Unforgettable crap, stiff knees and plenty of boobies.

There’s nothing much to do today except pick up a prescription at Wal-Mart so I just spent an hour and half posting new product reviews on Amazon.com for all the excellent, unforgettable crap I’ve been ordering during the past couple of months, such as Yehuda matzo farfel, a battery-powered lantern, Melitta coffee, Bear Creek soup mixes, a roasting pan, Bisto faux gravy granules, Downy Unstopables and Miracle Rice. I draw the line at reviewing personal care products, however, because if people need outside assistance with shower gel and toothpaste they’re nothing but a bunch of Einsteins.

In case you’d like to waste an hour of your life click here to read all my product reviews on Amazon.

It’s a dismal, overcast day in north Texas with lots of rain on the way tonight and tomorrow, a fact that was apparent even before I checked Weather.com because my knees hurt like hell today and they’re stiff as a board. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could take a decent pain-killer, but all I’m allowed to use is ordinary Tylenol. I had to give up Motrin and Naproxen last summer when my kidney function started to decline, and prescription meds like Ultracet make me so excruciatingly sick I’d rather skydive without a parachute. (You get my drift.)

Sam and I watched an outrageously well-made and frightening movie on TCM this morning … Trader Horn, nominated for best picture of 1931 starring Harry Carey and Duncan Renaldo.

Trader Horn was filmed in East Africa by an MGM crew with zero experience away from a Hollywood studio, so nearly everybody wound up with malaria and life-threatening infections and also had to survive flash floods, sunstroke, swarming locusts and attacks by snakes, wildlife and armies of ants. Director Woody VanDyke even included ACTUAL FOOTAGE of a native being killed by a charging rhino and another being eaten by a crocodile. Give this movie a shot sometime. It’s probably the most realistic, unvarnished look at “darkest Africa” you’ll ever see, and because it was released several years before the production code there are also plenty of boobies. We enjoyed this film so much I won’t even comment on Duncan Renaldo’s silly pith helmet that was big enough to double as a canoe.

I think I’ll make dinner now. In case you’re interested, this includes a pot of Bear Creek hot & sour soup with some tofu thrown in — a person can never get enough low-fat protein! — and sugar-free frosted cake for dessert. There’s always enough to share if you want to stop by. Try to get here by 7 if you want to watch this week’s episode of “Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.” Shalom, y’all.