Blaine, Missouri, the Stool Capital of the United States.

It’s Wednesday, smack-dab in the middle of Sam’s trip to Los Angeles. He’s headed to the Getty Museum today with his mom and Aunt Adie; I’ll be here at Howdygram headquarters loading the freezer with food because our Schwan’s delivery doofus will be here with a large quantity of our favorite biweekly whatnots. Today’s delivery will include: Hot & Spicy Chicken Boobies, Krunchie Potato Wedges, Onion Rings, Mozzarella Sticks, Chicken Patties and Ground Beef. All are pictured below with helpful notations for your possible interest.

 

In case you’re wondering how come I like Schwan’s so much, I’ve got two reasons. One, they send a really nice delivery doofus to your house every other week — no grocery stores! no standing in line with idiots! no shlepping! — and he’ll even pile everything into your freezer if you let him. (I don’t let him.) Two, they sell fine crapola in really nice packaging, such as ground beef that doesn’t get freezer burn and big resealable bags for just about everything else. On top of all that, Schwan’s always has lots of excellent specials and coupons! Today, for instance, they’re subtracting $18.15 from my total, which includes $3.25 for sale items, $4.90 in bonus points from my last order and a $10 savings certificate because I’m a swell person overall. (Not really. All you have to do is spend $75.) If you’ve never tried Schwan’s you can sign up for free and get $10 off your first order. Click here, okay?

Here’s some great news if you live in Texas and spend your dough on Amazon.com (like yours truly ... Amazon is opening TWO GIGANTIC DISTRIBUTION CENTERS in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex! This means lots of my orders will ship for next-day delivery, and as a bonus for the community Amazon is currently hiring more than 1,000 hourly warehouse employees at pretty decent salaries (all at least twice the minimum wage) with stock benefits. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Amazon’s new distribution center in Coppell; and C) their other new distribution center in Haslet, somewhere north of Fort Worth.

Although you probably don’t give a crap about any of this, I’m pretty damn excited that my Ziploc bags, chia seeds and Dial body wash will be arriving at the speed of light from now on. Holy crap!

I think I’ll put my feet up for a while, eat salami and watch Waiting for Guffman (1996) plus three recorded episodes of “People’s Court.” Incidentally, if you’ve never seen Waiting for Guffman you should treat yourself as soon as possible. It’s a Christopher Guest “mockumentary” and one of the funniest movies EVER. The plot involves an amateur theatrical group staging an historical pageant in Blaine, Missouri — the Stool Capital of the United States. (Seriously.) It doesn’t get much better than this.

Thank you.