Poor Sam has worked a ginormous number of hours this week. Three nights in a row he got home at almost 4 a.m. and tonight won’t be much different, although he just called to tell me he THINKS he might be able to sneak out around 3. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone.
This means I’m currently unsupervised here with THREE HUGE CONTAINERS OF SUGAR-FREE MARBLE HALVA that arrived today in a carton from
Amazon.com. Unfortunately, although it contains zero sugar it’s definitely NOT low-calorie or low-fat … and I just realized that I want to eat every glorious molecule of it TONIGHT. The situation is so serious I might have to call a halva hotline for emotional support. I tried hiding my paring knife, but that didn’t work because I keep remembering where I hid it. Also I have lots of other knives. And if I can’t find a knife I’ll just rip off little chunks with my teeth or bare hands like a cannibal.
Something peculiar happened last night during Bravo TV’s “Work of Art” … I found myself becoming slightly less repulsed by Sucklord. The artists/contestants had to work on a project with a group of children in an art program sponsored by the New York City public schools, and Sucklord ALMOST behaved like a rational person. His finished piece of artwork, however, was so atrocious that judge Jerry Saltz practically threatened to kill him. Okay, maybe that’s not quite accurate. Jerry actually said, “If you don’t stop with all the weird Star Wars crap I’m going to get medieval.” (I wonder if this includes torture.)
Sucklord is a strange, counter-culture geek who has a
website with an online store that sells bizarre products under the “Suckadelic” brand name, two of which appear below. I have no idea how any of this can be considered ART or how Sucklord ever displayed enough talent at any level to qualify as a contestant.
Incidentally, the Super Suckmobile with Pimpin’ Jake is TEENY. Jake is about the size of a Playskool Weeble. (You should buy two. They’re only $125 each.)
Thank you for reading this.
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