I’ll never be ready for Newt Gingrich in spandex.

After I posted last night about the grand opening of our brand new Central Market — with the huge Kosher department and New York deli — located at the most congested retail intersection in Dallas, I figured I’d better snag an alternate source for Jewish groceries because I’m positive I’ll never find parking even if I show up before the employees. So I hunted around on the Internet and — glorioski! — discovered the KC Kosher Co-op, a brilliant organization that trucks Kosher food to deprived cities all over the United States when they can’t find matzo meal, beet borscht or macaroons in their local supermarkets. Dallas, thank God, is on the list. So are Houston, Atlanta, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Memphis and Phoenix, to name a few.

The Co-op carries absolutely EVERYTHING ... thousands of products and thousands of brands at prices that actually border on wholesale. You place an order by a certain date each month and four weeks later they send a truck full of groceries to a specific location and you show up to collect your loot. The only snag? You have to buy in bulk, such as a dozen jars of gefilte fish, 10 pounds of frozen Kosher chickens, 24 boxes of matzo. Fortunately the Co-op’s website has a feature that lets you arrange to split an order with somebody else in your city in the event you have no pressing need for three gallons of Manischewitz grape juice.

I registered with the Co-op online this morning and hope to place an order in time for Passover even though Sam and I are only observant when a holiday involves matzo balls. Stay tuned for further updates, okay?

And now, in breaking news from our Gouge My Eyes Out department, apparently former presidential candidates Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain have turned down separate offers to appear on “Dancing with the Stars,” a pointless competition that encourages untalented, uncoordinated and sweaty D-list celebrity wannabes to humiliate themselves to music on national television. While they’re wearing spandex.

This opens up a whole new realm of possibilities, since I never really considered all the different ways that former and current presidential candidates could entertain the American people. For example ...

Thank you for reading this.