I sincerely apologize for using the word “fucked.”

There’s so much news tonight I almost don’t know where to start. I’m thinking a simple list might work best, so here goes.

1. We have a huge crack in the bay window in our master bedroom. Sam is guessing it probably happened yesterday by accident — an airborne rock? — when the weekly landscaper dudes were here mowing and trimming our lawn. Holy crap.
2. Wal-Mart reshipped my busted jars of green olives (see earlier post).
3. We’re taking our Saturn to Pep Boys this week for a new battery, wheel alignment and tires. No matter what it costs, this is still way cheaper than buying another car.
4. Our refi closing has been scheduled for June 25 at 10 a.m. here at Howdygram headquarters. Do you think anybody expects me to serve cookies?
5. Tomorrow’s assorted deliveries from Wal-Mart and Amazon will include Tone body wash, 12 bags of Planters Fruit & Nut Trail Mix, McCormick flavor extracts, a case of wintergreen TicTacs, Loma Linda fake meat in a can, a three-plug swivel outlet, Heinz sugar-free ketchup and Crisco sticks. Is this exciting, or what?
6. I had leftover Chinese food for dinner tonight and Chia Seed Pudding for dessert. I love my life.

Another day, another ulcer. Tonight I’d like to introduce the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week TWINS … another pair of far-right douchebag lawmakers obsessed with women’s reproductive rights, as if it’s any of their business! Say howdy to GOP congressmen Bob Goodlatte of Virginia and Michael Burgess of Texas.

Let’s begin with Burgess, m’kay? He’s a proponent of the bogus “Pain-Capable Infant Protection Act,” which proposes to ban abortions after 20 weeks because he’s convinced that the clump of cells in your uterus can feel pain. He also believes the aforementioned clump can feel pleasure, because fetuses of the male persuasion — i.e., boys — are already masturbating as early as 15 weeks. In the womb. Seriously. I wish somebody would explain why can’t we impeach politicans for introducing horseshit legislation based on religion, fantasy or CRAP SCIENCE.

As for Bob Goodlatte, he stood up in Congress yesterday to support Burgess’ misogynist baloney with this statement: “It is time to welcome your children who can feel pain to the human family.”

Although the Howdygram’s official platform should be well-known to our regular readers by now, in case you’re new around here I think the late George Carlin said it best:

Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no Head Start, no school lunches, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked.

George really nailed it, didn’t he? Incidentally, I sincerely apologize for using the word “fucked” even though I firmly believe it’s the most expressive (and appropriate) word in the English language.

Just in case you’re wondering if I’m ready to show off any more new fonts, here are my latest acquisitions for your possible interest. The one that’s second from the bottom is a dingbat font of really cool arrows. Because a girl can never have too many cool arrows.

Thank you for reading this. Now let’s get on with our lives, okay?