Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Meet “Aunt Barbara,” Long Island’s drag queen Tupperware lady.

I’m being bombarded by client projects again. Today I redesigned two websites, set up an online photo gallery and quoted a brochure project that will probably get underway tomorrow. Every time I try to inch a little closer to retirement I wind up busier than the week before. The money’s nice, but quite honestly I’d rather take a nap and eat cake.

I received two cans of Bisto today from Amazon.com. Bisto is a British product ... intensely popular instant fake gravy granules comprised of seasoned chemicals that you mix into a cup of boiling water. Bisto will make almost anything taste better, such as styrofoam, corrugated cardboard or Schwan’s Chicken Patties, which are basically pre-chewed chicken nuggets on steroids (see below). Bisto is available in a variety of flavors. I bought “Favourite,” which makes a dark brown gravy that pretends to be beef but doesn’t exactly taste like it, and “Chicken,” which should be self-explanatory. (It’s yellow.)
Bisto’s big claim to fame is speed with zero lumps. It’s also very low-calorie with practically no carbs or fat, making it the perfect enhancement for your favorite processed mystery meat.

Here’s a story I read this morning on ABC’s news website about a drag queen superstar Tupperware lady in Long Island named Aunt Barbara. She was the company’s top consultant in North America last year, selling more than $250,000 worth of Tupperware’s overpriced plastics and earning a 2011 Fort Mustang convertible and a trip to Hawaii.
Aunt Barbara is actually Robert Suchan, a 43-year-old former social worker who’s 6'5" tall and booked solid for Tupperware parties six months in advance. She He especially loves Tupperware’s cheese grater, which can double as a weapon in case of a home invasion. The video clip below will give you a better picture. Is he hilarious, or what?

While I wait for Sam to get home from work I think I’ll make a Goofy Fruity Shake and hang out in the family room to watch tonight’s episodes of “Hardcore Pawn” and “Tabatha Takes Over.” You’re welcome to join me but bring your own straw, okay?

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