Paul Revere and the Raiders: five jumping geriatrics still in costume after 50 years.

Once again it’s an honor to report that Sam has saved my life. He does this regularly, every time I’ve got a crisis and he jumps in like a tall but spindly super-hero minus the cape and tights. (Damn, he’d look great in tights.) Around 9:45 last night I called Sam at work to tell him: 1) the shower faucet handle in the master bath was disconnected and I couldn’t figure out how to snap it back where it belonged; and 2) while I was eating dinner a Schwan’s popcorn shrimp rolled off my plate, landed momentarily on my right foot and then ricocheted under the sectional sofa in the family room. A masterful troubleshooter, Super Sam fixed the shower handle and retrieved my rapscallion shrimp less than 10 minutes after he got home from work. We celebrated with mozzarella sticks and watched Up the River starring Humphrey Bogart and Spencer Tracy.

Shortly before the events of paragraph one, around the same time that renegade shrimp took a nosedive under the furniture, I had an out-of-body experience with a PBS all-star music special co-hosted last year by Peter Noone and Davy Jones (who just died). While Davy is singing his first number — “Daydream Believer” — the camera pans around the audience and I’m thinking, are they taping this in a senior center? Who the hell are all these old people and why do they know the words?

And then it hit me. Holy crap, THEY’RE MY AGE. They’re all sixtysomething GRANDPARENTS with gray hair and high blood pressure! Noone (64) and Jones (65) looked AMAZING, although nice teeth and money probably have a lot to do with that.

I recorded the program and plan to watch the rest after Sam leaves for work today. A bizarre number by Paul Revere and the Raiders — five jumping geriatrics still in costume after 50 years — sort of pushed him over the edge so I promised to change the channel.

In other news, I’m expecting a number of exciting FedEx deliveries this afternoon, including the sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles from Wal-Mart that should have been here YESTERDAY. (I will probably eat the entire jar for dinner. I love those things.)

One final thought before I go back to bed. Maybe somebody can explain why the GOP presidential candidates are so obsessed with sex and birth control, because I don’t understand it. Yesterday Mitt Romney announced, “Planned Parenthood? We’ll get rid of that.” Frankly, I’d rather get rid of YOU, Mitt, and the entire field of nasty, frustrated Republican nutjobs. GET THEM OFF THE PUBLIC STAGE. A woman’s reproductive system is none of their damn business and I’m fed up with their degrading rants. Seriously.

Have a nice day and thank you for putting up with me.