I want to hide in the family room with Myrna Loy movies and braunschweiger for the rest of my life.

In this post: Old Pencil Neck.

My final Howdygram post for the month of April will focus on three distinct and important topics: 1) another Putz of the Week; 2) I’m running the dishwasher; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. The first item appears below; items 2 and 3 should be self-explanatory. Thank you.

Schwan’s home delivery is frequently my only contact with the outside world.

In this post: William Powell, canned shrimp.

It’s Tuesday morning, 7 a.m., and I’ve been awake since 4:45 doing practically nothing except catching up on current events via assorted news websites. Also shopping. I just ordered a box of AA batteries plus the following DVDs from Amazon because they’re very old and very hard-to-find Philo Vance mysteries starring William Powell: The Greene Murder Case (1929) with Jean Arthur and Eugene Pallette and The Benson Murder Case (1930) with Natalie Moorhead and Hopalong Cassidy (William Boyd). Oh boy, people. I LOVE THIS STUFF!

The secret to a happy marriage is lunch meat.

In this post: Lunch meat, intolerance.

Sometimes life is fraught with disappointment. Last night while I was waiting for Sam to get home from work I desperately wanted a BLT except I didn’t have any L or T so I just ate B on low-carb toast with mayo.

Which brings me to my next point: THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS LUNCH MEAT. This morning Sam went shopping at Wal-Mart and brought home two packages of Oscar Mayer Pickle & Pimiento loaf just for me. This is a man who knows how to touch my heart, and it usually involves cheap processed meat.

Stupid crap from the mouths of Republicans.

In this post: Stupid crap from Republicans, easy egg salad, good movies.

I’ll begin my post tonight with more of the Howdygram’s intensely popular progressive political commentary. This time: STUPID CRAP FROM THE MOUTHS OF REPUBLICANS. Trust me, there’s enough material to fill a 24-volume encyclopedia but I’ve narrowed it down to a few of my favorites. Thank you, and here we go.

I got all dressed up with shoes and a brassiere.

In this post: A new low, musical memories, baloney with olives.

Sunday got away from me, people. Following a severe low blood sugar episode Friday night during which — how can I put this delicately? — I was minutes away from a HYPOGLYCEMIC COMA, I spent most of Saturday and all day Sunday indulging in copious amounts of sleep because that’s how a body responds to shitty diabetic experiences: WITH TOTAL EXHAUSTION. However we did have an opportunity to enjoy a couple of fine movies this weekend: Hans Christian Andersen (1952) starring Danny Kaye and The Muse (1999) starring Albert Brooks and Sharon Stone.

You can never own too many teeny bowls.

In this post: Household hints, a mascot makeover, nuts for Mom.

There’s not much to report from Howdygram headquarters this evening. Our severe overnight weather forecast has fizzled to drizzle, Sam is soundly asleep in the family room watching Gunga Din (1939) starring Cary Grant, Victor McLaglen and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., as British soldiers romping through colonial India, and I’m here to share the usual assortment of entertaining tidbits, hot tips and clever crap. Let’s begin, shall we?

Vote for this douchebag or he’ll maybe shoot his cannon at the White House.

In this post: Artisans, douchebags on parade.

It’s a pleasant but slightly clammy Friday afternoon here in north Texas as I wait for my first-ever grocery delivery from the grocery delivery people at Artizone.com. In case you missed my post from a week ago, Artizone is like a fancy farmers market with home delivery and I discovered them online by accident. A happy accident. My first order will be here between 6 and 8 p.m. and includes a pound of hard salami, a pound of baloney with sliced-up olives in it, two pounds of mixed bean salad in cilantro dressing and a bag of Brussels sprouts. I’m hungry and I’m hyperventilating! Pictured below for your possible interest are a few of Artizone’s assorted artisans, all located here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. (I’d be willing to bet money that Big Al owns a pickup and a shotgun.)

Glorioski, I love my life.

In this post: Texas rocks, John Wayne stinks.

While I hang around waiting for Sam to wake up I just read an article on CNN Money about cities where home prices are hitting new highs. Although home values in most markets nationwide are still down about 13% from their pre-recession peaks, housing in seven major cities has recovered — and then some, according to Zillow. And, of the seven cities on the list, FOUR ARE RIGHT HERE IN THE LONE STAR STATE: Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Austin. Holy crap, y’all!

Order from Wal-Mart. It’s always nice to have new things.

In this post: Retirement, real mayonnaise, grill marks.

Oy, people, I finally did it. A couple of hours ago I emailed my website clients to announce that I’m discontinuing all remaining aspects of my business by the end of this year and they should hire designers immediately to build new websites for them. This is a big fat “HOLY CRAP” moment for me. Finally ... no more needy pests! No more baloney! No more chasing deadbeats for money! 

Killing time with a low-carb Grape Nuts knockoff.

In this post: Elbow surgery, fake Grape Nuts.

A couple of really important remarks. First, in my last post I lied about watching tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” because I just found out there’s no episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TV tonight. I don’t understand why not, but it is what it is. What the hell.

To my 12 remaining clients: it’s time to move on and leave me alone.

In this post: Dumping clients, pickles & biscuits, a shitty movie.

Here’s some big news from the world of Marcy’s Retirement! About an hour ago I started composing an email announcement to my 12 remaining clients that I’m closing down what’s left of my website design business by the end of this year so it’s time for them to move on and leave me alone. Why now? Because I received an email this afternoon from a client in South Carolina (he owns a custom bakery) who wants to expand his website with six new pages, four million cupcake pictures and an online ordering system. After I said hell no, fat chance, take your business somewhere else, it occurred to me this was an absolutely perfect opportunity to let all of my clients know what I plan to do. Last June I stopped accepting credit cards and all new business; now I’m finally ready to end everything else. I’m so excited I might have a brain hemorrhage. With apologies to Martin Luther King, FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I’M FREE AT LAST! (You get my drift.)

Happy Earth Day. We’re killing ourselves.

In this post: Earth Day, a contemptible Putz.

I’ll begin this morning with a big fat HAPPY EARTH DAY to Howdygram readers all over the planet. Even though I’ve never been a rabid “tree-hugger,” during the last few years it’s become perilously apparent that we’re killing ourselves with poisoned oceans, lousy air, melting polar ice, rising sea levels and extreme climate change. I’m actually relieved to be 62 years old because I know I won’t be around when we run out of fresh water and oxygen.

A new level of Tea Party horseshit, courtesy of South Carolina.

In this post: What a putz.

It’s really late and Sam will be home from work soon but I wanted to dash off another quick Howdygram post for a couple of excellent reasons: 1) I promised to; and 2) I’ve got a damn good Putz of the Week to share with you!

It’s time for a new season of psychotic crab fishermen freezing to death on the Bering Sea.

In this post: Changes, canned ham, crab fishermen.

I’m excited to begin a new week with a gigantic announcement: I’VE DECIDED TO USE A DARKER SHADE OF BROWN FOR THE CONTENT OF MY HOWDYGRAM POSTS! In case you don’t believe me or can’t remember what the old shade of brown looked like, here’s a convenient side-by-side illustration to share with your friends and relatives.

Important Easter news and unexpected tacos.

In this post: Peeps, Jesus, commandments, surprise tacos.

I didn’t think I’d ever stay awake long enough today to write a Howdygram post, but guess what, people ... I was wrong and here I am! I’ve got a couple of Easter-related items of interest to share with you tonight. First up, here’s a video of a moron trying to eat 100 marshmallow Peeps in two minutes. Too bad nobody bothered to film his diabetic coma afterwards. Holy crap.

A quick primer on insulin injections.

In this post: Gourmet groceries, too many needles.

Glorioski, everybody … you’ll never believe what I just discovered: GOURMET GROCERIES FOR HOME DELIVERY RIGHT HERE IN DALLAS. I never thought the Lone Star State could feel so cosmopolitan! The website is called Artizone.com and it’s just like shopping at Central Market except you don’t have to fight for parking or wear a brassiere! Artizone sells products from artisans all over the Dallas/Fort Worth area at pretty amazing prices, and home delivery only costs $5.95. I decided to test the water with the small order pictured below: organic Brussels sprouts, imported hard salami, olive loaf and two pounds of bean salad with onions in a cilantro vinaigrette. Delivery is one week from today even though I’M STARVING RIGHT NOW. Is this exciting, or what?

The Howdygram’s guide to your John Wayne viewing party.

In this post: Celebrating the Duke.

As promised in an earlier post I’m proud to present TCM’s schedule for their first-ever John Wayne Film Festival, neatly-typed by yours truly because I had some time to kill. There are a few movies I haven’t seen but (believe it or not) I think I’ve seen MOST, so please feel free to use the Howdygram’s color-coded key to help you plan your viewing party. You can thank me later.

The day that got away.

In this post: Sleep, shopping, a movie review.

I’ve really outdone myself this time, people. A few minutes ago I woke up from my first-ever SEVEN-HOUR NAP. There was a short lunch break in the middle for a can of Hormel tamales and a brief yet pleasant conversation with Sam, but I remember nothing else about Thursday, April 17. Somebody stuffed my head with sawdust when I wasn’t looking. HOLY CRAP. And I mean this sincerely.

Never turn your back on a speeding train.

In this post: Deliveries, orders, teenage morons.

This has been a relatively uneventful day, not counting a very juicy three-hour late morning nap, lots of teeny Don Miguel tacos for lunch and our biweekly delivery of tasty frozen whatnots from the nice people at Schwan’s, which included the two products pictured below.

I almost ordered Schwan’s Onion Rings, too, but changed my mind at the last minute since I’m pretty sure we don’t have any extra room in the freezer right now due to too much food. Sam and I have to eat faster.

Anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly says men won’t marry well-paid women.

In this post: Sleep, an anti-feminist fossil, Aaron Sorkin.

So far this has been a really strange day. Sam and I woke up shortly after 7 a.m. about 15 minutes apart, and by 9:15 we were both sound asleep in the family room watching an entertaining mystery called Murder on a Bridle Path (1936) starring Helen Broderick and James Gleason. When I finally woke up at 12:30 Sam had switched to Around the World in Eighty Days (1956) starring David Niven. These are both excellent napping movies and we highly recommend them.

Wishing you a Happy Passover. And “yo” from Moses!

In this post: Passover.

Thank God I’m retired because technology makes me sick.

In this post: Headaches, horseshit, brain damage.

I’m not exactly sure how to write this post. At the moment I’ve got a migraine headache resulting from a major brouhaha today with my website hosting company, Web.com. I’ll try to explain what happened without screaming. In case you need a definition, a “brouhaha” is a regular garden-variety hoo-hah with significant additional hysterics.

We eat a lot of food around here.

In this post: Costco, kids and technology.

It’s a dark and dismal Monday morning here in north Texas, and while I’m here in the study enjoying my first Marcytini of the day Sam is on his way to Baylor Medical Center for routine lab work and then to Costco for an assortment of excellent crap. Today this will include: 1) Don Miguel teeny tacos; 2) Sam’s favorite breakfast burritos; 3) lots and lots of pistachios; 4) tasty Foster Farms frozen chicken patties; and 5) an industrial-size sack of fully-cooked bacon.

Celebrating Sunday. Thunderstorms, baloney and great crap on TV.

In this post: Blackouts, baloney, thunderstorms, a train wreck.

It’s 4:30 in the morning and Sam and I woke up about an hour ago. This is what happens when a person takes too many naps! In my case, though, it resulted from a huge hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) crisis at lunch-time yesterday when I practically blacked out followed by such overwhelming fatigue that I slept on the chaise for SIX HOURS. By the time I woke up — around 6 p.m., I think — the whole day was shot to hell.

Groceries for Jewish people who like to eat.

In this post: Gefilte fish, film festivals.

Happy Saturday morning from your friends at the Howdygram! We’re expecting an overcast, windy day here with temperatures in the low 80s and a 60% chance of severe thunderstorms on Sunday. This is perfectly swell with Sam and me because we have no real plans whatsoever except for cleaning out the garage, making tacos for lunch and picking up my 12-jar case of Mother’s gefilte fish tomorrow night from a snooty house in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in north Dallas. In case you’re interested, Howdygram headquarters is indicated by a red star on the map below; the gefilte fish and arrow point to the aforementioned snooty house. (I’m not joking about the snooty part. The houses are all less than five years old and 6,000+ square feet with four-car garages. These are RICH PEOPLE.)

Another dose of twisted right-wing crap.

In this post: Warped Einsteins, right-wing fetus worship.

I wrote so many posts yesterday — FOUR! — that I didn’t really think I’d have much to say today, but you know what? I was wrong! So here I am, fingers on the keyboard, all limbered-up and ready to go, ready to write another round of truly screwy horseshit. Thank you for showing up today. Before I forget, however ... I’m cold, I’m hungry and my knees hurt, and I might have to duck out for a few minutes to eat dinner because it’s already 6:30.

Things I can’t do any more.

In this post: A serious kvetch report.

I don’t want you to assume that I’m depressed, whiny, negative or defeated, but the list of things I can’t do gets longer every day due to complications and side effects from arthritis, diabetes and a smorgasbord of prescription drugs. Here’s my “can’t do” list as of 11 p.m. on April 10, 2014.

Fighting back against the GOP’s budget from hell.

In this post: Remodeling, the GOP budget, mealtime favorites.

In case you’re dying of curiosity, our shower remodeling crew showed up this morning at 8:30 and they’ve been hard at work ever since not counting a break for lunch. I haven’t even had an opportunity to see what’s going on because they’ve had the bathroom door closed all day so they wouldn’t disturb me. (I was asleep on the chaise in the family room for a few hours watching cheesy monster movies.) It’s currently 6:25, and I have a hunch they’re almost finished because I think I smell paint!

Plans for the Howdygram Gefilte Fish Festival are finally taking shape.

In this post: Gefilte fish.

Oh boy, people! I just got an email from the KC Kosher Co-Op to let me know they’ve got a bunch of unclaimed and highly-discounted Passover groceries from last week’s delivery in Dallas and I should tell them ASAP if there’s anything I want. AND THERE IS! I wrote back right away and called dibs on a 12-jar case of Mother’s gefilte fish (pictured below) for only $4 a jar. In case you’re not a gefilte fish aficionado, that’s a STEAL! Pickup is set for Sunday night between 8 and 11 p.m. at the co-op’s regular drop-off location, which is a snooty mansion in north Dallas near George and Laura Bush’s house. Looks like plans for the Howdygram Gefilte Fish Festival are finally taking shape. (All I need now is an industrial-size drum of horseradish.) Mark your calendar!

A few important things to know on Thursday.

In this post: Thursday events, appreciating Texas.

It’s 6:25 Thursday morning, and here are four things you need to know today:

1. Clayton and Ricky, our chucklehead remodeling team, will arrive sometime between sun-up and 8 a.m. to start working on the shower in our master bathroom. However from prior experience (see previous post) I’ll assume that 10:15 is a safer bet.
2. I’m definitely having baloney and American cheese on low-carb white bread for lunch. My baloney of choice is always Oscar Mayer even though they spell it B-O-L-O-G-N-A. Nobody in their right mind should spell baloney like that.
3. You should watch and/or record the following movies today on TCM: The Lady Vanishes (1938) starring Margaret Lockwood and Michael Redgrave; Happiness Ahead (1934) about an heiress and a singing window washer starring Dick Powell and Josephine Hutchinson; and The Bad and the Beautiful (1952) starring Kirk Douglas and Lana Turner.
4. The state of Texas is HUGE. Details follow.

The art of George W. Bush is a paint-by-numbers project for retired war criminals.

In this post: Equal Pay for Women, crap art.

I forgot to mention in my last post that useless Republican hacks in the Senate pretty much told America’s working women, who still only earn 77¢ for every dollar earned by men, to drop dead today by killing the Equal Pay for Women bill.

Who the hell starts a remodeling project at dinner-time?

In this post: Emergency groceries, waiting for Clayton.

I’ll begin with a brief synopsis of Sam’s emergency grocery expedition to Wal-Mart this morning, which included braunschweiger, Oscar Mayer bologna, a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese and several dozen two-liter bottles of Coke Zero. Because a senior citizen needs her Marcytinis.

Conspiracy theorists are paranoid schizophrenic poop-heads.

In this post: Disruptions, Einstein Award, upcoming events.

Our remodeling contractor (Clayton) will be here tomorrow at 11 a.m. to take apart the shower in our master bathroom and repair the damage from a water leak behind the marble bench. I’ll try to be as brave as possible about this, but I usually have a nervous breakdown if something disturbs my privacy and afternoon nap. Clayton and his helper will be here Thursday, too. I might have to blow my brains out.

Progressive Minnesota, where science teachers don’t have to believe in science.

In this post: Remove Office, a Minnesota pinhead.

We’re enjoying a sparkly, windy spring day here in north Texas and I’m inside trying to delete most of Microsoft Office from my Macintosh hard drive. I launched a tool in my Office folder called “Remove Office” that’s been pretending to search and locate files for the last 20 minutes with no results whatsoever except for an irritating barber pole status bar. However I’ve learned one important thing from this experience: I hate “Remove Office” as much as I hate Office.

I wish I could choke Microsoft Word and throw it off a bridge.

In this post: Dumping, deleting. 

Happy Dump the Crap Day, everybody! I’m streamlining my hard drive today with some hard-core spring cleaning, and I got started about an hour ago by “uninstalling” five really huge Adobe Creative Suite applications that were loaded on my Mac for free by a consultant a few years ago. I never used any of them for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I had zero motivation (or need, either) to horse around with complex software for professional film and music editors. At the moment I’m deleting a demo solitaire game that hasn’t worked since 2008 and Quark XPress 6.0, which is probably about 12 years old. The status bar on my screen started at 18,698 files and after 45 minutes we’ve pared it down to 13,842. Holy crap, I’m not convinced I’ll live long enough to see the end of this.

Tonight’s agenda includes insulin injections, cheesy movies and laundry.

In this post: Sign the petition, cheesy movies.

Good evening, fellow activists! (If you’re NOT a fellow activist please humor me, okay?) I’m excited to announce that the Senate has passed an extension of unemployment benefits, and now the only thing standing between millions of out-of-work Americans and this urgent safety net is the weirdo douchecanoe pictured below.

Mickey Rooney died yesterday at age 93 even though practically nobody realized he was still alive.

In this post: A powerhouse, a Putz.

Hey, did you miss me yesterday? I decided to take a day off from Howdygrammin’ and spent my entire Sunday in various stages of sloth ... sleeping, eating, watching old movies and occasional combinations of all three. Monday, though, started off with more promise, waking up at 5 and spending the next three hours at my desk swallowing pills, drinking flat leftover Coke Zero from last night and sneezing.

Happy birthday Wrigley Field.

In this post: Dead blondes, Wrigley Field.

It’s a dismal, drizzly Saturday afternoon at Howdygram headquarters and Sam’s asleep in the family room watching Forbidden Planet (1956) starring Walter Pidgeon, Anne Francis, Leslie Nielsen and Robby the Robot.

Why bother rinsing spoons in the sink when you can just buy more?

In this post: Kvetch report, announcements.

I don’t feel well today, and I’m going to tell you why whether you really want to know or not. Got that? Good. The complaints du jour are as follows: 1) my body temperature is only 95.4°; 2) I’m peeing way too often; 3) my heels hurt; 4) my right hand feels like it’s broken; 5) my balance is off; 6) I’ve got muscle weakness in both legs; and 7) holy crap, isn’t that enough?

Sam and I always select our frozen crapola as a couple.

In this post: Costco, a Friday agenda, Doris Day.

It’s 10:30 Friday morning as I write this post and Sam is headed to Costco for our favorite weekly provisions, such as: 1) teeny chicken tacos; 2) breakfast burritos; 3) a lot of fresh blackberries; and 4) frozen crapola to be determined. For the record, Sam promised to call from the frozen food section so we can select our crapola as a couple. I haven’t been to Costco for a long time and don’t know what’s what any more.

I want weather and I want it now.

In this post: No weather, Dubya reappears.

Hello, people. It’s Thursday afternoon in north Texas and we still don’t have any weather even though the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com still insist we’re on the radar for severe crap of one form or another. Tornadoes, I think. That’s horseshit. A news tidbit on the Dallas Morning News’ website says an isolated storm passed across Denton — about 58 miles north of Howdygram headquarters — about an hour ago and dumped some hail in the parking lot at Texas Woman’s University. Big deal. I’m not impressed by this in any way whatsoever. I WANT WEATHER AND I WANT IT NOW. Thank you.

Today’s forecast: a disinterested thunderstorm at 7 a.m.

In this post: No weather in Texas, snow in Newfoundland, kvetch report.

I was excited to post the following severe crapola map indicating some actual weather for north Texas, but unfortunately I just found out that the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com were just kidding and we’re not really expecting any weather today at all except for a possible disinterested thunderstorm at 7 a.m. Holy crap, people, that’s not enough water to rinse the lint off your driveway! The teeny green star denotes Howdygram headquarters.

Three things and a new Putz of the Week.

In this post: Our shower remodeling hoo-hah, a new Putz, dinner ideas.

Three things!

FIRST THING. It’s official, people. The Great Shower Remodeling Hoo-Hah has been scheduled for Wednesday, April 9. As I mentioned in yesterday’s Howdygram post, we found out that water has been sneaking behind our marble shower bench for quite some time, so our remodeling dude — Clayton — will dismantle the glass shower enclosure, remove and clean the tiles, take apart the marble bench, replace the entire structure with new supports, sheetrock, mouldings, baseboards and paint, inside and outside the shower. Clayton says it’s a two-day project, which is damn good news because commotion really gets on my nerves and leeches valuable time from my afternoon naps.

Happy April Fool’s Day from the Queen and Donald Trump.

In this post: Scary crap, remodeling, dried fruit, Doris Day Day.

Believe it or not I spent most of the morning trying to figure out something clever to post for April Fool’s Day, but I came up short except for this ... and I apologize profusely if it scares the living crap out of you.