All of a sudden I have an uncontrollable urge to tweeze my eyebrows.

I finally did it. I’ve finally managed to screw up my sleep cycle to such an impossible degree that I might never recover from this. In case you’re interested, I was up until 5 this morning working on a website for a new client, conked out until 8:30, sat around yakking with Sam for an hour and then went back to bed until noon, at which time the house was silent as a tomb because Sam was already on his way to the office. But wait, there’s more! After eating a speedy baloney sandwich — an activity that maybe lasted 15 minutes — I stretched out on the chaise in the family room AND SLEPT FOR 4½ HOURS. When I finally opened my eyes it was 4:50 p.m. I couldn’t remember my name, what day it was, why I was wearing socks or how I got there. All obvious evidence aside, however, I do NOT use drugs except for: 1) Victoza; 2) Glyburide; 3) Aldactone; 4) Pravastatin; 5) Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazide; and 6) Amitriptylene Hydrochloride, my “happy pills.” (God bless happy pills!)

And now for the Howdygram’s latest Einstein Award, which I proudly present to the following duo of certified morons, Mark Rubinson and Robert Young, pictured below, who apparently cruised around Denver with a dead buddy’s corpse in the back seat of their SUV and then and used the dead man’s debit card to fund a $1300 spree on the town. To their credit, however, the Einstein twins are NOT accused of murdering the aforementioned dead buddy, Jeffrey Jarrett, who apparently died from a lethal combination of drugs and alcohol. (With friends like these, I can understand why.)

Prosecutors said Rubinson and Young discovered Jarrett dead at home, but instead of calling 911 they shlepped him into the back seat of Rubinson’s SUV and went for a ride. They also ate dinner at Viva Burrito and filled the SUV with gas, all charged to Jarrett’s debit card, and then spent several hours at Shotgun Willie’s strip club, where they withdrew $400 cash from Jarrett’s account. The Einsteins have been sentenced to community service, a mental health evaluation and treatment, substance abuse treatment and cognitive behavioral therapy. In other words, they’re INSANE.

I would also like to share two new photos of my well-dressed great-nephew Cooper, who arrived on earth — Chicago, to be specific — at the end of December. I’m positive you’ll agree he’s just about the cutest little thing EVER with the possible exception of Baby Sam, who’s featured prominently in the Howdygram’s sidebar.

The photo immediately above is also the latest of my mother. To tell you the truth, I’m impressed as hell that she’s still wearing makeup and getting her hair and nails done every week even though she’s 90 years old, stuck in a wheelchair and lives in a nursing facility!

Holy crap. All of a sudden I have an uncontrollable urge to tweeze my eyebrows.

The Howdygram would like to recommend the following entertainment options for your weekend viewing pleasure. On TCM tomorrow are the following excellent movies. (Times listed are Central.)

• The Three Stooges Meet Hercules (1962), 8:15 a.m., with Moe, Larry and an imitation Curly (Hercules probably isn’t real, either).
• Meet Boston Blackie (1941), 9:45 a.m., with Chester Morris.
• The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953), 12:30 p.m., starring nobody in particular.
• The Razor’s Edge (1946), 7 p.m., with Tyrone Power, Gene Tierney and Clifton Webb.
• For Heaven’s Sake (1950), 9:45 p.m., with Joan Bennett, Clifton Webb and Robert Cummings.
• Mister Scoutmaster (1953), 11:30 p.m., with Clifton Webb, Edmund Gwenn and George “Foghorn” Winslow (seriously).
• Sitting Pretty (1948), 2:15 a.m. Sunday, with Clifton Webb, Maureen O’Hara and Robert Young.

I also want to recommend Game Change Saturday night on HBO, which lampoons the failed McCain/Palin campaign back in 2008. If you don’t get HBO you’re welcome to drop in to watch with Sam and me. We’ve got popcorn.

It’s time for a can of fake meat and a “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares” double feature. Thank you for reading this.