arrogant U.S. soldier with enough over-the-top swagger to give you a nervous breakdown, and Ava Gardner doing the same breathless, mumbling, hypersexual shtick from every movie she’s ever made. (Here, we’re supposed to believe she’s a Russian baroness.) Others in the cast include David Niven with terrific outfits and Flora Robson as the empress of China (seriously). For added Far East authenticity the movie’s theme song is performed by Andy Williams.
It’s almost 1 a.m. and Sam is asleep in the family room watching 55 Days at Peking (1963), a big-budget semi-historical epic that attempts to tell the story of China’s Boxer Rebellion of 1900. I’ve never been able to sit through this thing in its entirety — almost three hours long — because they’ve got Caucasians with taped eyes playing most of the major Asian parts, Charlton Heston as an arrogant U.S. soldier with enough over-the-top swagger to give you a nervous breakdown, and Ava Gardner doing the same breathless, mumbling, hypersexual shtick from every movie she’s ever made. (Here, we’re supposed to believe she’s a Russian baroness.) Others in the cast include David Niven with terrific outfits and Flora Robson as the empress of China (seriously). For added Far East authenticity the movie’s theme song is performed by Andy Williams.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
We have enough toilet paper, TicTacs and Coke Zero to last a month.
In this post: Freezing.
I almost didn’t write a post today. This is mostly because: 1) Sam and I have been asleep almost nonstop since mid-morning enjoying consecutive naps in a variety of rooms; 2) the weather sucks; and 3) I think that’s all.
I almost didn’t write a post today. This is mostly because: 1) Sam and I have been asleep almost nonstop since mid-morning enjoying consecutive naps in a variety of rooms; 2) the weather sucks; and 3) I think that’s all.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Rick Perry, the gun-loving, abortion-hating secessionist.
In this post: Speedy deliveries, politics from hell.
Oh boy, everybody! UPS and FedEx deliveries are showing up SO DAMN FAST these days it’s making my head spin! I ordered Sam’s Vitamin D yesterday from Costco.com and it’s already on the truck for delivery this afternoon. My Subscribe & Save crapola from Amazon is arriving today, as well — one day early — and if that’s not enough to give an old lady a brain hemorrhage, our new platform bed frame and bedskirt are being delivered, too! ALL ON THE SAME DAY!
Oh boy, everybody! UPS and FedEx deliveries are showing up SO DAMN FAST these days it’s making my head spin! I ordered Sam’s Vitamin D yesterday from Costco.com and it’s already on the truck for delivery this afternoon. My Subscribe & Save crapola from Amazon is arriving today, as well — one day early — and if that’s not enough to give an old lady a brain hemorrhage, our new platform bed frame and bedskirt are being delivered, too! ALL ON THE SAME DAY!
Thursday, November 21, 2013
A winter storm is closing in on Howdygram headquarters.
In this post: Too much weather, plenty of “Columbo.”
Hello, people. It’s 9:30 Thursday night and I spent most of the day involved in a variety of routine activities. For instance, I: 1) made homemade Hanukkah and Thanksgiving cards for young relatives and old friends; 2) ordered a lot of Vitamin D capsules for Sam from Costco.com; 3) slept through Goodbye, My Fancy (1951) starring Joan Crawford and Robert Young; 4) kept an eye out for UPS because shitty weather is moving in and I don’t want today’s deliveries to get pummeled with hailstones; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. An explanation for #4 follows for your possible interest.
Hello, people. It’s 9:30 Thursday night and I spent most of the day involved in a variety of routine activities. For instance, I: 1) made homemade Hanukkah and Thanksgiving cards for young relatives and old friends; 2) ordered a lot of Vitamin D capsules for Sam from Costco.com; 3) slept through Goodbye, My Fancy (1951) starring Joan Crawford and Robert Young; 4) kept an eye out for UPS because shitty weather is moving in and I don’t want today’s deliveries to get pummeled with hailstones; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. An explanation for #4 follows for your possible interest.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Sam and I don’t celebrate much of anything around here.
In this post: Dismal weather ahead, too pooped for pizza, Hanukkah’s coming.
In my last post I know I promised you more news and general horseshit, however it’s already 9 p.m. and I really can’t think of anything else unless you’d be interested to know that: 1) I’m so damn tired tonight I can hardly keep my eyes open; 2) UPS just delivered a crate of Lou Malnati’s pizzas; 3) there’s a cold front coming on Saturday; and 4) ONLY SEVEN MORE DAYS UNTIL HANUKKAH.
In my last post I know I promised you more news and general horseshit, however it’s already 9 p.m. and I really can’t think of anything else unless you’d be interested to know that: 1) I’m so damn tired tonight I can hardly keep my eyes open; 2) UPS just delivered a crate of Lou Malnati’s pizzas; 3) there’s a cold front coming on Saturday; and 4) ONLY SEVEN MORE DAYS UNTIL HANUKKAH.
Sex and Brownie Brittle can solve damn near anything.
In this post: Dysfunctional bedding, terrifying bedskirts, exciting Wednesday purchases.
You may recall a couple of years ago when we had to return a brand new (defective) $2,700 Beautyrest king-size bed after a humongous dent developed in the memory foam. Know what? The expensive Sealy Posturepedic we bought to replace it has developed a mystery hump down the middle and — as an added bonus — on Monday I apparently busted a spring in the foundation on my side of the bed, resulting in a thunderous CLUNK every time I get in.
You may recall a couple of years ago when we had to return a brand new (defective) $2,700 Beautyrest king-size bed after a humongous dent developed in the memory foam. Know what? The expensive Sealy Posturepedic we bought to replace it has developed a mystery hump down the middle and — as an added bonus — on Monday I apparently busted a spring in the foundation on my side of the bed, resulting in a thunderous CLUNK every time I get in.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Hawaii’s Tom Brower: Another sociopath disguised as a public servant.
In this post: Sociopaths in the news, kvetch report, women who stare at shoes.
Another day, another frustrating pain. This time it’s my SHINS, people. They’re killing me, even when I’m not walking or standing. They also hurt when I sit if there’s any pressure whatsoever on my legs. According to WebMD.com and the National Institute of Health this is yet another entertaining side effect of diabetic peripheral neuropathy. About half an hour ago I emptied the dishwasher, loaded some dirty dishes and washed a frying pan. By the time I was done I wanted to blow my brains out.
Another day, another frustrating pain. This time it’s my SHINS, people. They’re killing me, even when I’m not walking or standing. They also hurt when I sit if there’s any pressure whatsoever on my legs. According to WebMD.com and the National Institute of Health this is yet another entertaining side effect of diabetic peripheral neuropathy. About half an hour ago I emptied the dishwasher, loaded some dirty dishes and washed a frying pan. By the time I was done I wanted to blow my brains out.
Sam to the rescue.
In this post: Club Meds, reverse insomnia, flying cheese.
Bear with me while I kvetch for a few minutes, okay? I had an insane night of fitful sleep that eventually rendered me unconscious on the chaise in the family room from 8:15 this morning until shortly after 12 noon. Sam was probably convinced I’d been drugged by foreign agents. I tried twice but COULD NOT WAKE UP. Around 12:30 I finally began speaking in sentences, staggered into the kitchen to make Sam’s sandwich for work and unintentionally launched a pound of neatly sliced pepper jack cheese across the room when the Ziploc bag crapped-out. At this point crying was the only option left because my legs were killing me, I was still mostly asleep and I knew I couldn’t achieve grand-scale cheese retrieval without professional help. (Translation: Sam to the rescue.) But that’s not all, folks. My body temperature is 95.2°, my fingers feel like icicles and I’ve got a craving for GRILLED CHEESE AND SWEET PICKLES.
Bear with me while I kvetch for a few minutes, okay? I had an insane night of fitful sleep that eventually rendered me unconscious on the chaise in the family room from 8:15 this morning until shortly after 12 noon. Sam was probably convinced I’d been drugged by foreign agents. I tried twice but COULD NOT WAKE UP. Around 12:30 I finally began speaking in sentences, staggered into the kitchen to make Sam’s sandwich for work and unintentionally launched a pound of neatly sliced pepper jack cheese across the room when the Ziploc bag crapped-out. At this point crying was the only option left because my legs were killing me, I was still mostly asleep and I knew I couldn’t achieve grand-scale cheese retrieval without professional help. (Translation: Sam to the rescue.) But that’s not all, folks. My body temperature is 95.2°, my fingers feel like icicles and I’ve got a craving for GRILLED CHEESE AND SWEET PICKLES.
Monday, November 18, 2013
More high-quality entertainment from the Howdygram.
In this post: The Ritz Brothers go slumming.
Yes, people, it’s me again. Sam called about an hour ago to let me know he’d be working late again tonight — until maybe 2:30 a.m. — so I’ve decided to kill a little time with the Howdygram, a Marcytini and a low-carb chocolate bar.
In our continuing effort to provide high-quality family entertainment the Howdygram is pleased to offer two excellent video clips of the incomparable Ritz Brothers from a million years ago. In the first, the narrator is Mel Brooks; the man behind the desk is Adolphe Menjou; the scene is from The Goldwyn Follies (1938).
Yes, people, it’s me again. Sam called about an hour ago to let me know he’d be working late again tonight — until maybe 2:30 a.m. — so I’ve decided to kill a little time with the Howdygram, a Marcytini and a low-carb chocolate bar.
In our continuing effort to provide high-quality family entertainment the Howdygram is pleased to offer two excellent video clips of the incomparable Ritz Brothers from a million years ago. In the first, the narrator is Mel Brooks; the man behind the desk is Adolphe Menjou; the scene is from The Goldwyn Follies (1938).
It won’t be today and it won’t be tomorrow, either. It’s also not looking so good for Wednesday.
In this post: Medical necessities, Zimmerman in the news, a Putz of the Week, Jesus had B.O.
Three big things on a Monday afternoon.
Three big things on a Monday afternoon.
BIG THING #1. I had my routine quarterly appointment this morning with Dr. M. Everything was good except she’s trying to talk me into a “chemical stress test” (done with an I.V. rather than a treadmill) because I have a pile of mobility issues and also because I’m at-risk for heart disease due to diabetes, high blood pressure and weight. At the moment my head is still stuck comfortably in the sand so I told her I’d think about it.
BIG THING #2. An hour after I got home the lab called to tell me I should come back to have one more tube of blood drawn because they forgot. I told them good luck with that. It won’t be today and it won’t be tomorrow, either. It’s also not looking so good for Wednesday.
BIG THING #3. I’m hungry.
BIG THING #2. An hour after I got home the lab called to tell me I should come back to have one more tube of blood drawn because they forgot. I told them good luck with that. It won’t be today and it won’t be tomorrow, either. It’s also not looking so good for Wednesday.
BIG THING #3. I’m hungry.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Writing a Howdygram post is the only way out of my neuropathy hell. Also William Powell movies.
In this post: Neuropathy hell, William Powell, Thanksgiving giveaway.
Thursday night was one of the miserablest — so miserable I don’t even give a crap if that’s a real word or NOT — nights in recent memory, where I didn’t actually go to bed AT ALL. Around 6:30 in the morning I finally dragged myself to the family room and slept on the chaise until 9, hung out in the study with Sam until he left at 10:30 to pick up my insulin prescription and a load of dry cleaning, and then headed back to the chaise, where I remained unconscious until shortly after 3. I totally missed lunch — HOLY CRAP! — and I don’t remember saying goodbye to Sam when he left for work at 1:15.
Thursday night was one of the miserablest — so miserable I don’t even give a crap if that’s a real word or NOT — nights in recent memory, where I didn’t actually go to bed AT ALL. Around 6:30 in the morning I finally dragged myself to the family room and slept on the chaise until 9, hung out in the study with Sam until he left at 10:30 to pick up my insulin prescription and a load of dry cleaning, and then headed back to the chaise, where I remained unconscious until shortly after 3. I totally missed lunch — HOLY CRAP! — and I don’t remember saying goodbye to Sam when he left for work at 1:15.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Enter to win Sam & Marcy’s Stupid Thanksgiving Giveaway.
In this post: Craving a turkey-flavored gumball?
It’s late, Sam just got home from work and I really didn’t plan to write another Howdygram post tonight, but I wanted to announce our first-ever STUPID THANKSGIVING GIVEAWAY, where three fortunate Howdygram readers will win themselves a tin of valuable and tasty THANKSGIVING GUMBALLS just in time for the big holiday! Each tin includes an assortment of three unforgettable flavors: Turkey, Cranberry and Pumpkin Pie. (I guess you’re on your own if you need gravy.)
The town of Milford blew up yesterday.
In this post: Today’s finds, crappy feet, Chevron makes a boo-boo.
It’s the middle of the night and my feet hurt (again) so I decided to horse around with the Howdygram until I’m ready to go back to bed. To keep myself occupied in the meantime I just ordered three very cute cotton knit turtlenecks — white, yellow and pink — at 25% off with free shipping. FREE SHIPPING! And because it looks seriously stupid to display a hunk of summer flowers on your front door in the middle of November, I also ordered a winter wreath on sale from Kirklands.com that’s NOT “ho-ho-ho,” a Christmas bow on steroids or a gigantic poinsettia. (I hate poinsettias. You can ask anybody.)
It’s the middle of the night and my feet hurt (again) so I decided to horse around with the Howdygram until I’m ready to go back to bed. To keep myself occupied in the meantime I just ordered three very cute cotton knit turtlenecks — white, yellow and pink — at 25% off with free shipping. FREE SHIPPING! And because it looks seriously stupid to display a hunk of summer flowers on your front door in the middle of November, I also ordered a winter wreath on sale from Kirklands.com that’s NOT “ho-ho-ho,” a Christmas bow on steroids or a gigantic poinsettia. (I hate poinsettias. You can ask anybody.)
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Today is World Diabetes Day.
In this post: Diabetes has a holiday, TV news, crustless pizza, an adorable toddler.
First, before I forget, I’ve got a Howdygram public service announcement to share with you. This is WORLD DIABETES DAY, an event commemorated annually on November 14 by the International Diabetes Federation (IDF). The IDF’s campaign is designed to draw attention to issues of paramount importance to the diabetes world and keeps diabetes firmly in the public spotlight. In other words, stop eating crap like THIS or you’ll end up with miserable feet and a refrigerator full of insulin. (I speak from experience. Thank you.)
First, before I forget, I’ve got a Howdygram public service announcement to share with you. This is WORLD DIABETES DAY, an event commemorated annually on November 14 by the International Diabetes Federation (IDF). The IDF’s campaign is designed to draw attention to issues of paramount importance to the diabetes world and keeps diabetes firmly in the public spotlight. In other words, stop eating crap like THIS or you’ll end up with miserable feet and a refrigerator full of insulin. (I speak from experience. Thank you.)
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
A Joan Rivers plastic surgery retrospective.
In this post: A change of face, a full life.
I don’t know if you’re a fan or not, but here’s a Howdygram retrospective on nearly five decades of Joan Rivers’ plastic surgery. Joan celebrated her 80th birthday in June and I think she looks amazing even if you almost can’t recognize her any more.
I don’t know if you’re a fan or not, but here’s a Howdygram retrospective on nearly five decades of Joan Rivers’ plastic surgery. Joan celebrated her 80th birthday in June and I think she looks amazing even if you almost can’t recognize her any more.
Sam and I are trying to eat our old frozen crap before investing in new frozen crap.
In this post: Exhaustion, frozen adventures.
I feel miserable right now after three measly hours of sleep. I’m cold, I’m crabby, my brain is stuffed with cotton balls, my knees are killing me and I’m too damn tired to EAT. Something’s seriously wrong with me when I’m too tired to eat. To tell you the truth, all I really want to do is collapse on the chaise in the family room with my faux mink blanket (his name is Mister Furry) EXCEPT we’re expecting our biweekly Schwan’s delivery this morning at 11:30, Sam is out running errands and I have to stay awake long enough to answer the door and shove our chicken thingies and mozzarella sticks in the freezer.
I feel miserable right now after three measly hours of sleep. I’m cold, I’m crabby, my brain is stuffed with cotton balls, my knees are killing me and I’m too damn tired to EAT. Something’s seriously wrong with me when I’m too tired to eat. To tell you the truth, all I really want to do is collapse on the chaise in the family room with my faux mink blanket (his name is Mister Furry) EXCEPT we’re expecting our biweekly Schwan’s delivery this morning at 11:30, Sam is out running errands and I have to stay awake long enough to answer the door and shove our chicken thingies and mozzarella sticks in the freezer.
We’re definitely not gourmets. We’re not even picky.
In this post: Fragrant knockoffs, a first freeze, Sam & Marcy plan Thanksgiving.
Howdy. It’s the middle of the night — 4:13 a.m., to be precise — and we’re having our first official freeze right now in north Texas. The house is nice and warm, Sam is asleep, and I’m parked in the study sucking TicTacs and marinating myself with the new perfume oil roll-on thingies I got in the mail yesterday from FragranceShop.com.
Howdy. It’s the middle of the night — 4:13 a.m., to be precise — and we’re having our first official freeze right now in north Texas. The house is nice and warm, Sam is asleep, and I’m parked in the study sucking TicTacs and marinating myself with the new perfume oil roll-on thingies I got in the mail yesterday from FragranceShop.com.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Rob Ford is bigger than you and threatens to murder people.
In this post: Poor Toronto, Louie Gohmert rides again, anticipating loot.
I desperately want to write a Howdygram post today but I can’t think of a topic or a clever opening line or even a joke. Therefore, I’ll begin with the following glamour shot portrait of Rob Ford, the alcoholic, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, Canada, one of North America’s most beautiful cities.
I desperately want to write a Howdygram post today but I can’t think of a topic or a clever opening line or even a joke. Therefore, I’ll begin with the following glamour shot portrait of Rob Ford, the alcoholic, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, Canada, one of North America’s most beautiful cities.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Haunted by the ghosts of carbohydrates past.
In this post: Hypoglycemia, special deliveries, a Putz of the Week, a movie review.
I woke up from a nice, long nap around 4:30 this afternoon and for no valid reason whatsoever discovered that my blood sugar had plummeted to 50. FIFTY! Why the hell would this happen, when I injected a calculated dose of insulin at lunch time? Am I being plagued by demons? Haunted by the ghosts of carbohydrates past?
I woke up from a nice, long nap around 4:30 this afternoon and for no valid reason whatsoever discovered that my blood sugar had plummeted to 50. FIFTY! Why the hell would this happen, when I injected a calculated dose of insulin at lunch time? Am I being plagued by demons? Haunted by the ghosts of carbohydrates past?
Life as we know it will resume tomorrow.
In this post: A Costco emergency, groundbreaking news from Amazon, celebrating veterans.
While Sam is on his way to Costco for emergency supplies — breakfast burritos, potato salad, frozen hamburgers, sushi and a sack of pistachios — I’ve got a HUGE ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME ANNOUNCEMENT to share with you. According to news reports this morning, Amazon has hooked up with the U.S. Postal Service to begin DELIVERING CRAP ON SUNDAYS! They’ll start right away with New York and Los Angeles, then expand to Dallas, Houston, Phoenix and New Orleans in 2014. I’m so excited I could have a brain hemorrhage!
While Sam is on his way to Costco for emergency supplies — breakfast burritos, potato salad, frozen hamburgers, sushi and a sack of pistachios — I’ve got a HUGE ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME ANNOUNCEMENT to share with you. According to news reports this morning, Amazon has hooked up with the U.S. Postal Service to begin DELIVERING CRAP ON SUNDAYS! They’ll start right away with New York and Los Angeles, then expand to Dallas, Houston, Phoenix and New Orleans in 2014. I’m so excited I could have a brain hemorrhage!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Marina Oswald shops at Wal-Mart.
In this post: Celebrity shoppers.
As we approach the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination you may be interested to know that Lee Harvey Oswald’s widow, Marina, is a grandmother and retiree who lives in Rockwall, Texas with her second husband. She’s 72 years old and shops at Wal-Mart. I’ll bet she also shops at the Rockwall Costco — the finest Costco in the United States — which means Sam could bump into her sometime buying cheap toilet paper or Brownie Brittle. Holy crap, right?
As we approach the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination you may be interested to know that Lee Harvey Oswald’s widow, Marina, is a grandmother and retiree who lives in Rockwall, Texas with her second husband. She’s 72 years old and shops at Wal-Mart. I’ll bet she also shops at the Rockwall Costco — the finest Costco in the United States — which means Sam could bump into her sometime buying cheap toilet paper or Brownie Brittle. Holy crap, right?
Saturday, November 9, 2013
I’m finally done with my now-former deadbeat client from hell.
In this post: Divorcing a client, re-sheeting a bed, throwing pillows.
As I write this post Sam is at the post office mailing a large, joyously evil envelope to my now-former deadbeat client from hell in California. Her elusive “overnight check” — the one that missed four deadlines since October 1, got lost in the mail twice and took five weeks to get here — finally arrived yesterday via UPS and is on its way back to her today. Unopened.
She doesn’t know it yet, but WE’RE DONE. And I’m one giant leap closer to retirement!
As I write this post Sam is at the post office mailing a large, joyously evil envelope to my now-former deadbeat client from hell in California. Her elusive “overnight check” — the one that missed four deadlines since October 1, got lost in the mail twice and took five weeks to get here — finally arrived yesterday via UPS and is on its way back to her today. Unopened.
She doesn’t know it yet, but WE’RE DONE. And I’m one giant leap closer to retirement!
Friday, November 8, 2013
Sam will be so excited to find $4.5 million in our checking account!
In this post: Blender entertainment, lemon curd, a Hanukkah windfall, the perfect Patty Melt.
Hi. I’m hungry. While I decide what’s for dinner tonight I think I’ll bake myself a lovely low-carb crustless cheesecake, which is an easy recipe that you throw together in one convenient bowl with an immersion blender. You can also use a regular blender, but the immersion thing is more interactive and provides substantial entertainment value. I don’t get to use mine often enough. (Damn.)
Hi. I’m hungry. While I decide what’s for dinner tonight I think I’ll bake myself a lovely low-carb crustless cheesecake, which is an easy recipe that you throw together in one convenient bowl with an immersion blender. You can also use a regular blender, but the immersion thing is more interactive and provides substantial entertainment value. I don’t get to use mine often enough. (Damn.)
The truth about Wal-Mart’s finest-quality $20 microfiber sheets.
In this post: A microfiber bedtime story.
I hate my sheets. This is the second night in a row I woke up hot as hell at 4 a.m., and I know these sheets are the reason why. And it’s unfortunate, too, because they’re Wal-Mart’s finest-quality $20 microfiber sheets — that’s not a typo: 20 bucks for a set of king-size sheets! — and to the touch they’re soft as silk and light as air. Too bad the damn things don’t BREATHE.
I hate my sheets. This is the second night in a row I woke up hot as hell at 4 a.m., and I know these sheets are the reason why. And it’s unfortunate, too, because they’re Wal-Mart’s finest-quality $20 microfiber sheets — that’s not a typo: 20 bucks for a set of king-size sheets! — and to the touch they’re soft as silk and light as air. Too bad the damn things don’t BREATHE.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
November 4 was the absolutely final no-more-horseshit deadline.
In this post: The client from hell (again).
Like nuclear waste, some deadly slime never goes away ... and my client from hell is certainly one of them. You may recall her never-ending sack ofexcuses lies regarding money she owes for website hosting dating back to October 1. Since that time:
Like nuclear waste, some deadly slime never goes away ... and my client from hell is certainly one of them. You may recall her never-ending sack of
OCTOBER 11. Her money order gets lost in the mail. She’s confused. She promises a replacement by the 15th.
OCTOBER 17. The replacement check doesn’t arrive. She’s VERY upset about the U.S. postal service. I take her website offline for non-payment.
OCTOBER 17. The replacement check doesn’t arrive. She’s VERY upset about the U.S. postal service. I take her website offline for non-payment.
Here’s Joan Crawford in “Torch Song” … the “Reefer Madness” of musicals.
In this post: The sponge chronicles, “Mammy Dearest.”
Sam is working late tonight so I decided to kill time by expanding my Subscribe & Save list on Amazon. I just added tasty Hi Lo Vanilla Almond low-carb cereal and a six-pack of Scotch Brite ever-popular scrubby sponges. The blue ones. Last time I tried Scotch Brite’s hipster “Greener Clean” scrubby sponges — the beige ones made from recycled crap — and I hated the damn things because they break apart into annoying little fibers and smell to high heaven.
Sam is working late tonight so I decided to kill time by expanding my Subscribe & Save list on Amazon. I just added tasty Hi Lo Vanilla Almond low-carb cereal and a six-pack of Scotch Brite ever-popular scrubby sponges. The blue ones. Last time I tried Scotch Brite’s hipster “Greener Clean” scrubby sponges — the beige ones made from recycled crap — and I hated the damn things because they break apart into annoying little fibers and smell to high heaven.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
I’m buying new shoes for Sam this week.
In this post: Pre-holiday shopping, wonderful feet.
There’s not much to do around here when Wal-Mart’s website is down. According to a news report they had a technical glitch this morning that dropped the prices on some of their most expensive products (cameras, projectors, electronics, etc.) into the single digits, and frenzied online shoppers had a collective brain hemorrhage snapping up bargains and posting the deals on social media. Apparently everything was sold out in a matter of minutes. In my case, I was only trying to buy a jumbo jar of Imodium but the website was completely offline by then. When I decided to kill some time on ABCNews.com I found out what happened. I guess Black Friday came early this year. Holy crap.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
It’s the big time for Terrell, Texas.
In this post: Brawls and truck stops.
There’s breaking news tonight from Texas! Apparently Plano police arrested two 17-year-old boys after a fight broke out at a popular Whataburger restaurant on Coit Road Friday night following the Plano and Plano West high school football game. It’s not clear what caused the brawl — just a wild guess ... maybe the team that lost? — but the following video from a cell phone camera captured some of the fun. You will be pleased to know that no underage French fries were injured in the mêlée.
There’s breaking news tonight from Texas! Apparently Plano police arrested two 17-year-old boys after a fight broke out at a popular Whataburger restaurant on Coit Road Friday night following the Plano and Plano West high school football game. It’s not clear what caused the brawl — just a wild guess ... maybe the team that lost? — but the following video from a cell phone camera captured some of the fun. You will be pleased to know that no underage French fries were injured in the mêlée.
One more thing.
In this post: Complete “Columbo,” classic Kors, annihilation for the client from hell.
So here’s the thing. When you drink half a gallon of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch 30 minutes before you go to bed you can bet the farm that you’ll wake up by 3 a.m. to pee. And so it was. Except instead of going back to bed I decided to horse around online for a while and ordered the complete set of “Columbo” DVDs — starring the unforgettable Peter Falk — from Amazon at a really-cheap-for-Christmas discount price of $52.49 with free shipping. Holy crap, I’m so damn excited I practically can’t stand it! (Don’t tell Sam, okay? I want to surprise him.)
So here’s the thing. When you drink half a gallon of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch 30 minutes before you go to bed you can bet the farm that you’ll wake up by 3 a.m. to pee. And so it was. Except instead of going back to bed I decided to horse around online for a while and ordered the complete set of “Columbo” DVDs — starring the unforgettable Peter Falk — from Amazon at a really-cheap-for-Christmas discount price of $52.49 with free shipping. Holy crap, I’m so damn excited I practically can’t stand it! (Don’t tell Sam, okay? I want to surprise him.)
Monday, November 4, 2013
Never allow the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com to deter you from your civic obligation.
In this post: Pins and needles, still kvetching, propositioned in Texas.
Oh boy! Sam came home from Wal-Mart this morning with two cartons of my favorite insulin syringes! In case you ever want to send me a present that’s appropriate for just about any occasion, the kind I use are 1 mL/cc, 29-gauge, 12.7 mm needle length, and Wal-Mart sells them cheap in boxes of 100. Thank you for your kind consideration.
Oh boy! Sam came home from Wal-Mart this morning with two cartons of my favorite insulin syringes! In case you ever want to send me a present that’s appropriate for just about any occasion, the kind I use are 1 mL/cc, 29-gauge, 12.7 mm needle length, and Wal-Mart sells them cheap in boxes of 100. Thank you for your kind consideration.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Crappy side effects, epic naps, gefilte fish and retro sex.
In this post: A message to Texans, diabetes sucks, historical erotica.
3 A.M. I’m parked at my desk with a headache and a nice tall Marcytini. Sam and I went to bed at midnight but I woke up two hours later with a miserable wet rash all over my body thanks to another battle with hypothermia. This is is a very crappy side effect of diabetic autonomic neuropathy and usually ends with a rash whenever my body tries too hard to generate its own heat. So I decide to take a shower at 2 a.m., and now I have to hang around until my hair dries because I don’t want the blow dryer to disturb Sam. It’s always something. Holy crap.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Relief efforts are underway. The Red Cross is requesting beer and barbecue sauce.
In this post: Casino capers, earthquake relief, the Duggars make me sick.
Even though Sam and I enjoyed our drive to Oklahoma this morning, this actually turned out NOT to be a very good day for me at the Choctaw Casino for the following reasons: 1) I woke up with crappy joint pain even though I had more than enough sleep and felt not too bad otherwise; 2) my taste buds were virtually nonexistent today — blame it on diabetic neuropathy — and everything on the buffet had NO FLAVOR WHATSOEVER including the pea salad and sugar-free pie I’ve been obsessing about for the last two months; and 3) I lost $40 at the penny slots. FORTY BUCKS! You have to be awfully damn lame (not to mention SERIOUSLY UNLUCKY) to pull off a stunt like that. On the plus side, however, the scooter rental was pleasant as hell and Sam won an excellent jackpot at the Cash Wizard slot machine!
Even though Sam and I enjoyed our drive to Oklahoma this morning, this actually turned out NOT to be a very good day for me at the Choctaw Casino for the following reasons: 1) I woke up with crappy joint pain even though I had more than enough sleep and felt not too bad otherwise; 2) my taste buds were virtually nonexistent today — blame it on diabetic neuropathy — and everything on the buffet had NO FLAVOR WHATSOEVER including the pea salad and sugar-free pie I’ve been obsessing about for the last two months; and 3) I lost $40 at the penny slots. FORTY BUCKS! You have to be awfully damn lame (not to mention SERIOUSLY UNLUCKY) to pull off a stunt like that. On the plus side, however, the scooter rental was pleasant as hell and Sam won an excellent jackpot at the Cash Wizard slot machine!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Tomorrow we get to cross the Red River and moo at lots of cattle.
In this post: Shopping options, time travel.
Good news, people! It’s still my birthday for three more hours, which means there’s still a decent window of opportunity to send a present. I suggest Amazon.com. Thank you.
Good news, people! It’s still my birthday for three more hours, which means there’s still a decent window of opportunity to send a present. I suggest Amazon.com. Thank you.
Do not screw with Cheetos!
In this post: Dye jobs, a birthday lament.
It was a big win for well-intentioned Einsteins who spend their time petitioning corporations to make processed food slightly less poisonous, because Kraft announced on Thursday that they’ll begin removing dyes from their frighteningly-orange macaroni and cheese.
Before you have a brain hemorrhage about this, however, please note that Kraft’s semi-empty gesture will only remove Yellow 5 and Yellow 6 dyes from SpongeBob Squarepants, Halloween and “winter shapes” mac and cheese. This announcement from Kraft will surely thrill the nutjob over-protective moms who are petitioning Mars, Inc. to remove the dyes from M&Ms because they cause hyperactivity in children. Here’s a thought: maybe you should feed your hyperactive kids LESS SUGAR!
Before you have a brain hemorrhage about this, however, please note that Kraft’s semi-empty gesture will only remove Yellow 5 and Yellow 6 dyes from SpongeBob Squarepants, Halloween and “winter shapes” mac and cheese. This announcement from Kraft will surely thrill the nutjob over-protective moms who are petitioning Mars, Inc. to remove the dyes from M&Ms because they cause hyperactivity in children. Here’s a thought: maybe you should feed your hyperactive kids LESS SUGAR!
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