Don’t buy into the hype, people. Just order a couple of pizzas.

In this post: A Velveeta crisis, gourmet Japanese snacks, frozen whatnots from Schwan’s.

Breaking news, snack fans. Apparently the Einsteins at Kraft Foods and their eager accomplices at Advertising Age magazine have engineered a Velveeta shortage just in time for Super Bowl Sunday, fueling the fear that football fans from coast to coast won’t have enough cheap shit to eat if they can’t serve Easy Stupid Queso Dip featuring a melted brick of Kraft’s rubber “cheez” and Rotel canned tomatoes. Because onion dip is so last century.

Don’t buy into the hype, people. Just order a couple of pizzas.

As long as I’ve launched a food theme this might be a fine opportunity to introduce a new product from Frito-Lay: limited-edition MOUNTAIN DEW CHEETOS. Available only in Japan — because nobody else would eat them — these are regular everyday Cheetos dusted with sugary-sweet Mountain Dew powder (WTF?) and taste like the bizarre Mountain Dew “Quest” Doritos that appeared briefly on U.S. grocery store shelves back in 2008. (Excuse me while I puke, okay?) If you’re dying to give these a try you can order them online for about $3.50. Best of luck to you and yours.

And finally, we received our biweekly delivery of Schwan’s frozen whatnots this morning. This time we ordered a sack of Chicken Thingies plus four bags of Sam’s favorite Mozzarella Sticks.

We also wound up with a complimentary copy of Schwan’s spring catalog — glorious full-color food porn! — and I’m damn excited to announce a new product that I can’t wait to try: ZESTY JALAPEÑO BITES. These are exactly the same as the Mozzarella Sticks pictured above except they’re shorter, the cheese is a mozzarella/cheddar blend with chopped green jalapeños in it and the breading is made with speckly ground-up tortillas. (Okay, maybe they’re really not the same after all. Get over it.)

If you’ve never been a Schwan’s customer you should really give them a try. (Click here to sign up.) You just order online and a friendly delivery doofus (ours is named Gary) shows up every other week to shlep your food into the kitchen. He’ll even shove it in the freezer for you! FYI, reviewers say that Schwan’s has excellent ice cream (see below) but I don’t buy any because I have diabetes.

My next post will include a Putz of the Week. I’m not feeling perky enough right now to include it here. Thank you.