Holy crap. Oklahoma has clubs?

Take a guess who just caught the last train to Clarksville! In breaking news from Howdygram headquarters (and every major news website in the United States), DAVY JONES, 66, former miniature 1960s heart-throb and member of the TV singing group The Monkees, died today of a heart attack near his home in Indiantown, Florida. He last appeared on stage 10 days ago at a club in Oklahoma. Holy crap. Oklahoma has clubs?

Jones is survived by his wife, four daughters and a pair of seriously impressive jugs (see below). I’m guessing the latter should be destined for the Smithsonian.

I wonder if Governor Christie will order all the flags in New Jersey to be flown at half-staff. I liked Davy Jones a lot better than Whitney Houston.

In other news, FedEx just dropped off a huge and exceptionally heavy carton from Wal-Mart that contains two enormous containers of laundry detergent, two industrial-size bottles of Scope mouthwash, paper towels and a couple of one-pound tubs of sugar-free Nesquik because I’ve recently started mainlining chocolate milk. However, I can’t actually lift the carton so I’ll have to let it sit quietly on the front step until Sam gets home tonight.

But wait, there’s more! I’m still expecting UPS to deliver a biography of Clifton Webb from Amazon.com plus two teeny bottles of concentrated LorAnn flavor oil that I ordered last Friday. Flavor oils are genius. Just a few drops can change an entire bowl of frosting or a whole cake mix. LorAnn makes at least 100 flavors; I’m starting with raspberry and marshmallow. As you can see from the expression on my face, I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

Time to head into the kitchen and rustle up some grub. I’m considering two possible menus for tonight’s evening meal: 1) a can of Loma Linda fake meat and a Mediterranean vegetable blend that I got this morning from Schwan’s; or 2) sugar-free pudding and Cheetos. You have 15 minutes to help me decide by sending your vote via email. Thank you in advance.