Celebrating Paula Deen’s Southern-fried meltdown.

My front doorstep is piled high with fabulous crap right now following a couple of huge deliveries from Wal-Mart and Amazon. There’s actually a lot more than I can haul inside on my own — it’s not easy to shlep cartons when you walk with a cane! — so everything will just have to stay where it is until Sam gets home from work tonight. In the meantime I’m baking a a nice loaf of low-carb bread and planning my retirement.

I just realized the last half of the previous sentence gets me sexually excited.

Let’s talk retirement for a minute, okay? My number one most important step forward this week involved CANCELING MY OBNOXIOUS CREDIT CARD PROCESSING ACCOUNT, and effective yesterday Ovation Creative no longer accepts Visa, Mastercard and American Express. Everybody has to send me checks instead. I love it, and so far all of my clients think it’s a swell idea, too. Simplicity is a beautiful thing, and I’m one step closer to being a happy senior citizen on Social Security.

Don’t tell Sam, but I just signed us up to make a donation of household goods to the American Kidney Fund. They call here all the time to request crapola from Howdygram headquarters but I’ve always just said no because I wasn’t especially motivated to clean out my closets. This time, though, it sounded like a swell idea, so they’re sending a truck over here next Wednesday. This means we’ve got six days to pack up all the annoying whatnots we don’t want any more, such as blankets, towels, books, clothes, shoes, place mats, and a dozen moderately ugly throw pillows I bought when we first moved into our house. I seriously can’t wait to get rid of this stuff. Please let me know as soon as possible if you want to contribute any of your own personal crap. Thank you.

There’s breaking news today from our Guess Who’s Screwed department. It seems that celebrity chef and overpaid buttermonger Paula Deen is being sued by former employees who claim a long-standing policy of racism, violence, segregation and discrimination at her restaurant in Savannah, Georgia. If that’s not creepy enough, during Deen’s pre-trial deposition she testified that yes, of course she uses the “N-word,” because she’s a sixty-something Southern white woman and that’s how she was raised. She also remarked that she’s always wanted to hire little black waiters with white jackets and bow ties to pretend to be “slaves” at a beautiful “old-school Southern plantation wedding.” You know, happier times from before the Civil War ...

At the moment Paula Deen’s attorney and the Food Network are having a collective heart attack trying to find a way to paint this idiot’s brand with a non-Confederate brush, but she may be doomed. I, for one, could care less, because I’ve never been a fan and HER FOOD WILL KILL YOU.

As long as I’m touching on the subject of racism, I’d like to share the following photo of Johnny Depp in his latest incarnation as Tonto in Disney’s remake of The Lone Ranger. 

Apparently Depp is convinced he’s bringing something authentic and important to his Tonto characterization after Disney pulled strings to get him “adopted” by the Comanche Nation, although it should already be insulting enough to Native Americans that Depp parades around looking like Captain Jack Sparrow with a dead bird on his head. In my view, if Depp is really so interested in fighting racism against Native Americans he’d advocate for a real Native American to play the part and for Disney to produce a film about a real person, not a two-dimensional comic book character. Holy crap.

If you can’t smell my homemade bread there must be something wrong with you. I have to eat dinner now.