These “sexy men” are a couple of genuine duds.

I think I’m going to be sick. Today “People” magazine announced the winner of their “sexiest man alive” for 2011 … an actor named Bradley Cooper who I’ve never heard of. And the runner-up was Ryan Gosling, somebody ELSE who I never heard of. Apparently this is what’s sexy in the 21st century … beady eyes, grubby beards, hairy necks and a BEANIE.

“People” magazine can’t be serious. These two screwballs look like a pair of grimy MUGGERS and if I saw them on a subway platform I’d probably call the cops. It seems that the whole world has forgotten what a gorgeous movie star is supposed to look like. So with that in mind, I’m pleased to offer the following gallery for your possible interest and amusement.

You’ll note that all of these magnificent gentlemen are neat and clean with great hair, non-beady eyes, excellent clothes and — holy crap — enough sex appeal to ignite the petrified forest. Unfortunately, the only one still living is Robert Wagner, who’s as adorable at 81 as he was at 30. And I’d be willing to bet he’s never had a hairy neck or decided to pose in a beanie for a publicity photo.

I just got home from Kroger and have to put away my groceries EXCEPT for a sugar-free lemon pound cake, which I plan to eat immediately with a large glass of milk. Thank you for reading this.