Sam has changed his name to Mister Productive today.

In this post: Wider is better, meet Mister Productive.

It’s entirely possible that some of you may not be aware that the Howdygram is 20 pixels wider today. While this might be no big deal to you whatsoever it’s a very big deal to me because 20 extra pixels can change a person’s life, and as soon as I think of a few examples you’ll be the first to know. Meanwhile, in case you don’t quite know what 20 pixels looks like you can check out the red box in the illustration below.

I’ll risk damn near anything if unlimited egg rolls are involved.

In this post: Dense fog, giant pies. 

Here’s some breaking news on Saturday afternoon from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! We’ve just decided NOT to drive all over town looking at Christmas lights tonight because it’s too cold and damp outside and also because Sam wants to spend some quality time with the gigantic apple pie he bought this afternoon at Tom Thumb. So I won’t feel left out I purchased the following essentials today from a variety of my favorite Internet retailers. I ordered 100 insulin pen needles from Wayfair.com, a foamy soap dispenser thing from Amazon and McCormick Brown Gravy on eBay.

“Millionaire Matchmaker” is a Howdygram favorite.

In this post: Folding socks, matching millionaires.

I regret to report that very, very few of you have volunteered for the Howdygram’s Friday the 13th after-hours sock-folding party.

Okay, technically none of you volunteered, but there’s still plenty of time to do the right thing. Click here to reserve your spot now! As a bonus, we’re serving a large volume of nutritious yet tasty snacks — canned Vienna sausages, soy milk, low-carb rye bread and dill pickles — with your choice of a quality Doris Day movie or last night’s episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo. Thank you in advance for your valuable participation.

Favorite holiday films and corny Christmas hoo-hah.

In this post: TCM holiday movie schedule.

Those of you who read the Howdygram regularly know I’m a big classic movie fan. I love the good ones, the cheesy ones and practically any genre you can think of except for chainsaws and gladiators. That said, December is a great time to watch TCM because I love holiday movies AND because they do a retrospective montage thing of all the famous faces who died that year. Click here to check out the montage on TCM’s website. (I tried to embed the video but it screwed up the rest of my post formatting.)

Nothing says “Happy Birthday Baby Jesus” like an outrageous waste of electricity.

In this post: Kvetching, raining, laundry and lights.

I’ve got another kvetch report to share in conjunction with my standard list of ongoing complaints that includes shitty knees, shitty feet and a terrifyingly low body temperature. Now I can add SHOULDER PAIN ever since I woke up yesterday with a really sore right shoulder like I just pitched an extra-inning baseball game. Ow, damn it.

UPS drivers are a bunch of whiny little girls.

In this post: Constipated deliveries.

So here’s the thing. Apparently UPS’s distribution facilities in the Dallas/Fort Worth area remain seriously constipated due to last week’s ice storm. Package deliveries, including two of mine, are backed up all over the damn place, so UPS has reassigned 2,000 extra employees — let’s think of them as human suppositories — from across the U.S. to get things moving again. Stuck somewhere in the backlog are my glass stacking canisters from Anchor Hocking and Sam’s new underpants from Amazon. Both deliveries should have been here on Tuesday. In a word, I’m REALLY CRUSHED. (Okay, two words.)

Deadbeats, milestones and dinner.

In this post: Clingy clients, a farewell to Ovation Creative.

For the record, even though I’m collecting Social Security now (see earlier post) it doesn’t really mean I’m 100% retired since a handful of desperate clients are choosing to hang on till the very bitter end. I assume this is because they love me, although the feeling is NOT reciprocal and I’d be overjoyed if they all just disappeared already.

Is this some kind of warped right-wing Tea Party anti-shopping conspiracy?

In this post: Coordinated cows, consolation prizes.

Yup, I did it again. I updated the Howdygram’s banner this afternoon and decided to throw a nice color-coordinated cow up there for added visual appeal in case you’re partial to livestock. (You’re welcome.)

Holy crap, everybody! It’s here! It’s here! It’s here!

In this post: It’s here.

I just checked our bank balance. My first Social Security check was deposited this morning, and now it’s official:

I’ve just discovered my new favorite cheap canned meat: Armour Vienna Sausages.

In this post: Recalls, a Wal-Mart addiction, Vienna sausages.

I’ve been receiving frantic emails today from the Amazon Product Safety Team with news that Abbott has recalled a bunch of their popular FreeStyle Lite glucose test strips due to lousy results when used with older-model FreeStyle blood glucose meters. So far I’ve received six emails (one for each purchase, I guess) except none of this actually applies to me because I don’t have an older-model meter. Also because I used up those test strips at least nine months ago.

Listen up, Caribou Barbie. Go roast a moose for Christmas dinner and leave the rest of us alone.

In this post: Everybody’s favorite Putz.

Sarah Palin, vapid mouthpiece of the religious right, made a claim today on the Christian Broadcasting Network that “angry atheists” are trying to “abort Christ from Christmas” and “threaten the American way of life.” Because apparently Baby Jesus was one of the Founding Fathers.

Insomnia, the kvetch du jour.

In this post: Guess who can’t sleep ... again.

This will be a stupid blow-by-blow description of a day without sleep. Welcome to my world.

MONDAY, 6:47 A.M. I’ve been awake all night. All damn night. I’m not sure I can pinpoint the reason, but it’s most likely a combination of electric shocks in my feet (diabetic peripheral neuropathy), heel pain (plantar fasciitis), mild indigestion, a general feeling of overall shittiness and the fact that I’m not even tired. I tried to go back to bed twice and even stretched out on the chaise in the family room ... but no luck. So I figure I’ll just stop whining and wait until I finally get sleepy. I guess you can’t win ’em all, right?

Exciting crap for the week ahead.

In this post: Deliveries, dough, refunds, frozen fog.

Here’s the exciting crap that’s coming up this week at Howdygram headquarters!

DELIVERIES. On Tuesday and Wednesday we’re expecting: 1) Shirataki noodles, spicy sauces, canned straw mushrooms and a box of tofu from Asian Food Grocer; 2) Jimmy Dean Country Gravy mix, a shower cap, toilet paper, butt wipes and a bottle of DaVinci vanilla syrup from Wal-Mart; 3) my lovely new ecru bedspread from Brylane Home; 4) underpants for Sam from Amazon; 5) four nice glass stacking canisters from Anchor Hocking; and 6) fluffy memory foam slippers from FootSmart. All of these purchases were illustrated for you in earlier posts, but in case you don’t remember them please click here, here, here and here. Thank you.

I’m sorry if this post was boring. They can’t all win a Pulitzer.

In this post: Practically nothing.

SUNDAY, 6 P.M. We’re still ice-bound in north Texas and I can’t think of anything to write about. I’ve basically been sitting around the house like a slug since I got out of bed this morning with the exception of an afternoon nap on the chaise, during which I reclined for four hours under a fake mink blanket named Mister Furry. I didn’t even bother with a normal lunch and opted instead for insulin and potato chips. (Don’t call the diabetes police. I had a craving, okay?) I honestly don’t know if Sam ate anything at all today, although I vaguely remember watching him toast a bagel. Or maybe that was yesterday.

Welcome to “ground zero.”

In this post: Freezing fog, empty shelves.

For at least the next several days north Texas will be ground zero in the Zombie Ice Storm Apocalypse. We’re currently experiencing FREEZING FOG until 9 a.m. Sunday morning, which is depositing EVEN MORE ICE on top of the inch we’ve already got. Freeways and surface streets are virtually impassable and about 200,000 residents are still without power ... including most of NorthPark Center, Nordstrom, the Apple Store and Keller Hamburgers. Breaking news on our local NBC affiliate says Whole Foods has been ravaged and you can’t even find a box of freakin’ SALTINES. For the most part, supermarkets are empty all over town because deliveries can’t get through.

The Howdygram’s official Ice Storm Survival Guide.

In this post: A frozen wasteland, amusing diversions.

In case you’re wondering why I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday, Sam had to work from home because his office was closed due to the entire Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex being entombed in half an inch of ice, so I decided to give him a day of privacy in the study without pestering him.

Waiting for the ice storm from hell.

In this post: Bedding 101, dire warnings, crap weather.

I’m having an issue with hot hands and feet tonight — diabetic peripheral neuropathy again — so I thought I’d hang out in the study for a while and post a picture of the new bedspread I ordered this afternoon. In case you’re interested I didn’t buy the coordinating pillow shams for three reasons: 1) you really don’t need them with a bedspread; 2) they’re generally annoying; and 3) king-size sham stuffers are too heavy to lift with my nerve-damaged hands. Therefore I’ve decided to make our bed the “old-fashioned” way ... with our regular bed pillows folded underneath the spread. Click here if you have a problem with this. Please feel free to offer a detailed explanation.

Introducing Addison Elizabeth.

In this post: Happy faces.

Hey, people, I almost forgot! Here are the first official photos of my teeny new grandniece, Addison Elizabeth, who was born on November 26 to my niece Melissa and her husband Tom. Also included here is big brother Tyler, 5½, who’s apparently getting a huge kick out of all this.

Marshall Field’s was the best damn department store God ever created.

In this post: Remembering Frango Mints.

Know what? FedEx will deliver my sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates ANY MINUTE NOW, and I can hardly wait! This time I included two bags of their French Mints because I’m hoping they’ll remind me of the unforgettable Frangos I used to buy at Marshall Field’s — THE BEST DAMN DEPARTMENT STORE GOD EVER CREATED — a million years ago when I lived in Chicago. (I still dream about Frango Mints. Also Italian beef sandwiches.)

I have the most phenomenal husband on the planet.

In this post: An ode to Sam.

I have, without a doubt, the most phenomenal husband on the planet, and I don’t say this just because he’s 6'5", debt-free and deliriously entertaining. To prove the first part of my opening sentence I am proud to list Sam’s Wednesday morning accomplishments.

Starvation is not a possibility.

In this post: Winter storm warning, emergency provisions.

WEDNESDAY MORNING, 5:45 A.M. Today Howdygram headquarters — actually, the entire Dallas metro area — will experience a last desperate blast of fake summer when our afternoon high hits 81°. This won’t last long, though. By mid-day tomorrow the temperature will be 32° with a 100% chance of significant sleet and freezing rain that’s forecast to continue through Friday night, at which time the temperature bottoms out at 22°. That’s even cold enough for hell to freeze over! Fortunately, we’re well-supplied with emergency provisions here because Sam stocked up on winter storm essentials yesterday at Wal-Mart: 1) two large lumps of braunschweiger; 2) margarine; 3) zero-carb heavy cream; 4) spicy little Jimmy Dean sausage patty whatnots; 5) blueberry Clif Bars; and 6) my prescription refill for Spironolactone. 

I use a cane for balance and walk with a gait like Godzilla.

In this post: Kvetch report, storm forecast.

That pitiful sound you hear in the background is my screaming knees. This has been a productive yet physically challenging day for Queen Kvetch of Howdygramland, involving two loads of laundry, ironing, pantry reorganization and stacking the dishwasher, an activity that I hate almost as much as emptying the damn thing. In case you’re new around here, I am a mostly-friendly senior citizen with MOBILITY ISSUES. A lot of them. These include arthritic knees, plantar fasciitis in both feet, muscle weakness in my lower back and legs, diabetic peripheral neuropathy (nerve damage in my limbs) and autonomic neuropathy that makes me lightheaded and short of breath. I use a cane for balance, walk with a gait like Godzilla and usually can’t stand for more than five minutes at a time. Holy crap, right?

Slippers from FootSmart are recommended for “feet with issues.”

In this post: Happy feet, new connections.

Take a guess what’s new today at Howdygram headquarters. Give up? SLIPPERS! I usually shlep around here year-round in my bare feet but a FootSmart catalog that came in today’s mail convinced me to take a closer look at the cuties pictured below. They’re recommended for “feet with issues” — i.e., plantar fasciitis, swelling and diabetic neuropathy — and made of squishy microfiber terry with REAL MEMORY FOAM FOOTBEDS and have traction soles in case I decide tap dance outside on the snow and ice. Even better, they only cost $24.99, come in huge sizes (I’m a 12 wide) and I ordered them in black. (I order everything in black.)

Rick Santorum, America’s self-appointed Birth Control Führer.

In this post: Another scary forecast, another Putz of the Week.

It’s a lovely, clear Monday night in north Texas, about 55° at 9:30 p.m., and the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com are again attempting to convince us that a TERRIFYING WINTER STORM WITH ICE is on the way. This time there’s a big orange Special Weather Statement warning about freezing rain Thursday night, freezing rain and sleet on Friday, and another potential round of wintry crap on Saturday and Sunday. However it’s worth noting that Weather.com hasn’t provided an accurate forecast for the Dallas metro area since 1983. I hate those people.

Hypoglycemic delirium and Cyber Monday adventures.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, Cyber Monday, a focus on accents.

I’m just coming out of another scary low blood sugar episode. About 45 minutes ago I woke up to go to the bathroom and knew something was completely screwed when my knees didn’t hurt (my knees ALWAYS hurt) and I had a craving for chocolate, French fries, an onion bagel with braunschweiger, sweet pickles and Hunan Shrimp all at the same time. My blood sugar tested at 47; four tasty tropical fruit glucose chewables from Wal-Mart saved the day. I like the pink and yellow ones.

Who wouldn’t want a case of Hormel tamales delivered by helicopter?

In this post: Amazon does it again.

Hi, people. While Sam is asleep in the family room watching My Favorite Spy (1951) starring Bob Hope I’ve decided to hang out here with the Howdygram until it’s time for my next meal, which most likely will be SOON judging from the noise in my stomach. I’m considering a variety of different menu possibilities, but right now at the top of my short list are Five-Minute Stupid Soup and Marcy’s Low-Carb Mock Matzo Balls. (Point of interest: When you throw in mock matzo balls, Five-Minute Stupid Soup actually takes 40 minutes.)