Blaming guns for murder is like saying that “obesity is caused by too many spoons.”

In this post: Sam, another Putz of the Week.

In case you’re wondering what time Sam finally got home from work this morning, he walked in at 7 after a relentless 19½-hour marathon that started yesterday at 11 a.m. I was still in bed pretending to sleep but had been checking the clock every 30 minutes since 5 because my stomach was in a knot. I hate it when Sam isn’t here.

But wait ... there’s more! Just before Sam conked out this morning he told me he’ll be working the same insane hours today, tomorrow and ALL STINKING WEEKEND because a couple of his co-workers had the gall to be on vacation this week and the clients are still in-house. All 16 of them. They never went home at all. DON’T THESE PEOPLE EVER BRUSH THEIR TEETH?

And now, the Howdygram’s first Putz of Week for 2014! Please allow me to introduce right-wing conspiracy theorist Jim Garrow, who believes that President Obama is secretly planning to enlist Canadians and aliens — i.e., creatures from outer space — to rule America.

Garrow appeared earlier this week on Erik Rush’s conservative radio talk show program to explain that very soon President Obama will try to boost his sinking poll numbers by claiming that scientists had communicated with extraterrestrials, which is a “secret plan” that’s been under wraps since the 1960s (when President Obama was a toddler, incidentally) and “the greatest deception that mankind has ever faced.” An Ontario native who pretends to be a former U.S. intelligence officer, Garrow also revealed that Obama — who he believes is a Saudi double agent — apparently ordered the deaths of conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart, journalist Michael Hastings and novelist Tom Clancy.

Erik Rush replied with a one-word answer: “Wow.”

It gets even worse, people, because Garrow also believes the next step in Obama’s plan is to order the military to attack Americans who aren’t duped by his extraterrestrials hoax. However, he doubts that U.S. troops would ever turn against their own ... so that’s when the Chinese, Russian, Canadian and United Nations forces would get involved. You know, TO MURDER AMERICANS FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA, the Saudi double agent who’s been plotting to improve his poll numbers since kindergarten with a secret plan from outer space.

And all this time I thought Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-TX), a conspiracy theorist in his own right and a three-time Putz of the Week, was the craziest douchebag on the planet! Check out the following three links to my earlier posts — here, here and here — where I share Gohmert’s views on: 1) ObamaCare’s secret Nazi-style security force of 6,000 evil doctors; 2) the secret Al Qaeda training camp in Mexico that’s sending terrorists into Texas disguised as illegal Mexican immigrants; and 3) a plea for more Americans to be armed because blaming guns for murder is like saying that “obesity is caused by too many spoons.”

It’s 9 a.m., Sam has been in bed since 7:30 and I’m trying to be really really quiet so I don’t disturb him. Maybe I’ll just stretch out on the chaise in the family room for a couple of hours because I definitely didn’t sleep well last night waiting for him to come home. Please turn out the light when you’re done here, okay?