Get ready to vomit shamrocks!

Hello from north Texas, where the skies are gray, the air is warm (78°) and somebody’s getting rain ... but it’s just not us. Weather.com is teasing us with thunderstorms for the next several days — severe storms on Monday — but trust me, I’ve lived here almost five years and they blow it every chance they get. Our five-day forecast appears below. Don’t believe it. The fine people of Dallas should go ahead with their outdoor weddings and golf tournaments.

Get ready to vomit shamrocks! To help the world honor St. Patrick, the patron saint of drunks and parades, Burger King is giving away FREE FRIES WITH GREEN KETCHUP — no purchase necessary! — on March 17 and 18, after which you should drive straight over to McDonald’s to wash them down with a minty green shake. Except you have to pay for the shake since McDonald’s apparently doesn’t give a crap about holy days.

Here’s some breaking financial news. Always a model of fiscal responsibility, I called AT&T yesterday afternoon to cut back on our U-Verse cable service. Last year they offered me a juicy 12-month discount when I signed us up for their bloated “450” plan with every channel ever invented including Bulgarian Classics, The Hopscotch Network and Korean high school wrestling. To avoid being billed an extra $48 a month starting tomorrow I switched us to the “350” plan, whereby we get to keep basic, expanded basic, premium basic, all the high-definition channels plus Encore, HBO and Cinemax ... all for less money. Glorioski! Pass the chips!

And now for the latest hogwash from presidential candidate Rick Santorum, the GOP’s official Stormtrooper-in-Chief, whose latest crusade is to ban pornography in the United States. This would include everything available to the general public that doesn’t meet his personal standard for decency, such as “Playboy” and possibly even “Top Chef,” where a couple of contestants were taped flirting with each other during season eight. Santorum says, “As a parent I am concerned about the widespread distribution of illegal obscene pornography and its profound effects on our culture. The Obama Department of Justice seems to favor pornographers over children and families. That will change under a Santorum Administration.” Obama favors pornographers? Seriously?

Excuse me, Field Marshal Santorum, but have you read the first amendment lately? Ordinary pornography is not illegal ... and it’s also not especially widespread. I don’t know where you shop, Rick, but I walk into plenty of stores and businesses and have never yet been bombarded with copies of “Anal Weekly” or “American Orgasm.”

Santorum clearly wants to ban everything that offends him. Using that logic, I want to ban HIM. Actually, I’m surprised he’s found time to worry about porn considering his busy schedule condemning college educations, premarital sex, Puerto Ricans for speaking Spanish and radical, fallen women who work outside the home and take birth control pills. Please promise me you’re NOT going to vote for this idiot.

I’ve been trying to decide what’s for dinner tonight. The options here are endless, such as: 1) potato pancakes; 2) a toasted bagel with baloney and Vlasic bread & butter pickles; 3) fake meat in a can; or 4) call China City. At the moment I’m leaning towards #4 but the others all sound awfully damn wonderful, too. Please send an email ASAP if you’d like to cast your vote. Thank you.