Friday, February 7, 2014

It’s time for the Howdygram’s haphazard coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics.

In this post: 2014 Olympics.

It’s that time again, people, and we’re delighted to begin our haphazard coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics with the news that NBC’s botox poster-child, Bob Costas, apparently has a case of pink-eye, which is why the Howdygram Sports Desk has decided to call him “Blinky” for the duration of the Games. Last night we watched three hours of Figure Skating, Slopestyle preliminaries and the Women’s Very Lumpy Moguls, although the Howdygram’s coverage today will only include skating because I don’t give a crap about the other two.

MEN’S FIGURE SKATING. Highly nervous U.S. figure skater Jeremy “Clydesdale” Abbott sucked to the max during the Men’s Short Program, discovering that ice in Russia is slippery as he fell and flailed his way through a damn embarrassing routine. Jeremy followed Russian charm school graduate Evgeni Plushenko, truly a douchebag on ice, who blows kisses to the judges to improve his score and remarkably did not trip over his nose.
Canada’s best (only?) hope for a medal, energetic yet cross-eyed Patrick Chan, wound up somewhere in the middle after an okay routine that included not falling on his ass. (I’m not saying this to be mean. Patrick IS cross-eyed.) The night’s best performance was delivered by Yuzuru Hanyu of Japan, a teeny, neatly-dressed rocket who landed a million lutzes and ten quadruple toe-loops. (This is an unofficial Howdygram Sports Desk estimate.)

PAIRS FIGURE SKATING. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t get excited watching a bunch of mismatched couples throw themselves all over the ice. I think the big problem last night was height, with 6'5" men towering over half-naked Munchkins (check out U.S. skaters Castelli and Shnapir, below). The first-place pair were a couple of snotty Russians, Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov. Trankov and was dressed like Captain Molotov from the Tsar’s Winter Palace and frequently tried to launch his partner into the second balcony.
I think I’ll go back to bed for a while. Please remember to check again later for more general baloney and additional coverage from the Winter Games. Thank you.

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