There’s no business like toe business.

First things first. I’m turning off lights in the family room last night, getting ready to go to sleep, when I walk into the edge of our sectional and crush a toe ... the exact same spot where I crushed another toe three weeks ago and ripped off the entire nail.

But I digress.

Limping and bleeding I shlep into the bedroom, sit on the bed and manage to wrap a bandage around my toe after three tries. I lie down but can’t get comfortable or fall asleep because my foot is throbbing like a jackhammer so I figure I’ll get up watch a Doris Day movie. However, I forget that I’m home alone and it’s okay to turn on a light so I slam into the leather bench at the foot of the bed and smash a toe on my OTHER foot. By now I’m in no mood for Doris Day whatsoever. I’d be much happier with Bride of Chucky or a chainsaw murder.

In case you missed this in the news yesterday, Robert Hegyes, the character who played Juan Epstein on “Welcome Back Kotter” in the mid-197os, died of a heart attack at age 60 ... the same age as me. (I suppose I should stop carrying on about my toes now.)

I have no idea what Hegyes did after “Kotter” went off the air in 1978 aside from a couple of commercials and turning gray. Gabe Kaplan, however, the comedian who played the actual role of “Kotter” (see left), is now a professional poker player and looks a lot like the dude who changes our oil at Jiffy Lube. Except the Jiffy Lube dude shaves.

And now for some comic relief, I give you the delusional GOP crackpot, Newt Gingrich (see right). Pandering to an out-of-work aerospace crowd in Florida yesterday he decides to announce that when we elect him President he’ll colonize the moon and turn it into a state by 2020. Judging from Newt’s racist views about lazy blacks on welfare and abolishing child labor laws so public schools can fire their janitors and force poor minority students to clean the toilets, let’s guess who he’d send to the moon to set up that first colony. (Think there’s any chance we can convince Newt to be governor? I’ll help him pack.)

I should try to get some sleep because it’s almost time for breakfast. Thank you for reading this.