Figure skating crashes are the best and only reason to watch the Olympics this year.

In this post: 2014 Olympics, a suspense classic.

I’ve decided that the 2014 Olympics are a boring pain in the ass because I can’t find anything whatsoever to get excited about. Take, for instance Shaun White (snowboarding) and Bode Miller (alpine skiing), a pair of aging, over-hyped former medal winners who look really stupid alongside all the new young talent. They both bombed out in Sochi so maybe it’s time for them to stop living like a couple of entitled narcisisstic schmucks and GET A REAL JOB ALREADY. They’re past their prime and need to just go away so other people can get a shot on Team U.S.A.

I feel exactly the same about our speed skating disappointments, too, namely J.R. Celski and Shani Davis. They won ABSOLUTELY NOTHING at Sochi and didn’t even come close. I’d like to slap them silly for wasting so much of my time.

As far as I’m concerned FIGURE SKATING CRASHES (see below) are the best and only reason to watch the Olympics this year. I record NBC’s four-hour prime time coverage every night and use the fast-forward button so I don’t have to bother with anything else. The best of the lot was Jeremy Abbott, who not only fell on his ass but smashed into the wall directly in front of the judges for extra emphasis. Way to go, Jeremy! And Canada’s Kaetlyn Osmond never stopped “selling it” with a delirious grin even when she failed to land that triple lutz. At least her eyeliner looked good.

And now I think I’ll stretch out in the family room for a while and watch Night Must Fall (1937), a suspense classic starring Robert Montgomery, Rosalind Russell and Dame May Whitty. This is one of my all-time favorites even though I already know how it ends and get scared in all the same places EVERY SINGLE TIME. That’s how good it is! A lot of critics agree this was probably Robert Montgomery’s best performance.

Thank you very much for your undivided attention.