Tonight’s dinner includes low-carb hot dog buns and Stevita imitation cherry Kool-Aid.

In this post: Get covered, free food.

First and foremost, please pay attention to the following urgent graphic from the White House and President Obama. Thank you.

Somebody please get these Chinese families some therapy.

In this post: Reality, Easter bunnies.

My special request for Monday, March 31: WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE GET THESE CHINESE FAMILIES SOME THERAPY. They’ve been flying back and forth from China to Malaysia for THREE WEEKS (don’t any of them have jobs?) with signs, banners and matching “drama club” tee shirts to scream obscenities at exhausted Malaysian officials for the March 8 disappearance of MH flight 370. To sum up their nonexistent grip on reality, here’s a quote from Wen Wancheng, 63, whose only son was one of the passengers: “They’re all still alive, my son and everyone on board! The plane is still there, too! They’re hiding it!” Holy mother of crap.

All we need to beat Russia is a very cool president. And Wall Street.

In this post: Braised camel turds, strangling Putin.

We did it. We did lunch on Saturday at Cafe Greek in Dallas. We always enjoy the food, and the price for their buffet is really swell, but the overall ambiance is two rungs lower than a state-run mental institution and the owner — we call him the “Grim Reaper” — is a rude, non-verbal grumpyface who sits with his back to the dining room playing with an iPad. Even worse, THEY NEVER HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS and we don’t know how they keep their business open. Cafe Greek is situated in a busy strip mall in a popular part of town, the parking lot is always packed with cars, yet at 12 noon on a beautiful spring Saturday the only diners — besides Sam and me — are a pair of joyless middle-aged women at separate tables sending text messages. (Not to each other.) Cafe Greek can’t possibly be a money-making enterprise, but as long as they let me eat unlimited baked fish with sesame seeds for $9.95 I don’t give a crap about their bottom line. And Sam loves the desserts.

Maybe we’ll go for a ride today. I’ll even wear a brassiere and shoes.

In this post: Quakes, bags, dumplings.

I just read on CNN.com that Los Angeles had a 5.1-magnitude earthquake last night followed by a bunch of smaller aftershocks. The quake’s epicenter was in Fullerton (in Orange County) but shaking was felt all over the region, including the Hollywood Hills, Rodeo Drive, beautiful downtown Burbank and the usual list of snooty stores and restaurants. Also palm trees. Sam and I have a lot of family in L.A. and we both hope you’re all okay and nobody’s bathroom mirror fell off. EARTHQUAKES ARE SCARY.

This is a perfect opportunity for Texas diners to switch to Chinese.

In this post: Bustling activity, a citrus dilemma.

Howdygram headquarters has been bustling with SENIOR CITIZEN EXCITEMENT today, as evidenced by the neatly-typed list that appears below.

I WOKE UP AT 2:45 A.M. In case you give a crap, I had aching shins — glorioski! something new! — plus chest pains from being hunched over in a weird position and burning hot hands with stabby electric shocks due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy. The best remedy was to drink a South Pacific Marcytini — this is a regular Marcytini with some sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powder mixed in — and diddle around at my desk until I felt like a regular person again. I went back to bed at 4:15. (Sam didn’t know I was gone.)

Pringles, the pre-chewed grease chips in a can for morons who play with their food.

In this post: Healthcare.gov, duck lips.

A couple of things before I forget! First, President Obama personally asked me to post the following important announcement because you only have FOUR DAYS LEFT to enroll in the Affordable Care Act for 2014. THE DEADLINE IS MARCH 31 AND THIS IS A VERY BIG DEAL. Please remind everybody you know, okay?

A new appliance and an easy homemade old people’s potato salad recipe.

In this post: Washing things, eating things.

That sound you hear in the background? Yes, it’s LAUNDRY DAY again at Howdygram headquarters! At the moment I’ve got towels in the dryer and a load of socks and whites spinning in the wash. I honestly can’t imagine anything that’s more entertaining on a Thursday afternoon except for refilling my pill sorter or possibly a nap.

Yes, friends, there are haircuts in hell.

In this post: Style guide.

So here’s the thing, fashionistas. Next time you’re having a bad hair day you should think of life in North Korea, the garden spot of Asia, where monster-in-chief Kim Jong-un has established MANDATORY HAIRSTYLES for men and women. Women may choose from any of the 18 fashion-forward cold war haircuts pictured below.

Learn how to make Sam’s favorite marinated salad.

In this post: Good things to eat.

My project du jour? Making a huge tub of cucumber & onion salad because SAM LOVES THIS STUFF and he requested it last night when he got home from work. My recipe is an old standard (I learned it from mom) with four basic ingredients: cucumbers, onions, vinegar and sugar. However I like to use two kinds of onions (red and white) and due to having diabetes I prefer granulated Splenda to sugar. A sprinkle of dill is nice, too. (Also black pepper.)

Sam will be heading to Wal-Mart this morning to load up on ingredients and I’m so excited I typed out my grocery list at 5 a.m.

I’ve been hacked.

In this post: Generosity, suspension, canned goods.

I’ve got some breaking news for those of you following the tale of my wayward shipment from Netrition. Today they RESHIPPED MY ENTIRE ORDER from back on March 11, not just the contents of the one damaged carton that UPS returned to them. Holy crap, everybody … we’ll be PACKED TO THE RAFTERS here with duplicate pumpernickel, hot dog buns, cookies, pasta sauce, chili, sugar-free fake Kool-Aid drink mixes and chocolate bars! That’s about $150 worth of free food! I’m sure the customer service Einsteins at Netrition think they’re being generous, helpful and accommodating, but WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THIS STUFF? Our pantry is already jammed with — among other things — Hormel tamales, Spam, Vienna sausages, Loma Linda fake meat and teeny cans of ham floating in mystery juice that arrive regularly in caseloads from Wal-Mart and Amazon. Please don’t tell Sam about this yet so I can make a plan. HEY! WANT TO COME FOR DINNER?

Oscar Pistorius is a douchebag and other important things for Tuesday.

In this post: New red, important things.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but as of 3:45 Monday afternoon — and for no apparent reason whatsoever — I started using A DIFFERENT SHADE OF RED for the Howdygram’s accent color! Although I’m pretty sure nobody except me gives a crap about this, in case you can’t tell the difference (or don’t know what I’m talking about) the following example will absolutely knock your socks off:

Cheese doesn’t make any noise.

In this post: Misinformation, quiet sandwiches.

Boy, did I ever screw up. Do you remember that UPS tracking debacle from one of yesterday’s posts? I was confused. Apparently UPS returned my damaged carton — the one I was supposed to receive on March 17 — to Netrition, and it’s on the truck for delivery today in upstate New York, NOT here at Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite, Texas. So, I just sent an email to Netrition’s customer service team and asked them to please re-ship my order IMMEDIATELY and stop horsing around already before I have a nervous breakdown.

Marie Osmond looks like a drag queen.

In this post: Stinking checks, Heckle & Jeckle.

The long, tedious shlep to complete retirement presses on. This morning, for instance, I’m sad to report that my few remaining website clients are still lousing things up and giving me a brain hemorrhage. Second-quarter web hosting payments are due tomorrow, and seven of them — SEVEN! — haven’t bothered to send me their stinking checks yet. They all received two nicely-written reminder emails in March (one with an invoice attached) and none of them even bothered to respond. Are any of those weasles still alive? Looks like things will have to get ugly around here again. Late fees! EVERYBODY HAS TO PAY LATE FEES!

Movies you shouldn’t miss.

In this post: Another movie list.

Holy crap, I almost forgot to post the following list of upcoming excellent movies on TCM that you shouldn’t miss. Five films on Wednesday are part of TCM’s Mary Astor Month festival.

Sunday night doldrums highlighted by bathing in the sink.

In this post: Redelivery, baby Sam, Plan B.

Hey, remember the damaged box from my last Netrition order (see previous post, paragraph titled “Sucky Reason #3”) that UPS never delivered on March 18? The tracking information on UPS’s website reads like “War and Peace” — check out the screen shot below — but apparently Netrition finally reshipped everything from upstate New York for overnight delivery TOMORROW. Wow, people, that’s one damn expensive shipment, considering the carton contains nine really heavy glass quart bottles of DaVinci sugar-free flavored syrups plus three boxes of chocolate bars, three bottles of sugar-free Thai chili sauce and a jar of Stevita sugar-free fake cherry Kool-Aid drink mix!

God willing and weather permitting I might clean out the freezer tonight.

In this post: Screaming, organizing, dining.

Know why I love the Howdygram? I CAN TYPE IN ALL CAPS* WHENEVER I WANT AND NOBODY’S ALLOWED TO GIVE ME ANY CRAP ABOUT IT. Caps are liberating. Try it sometime. It feels like you’re SCREAMING AT THE WORLD, and lately there’s plenty to scream about. For instance:

1. Sam had to go to work today. On Sunday!
2. Russia steals Crimea; NATO says Moldova is next (see below). Romney blames Obama.
3. Missing airplanes.
4. Killer mudslides.
5. Exploding helicopters.
6. An oil spill in Galveston Bay.
7. The ebola virus is rampant in Guinea.
8. Tiger Woods misses the Arnold Palmer Invitational.

I can hardly wait to scorch my Ball Park Smoked White Fat-Free Turkey Franks!

In this post: Overtime, kitchen gadgets, celebrities.

Here’s some sad and pathetic news: SAM HAD TO GO TO WORK TODAY and probably won’t be home until 4 a.m. This sucks, right? Fortunately he managed to squeeze in a three-hour nap after lunch — actually, we both did — so at least I know he’s not feeling like a zombie. To amuse myself in Sam’s absence I immediately ordered an adorable stainless steel toaster oven from Wal-Mart for $39 ... the exact same brand and model that Amazon sells for $156. Click here to see for yourself! I’M NOT KIDDING!

We love Costco.

In this post: Moaning, shopping, remodeling.

3:15 A.M. Know what? I feel so thoroughly miserable right now I almost can’t use my damn keyboard! I woke up half an hour ago with a substantial fever and severe joint and muscle pain, and Sam heard me moaning when I got out of bed and helped me shlep into the study so I can sit here rocking back and forth like a large turnip. He also brought me a Marcytini from the kitchen with a mountain of ice because my hands feel like they’re on fire and I like holding the glass.

It’s amazing how you can talk yourself into eating insane crap when you have diabetes.

In this post: Shirataki on sale.

In case you don’t have anything productive to do tonight here’s a hot tip from our Happy Homemaker department! Zero-calorie shirataki noodles are 10% off through March 28 at Asian Food Grocer, and if you love this crap as much as I do you’ll drop everything RIGHT NOW and buy yourself a bunch. Asian Food Grocer has the best prices on the Internet plus cheap flat-rate shipping. I just ordered some Skinny brand shirartaki angel hair noodles and shirataki rice.

I’m picturing various scenarios where Sam hoses me down in the back yard with our new power washer.

In this post: Hosing off, excellent things from Amazon.

It’s official. We have an appointment with The Grout Doctor on Tuesday, and the crew will be here between 8 and 9 a.m. to recaulk and regrout the shower in our master bathroom. I should be excited as hell, but unfortunately this whole hoo-hah is turning out to be an unexpected inconvenience. Clayton — our personal grout physician — asked us not to use the shower on Sunday or Monday or for 48 hours after they finish the work. That’s FIVE DAYS, people! This isn’t a big crisis for Sam because he can shower in our guest bathroom, but I can’t because I’ve got serious mobility issues, there’s nowhere to sit down (the shower in our master bath has a marble bench) and I don’t want to fall over, start crying or have a nervous breakdown. At the moment I’m picturing various scenarios where Sam hoses me down in the back yard with our new power washer. (Don’t tell the neighbors.) Holy crap.

Breakfast will probably be a couple of Tylenol over-easy with toast.

In this post: Kvetch report, Hackneyburgers.

It’s 5:15 a.m. and welcome to the pre-dawn Howdygram. I woke up about 40 minutes ago with severe joint and muscle pain all over my body and decided to check my temperature. Yup, I’m running a fever of 99.2°. Stop laughing, okay? That’s REALLY HIGH when a person’s normal temperature is 96°, such as yours truly’s, and explains why I feel like crap and why I’m drinking a big lemonade with a ton of ice. Thank you.

Today’s hot topic: caulk and grout.

In this post: The Great Dallas Jampocalypse, a grout emergency.

Hi, guys. Before I address today’s hot topic — caulk and grout — I thought y’all might be interested in a couple of photos from a massive traffic jam yesterday in north Dallas ... an event The Dallas Morning News has dubbed the “jampocalypse.” What you see here are the eastbound lanes of I-635, also known as the LBJ Freeway, backed up from a five-car wreck at Skillman Avenue. Cars, trucks, vans and pickups driven by authentic Texas yahoos are seen here headed in two directions on the same side of the freeway, doing wheelies on the grassy knoll (Texans are fond of grassy knolls), attempting three-point turns in traffic lanes and backing up on the shoulders. Being a housebound senior citizen definitely has its advantages.

Chocolate chip cookies to the rescue.

In this post: Killing time.

It’s 4 a.m. and I should be in bed right now. Unfortunately a hypoglycemic episode woke me from a sound sleep about 45 minutes ago — it always amazes me when that happens! — so I decided to sit around with a box of chocolate chip cookies until I feel steady enough to go back to bed. At this point, though, I think I might hang out in the study for a little while and wait for Sam to get home from work. I hope it’s SOON because he’s supposed to start work tomorrow morning at 11 (instead of 2 p.m.) and won’t have time to get any sleep.

Dallas has a lot of millionaires, such as the Ewings of Southfork Ranch.

In this post: Sam, millionaires, braunschweiger.

Sam is working late tonight or he would have been home two hours ago. Yes, his hours are insane. If you’re wondering what the hell he does for a living, I’ll simply say that Sam is a senior project manager in the financial print industry, and his job involves helping corporate clients prepare and submit to the SEC confidential transactional and compliance documents related to IPOs, mergers, acquisitions and other fancy whatnots like quarterly and annual financial reports. He also answers the phone.

Magic plumbing fairies came over last night.

In this post: Easy fixes, a kvetch report.

I’ve got some incredible news. A team of MAGIC PLUMBING FAIRIES came over while we were sleeping last night and fixed the problem with our new Whirlpool water heater!

After this thing was installed on Monday we weren’t getting any pressure in the shower in our master bathroom and the temperature was pooping out to lukewarm before we were halfway finished. Sam left a voice mail for the installation team from Lowe’s, and they called back to explain that a new water heater can sometimes cause sediment to get stuck temporarily in the trap behind the shower (who knew?) and cause the problems we were having. This morning, though, everything was COMPLETELY BACK TO NORMAL all by itself with plenty of scalding hot water (Sam enjoys the “lobster” effect) and pressure like Niagara Falls. And then we swapped our shower head with the guest bathroom ... JUST FOR FUN!

However, if this is unnecessarily confusing — or if you simply don’t give a crap — please feel free to move along to the next paragraph. Thank you.

I think the Affordable Care Act is a much better deal than cheap corndogs.

In this post: Healthcare.gov, National Corndog Day.

Before I forget, a very important deadline is coming up for the Affordable Care Act, and Michelle Obama has asked me to post the following reminder on my blog:

Low pressure, a frownyface and hysterical hair.

In this post: Tuesday sucked, a Nutella knockoff.

For the record, Tuesday pretty much sucked around here for the following reasons:

SUCKY REASON #1. Something is weird with the new Whirlpool water heater that was installed on Monday. We’re not getting good water pressure in the shower in our master bath and the heat dwindles down to lukewarm before we’re half finished. Sam called Lowe’s and asked for the installers to come back and troubleshoot because we’re freezing to death and crabby.

A story of fear and self-loathing in Texas. Also pumpernickel.

In this post: Nice weather, GOP bullshittery.

Hi, people. It’s a a lovely, sunny, 80° Tuesday afternoon in north Texas, just the kind of adorable weather we wish we’d have all year round instead of triple-digit heat from June through September when you can’t touch your car door handles, think about going out to lunch or even enjoy your own patio with shorts, lemonade and a Fred Astaire biography. Please let me know if this makes any sense to you because I’m awfully confused right now.

Mothers ... don’t let your sons grow up to be bronies!

In this post: Bad decisions.

It’s still St. Patrick’s Day and I still don’t care.

Real bread is better than sex or a William Powell film festival.

In this post: St. Patrick, late installation, real bread.

It’s time once again for the western world to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, that beloved Irish holiday commemorating the patron saint of beer. Although Sam and I are not Irish and seriously don’t give a crap about St. Patrick’s Day in any way whatsoever, we’ll do our part to not be old crabasses about it and eat something green today with lunch. I’m thinking olives.

Bruce Jenner and Macaulay Culkin. What the hell happened to these people?

In this post: Marshmallow bunnies, hot water, mock celebrities.

Shalom y’all. It’s the crack of dawn at Howdygram headquarters and I’m shopping for sugar-free marshmallow Easter bunnies on Russell Stover’s website while I wait for Sam to wake up. I’ve got a plan to jump in the shower about 30 minutes from now because there’s an installation crew coming over at 8 with our new Whirlpool water heater, and once they get started in the garage we won’t have any hot water for a few hours.

Breaking news from our Buy This Crap Fast Before the Price Goes Up department.

In this post: Hypoglycemia, hot dogs, emergency coffee, North Korea.

5:25 A.M. Oy. I’ve been awake for an hour and I’m a mess. My eyes are watering, I’ve got a nasal drip and my blood sugar is SCARY LOW (50) so I’ve been binge-eating Wal-Mart glucose tablets (the raspberry ones) for the last 20 minutes. I wish I had a Marcytini but this would involve a round-trip to the kitchen and I’m not sure I can walk that far because HYPOGLYCEMIA. So I’ll annoy you instead.

Today has been a whirlwind of senior citizen excitement.

In this post: Rain, baloney, bargains, speedy meals.

I don’t believe it, people. IT RAINED HERE TODAY! As a matter of fact, it rained HARD for several consecutive hours and, as I write this post, I can still hear thunder somewhere in the distance. (It’s probably heading into Arkansas.) The following screenshot from Weather.com was taken about an hour ago. The big red star in the middle denotes Howdygram headquarters. Everything here is really, really wet right now.

I have no idea whatsoever how insulin syringes and incontinence supplies connect to St. Patrick’s Day.

In this post: Diabetic leprechauns, Chinese food porn.

Glorioski. I just got an email promoting a “Luck o’ the Irish” sale at DiabetesSupplies4Less even though I’m not Irish, I’ve never been Irish, I don’t intend to be Irish and I have no idea whatsoever how insulin syringes and incontinence supplies connect to St. Patrick’s Day. Therefore, to celebrate not being Irish I just ordered three boxes of FreeStyle Lite diabetes test strips from eBay because they have no leprechaun clip art and better prices.

Happy Pi Day, people.

In this post: Pass the pi.

Good morning, people. It’s Friday, March 14, and I’d like extend our very best wishes for a HAPPY PI DAY from the math-averse crew at Howdygram headquarters! I’d celebrate for lunch with a great big pizza except I have diabetes. (Plan B involves Vienna sausages.)

This is a corporate love story. Pour a Marcytini and get comfortable.

In this post: Big fat changes, Amazon.com.

Notice anything different? There’s a big fat change in the Howdygram today! About half an hour ago I uploaded A FABULOUS NEW GRAPHIC for my signature at the bottom of every blog post. Exciting, right? (I’ll wait while you try to calm down.) An enlarged version appears below for your possible interest. This actually looks a lot like my own pre-neuropathy handwriting except I don’t have a red pen.

A surge protector will solve all my problems and everything will be perfect for the rest of my life.

In this post: Taste buds, shopping, a Putz of the Week.

I’ve got so much monumental news to tell you I almost don’t know where to start, so I thought I’d just divide this post into neatly-labeled paragraphs to help you go with the flow. Thank you.

Sam and I have the same nickname. We’re a couple of Noonies.

In this post: Noonies, tipping, sociopaths-in-training.

It’s 6:45 a.m., I’m alone in the study and my stomach is talking to me again. It sounds exactly like Sam. A few minutes ago I thought it said “Hi Noonie” — which is the way Sam greets me first thing in the morning — so I responded back “Hi Noonie” before I realized that Sam is still asleep. In case you’re wondering, yes, Sam and I have the same nickname. We’re a couple of Noonies.

Is this really as insane as it sounds? I’m a little freaked out right now. Holy crap.

The South Pacific Marcytini is my standard recipe with sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powder mixed in.

In this post: Kvetching, drinking, shopping.

Hi, people. The big news story from Howdygram headquarters? Lowe’s called yesterday afternoon and OUR NEW WHIRLPOOL WATER HEATER (pictured at left) is finally in stock and ready for installation! All I can say is, HOLY CRAP and we’re damn lucky we weren’t having a hot water emergency around here because we waited 17 days for this thing. Lowe’s says the contractor will get in touch with us Tuesday morning to set up our appointment. Oh boy, right?

The cleanest senior citizen in town might have a tamale emergency.

In this post: Insomnia, subscriptions, Einsteins on Mars.

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Don’t nag me about this; I’ve tried, and it’s just no use whatsoever. Sam and I went to bed at 1:30, but after thrashing around for half an hour I sat up and announced that I wanted to take a nice hot shower even though nobody was listening. So here I am in the study, the cleanest senior citizen in town, waiting for my hair to dry. I’ll get through this ordeal somehow.

Try my Easy Omelet in a Mug. Thank you.

In this post: Easy Omelet in a Mug.

A couple of things. First, it’s 4:15 in the afternoon, Sam is asleep in the family room and I’m doing laundry. Second, this is really as boring as it sounds but there’s nothing else to do because it’s 48° outside and really cloudy. Naps and wet socks are as productive as we’re going to get.

Goodwill doesn’t want your used typefaces.

In this post: Purging, bragging, putting.

I’ve decided to simplify my life. A couple of hours ago I deleted 363 fonts I’ve never used because they’re hideous, and if I give the situation some additional thought I could probably dig up 363 more. This is a pleasant activity and I highly recommend it. It’s a lot like cleaning out a closet except Goodwill doesn’t want your used typefaces.

I’m a retired senior citizen with an inquiring mind and way too much time on my hands.

In this post: New features, great TV, weenie jackets.

Hey. Has anybody noticed a couple of exciting new Howdygram features in our right sidebar? For instance: 1) TRENDING NOW offers our top five most-read posts during the last seven days; and 2) FAVORITE READS is a list of my preferred topical blogs and news websites. I read nearly all of these on a daily basis because I’m a retired senior citizen with an inquiring mind and way too much time on my hands. Thank you.

Oy. I almost forgot.

In this post: Gridlock, indigestion.

I thought you might be interested in a neatly-typed list of the top 10 most traffic-gridlocked cities in the United States according to a study by Time.com. They are:

1. Los Angeles, California
2. Honolulu, Hawaii
3. San Francisco, California
4. Austin, Texas
5. New York, New York
6. Bridgeport, Connecticut
7. San José, California
8. Seattle, Washington
9. Boston, Massachusetts
10. Washington, D.C.

A tale of price-fixing, braunschweiger and the destruction of life as we know it.

In this post: Business hijinks.

Holy crap. Know what time FedEx finally delivered my shipment of Vienna sport peppers and giardiniera last night? ALMOST MIDNIGHT. Usually I’m willing to eat damn near anything, any time of the day or night, but retired senior citizens have to draw the line somewhere. Bottom line, I didn’t eat any peppers at bedtime. (I’ll open a jar for breakfast instead.)

I think poor Sam is starving to death.

In this post: Spam, Sam.

While I sit here dreaming about Spam tonight for an early dinner I think I need to apologize (again) for part of a Howdygram post I wrote yesterday. Specifcally this one, the paragraph titled BIG FAT CHANGE #3. Sam said it sounded mean. (He’s right, it did.) Thank you.

The top five most overlooked warning signs that you’re ready to blow somebody’s brains out.

In this post: Divorcing AARP, South African prowlers, a movie review.

I’ve got sort of an addendum to my previous post. I forgot to mention that last night I unsubscribed from AARP’s emails, too! I’d been receiving an average of two or three EVERY DAMN DAY for as long as I can remember and finally got so sick of their annoying messages I wanted to scream. A few of AARP’s typical email subjects included: incessant offers for car insurance, health insurance, marine insurance, Medicare supplements and term life; where to get member discounts on rental cars, pizza, motels, shower caps, prescriptions, lawn mowers, adult bibs, power scooters, douchebags, nail files, laptops, patio awnings and cell phones; the top 10 cities for retirement; why your feet are swollen; learn to protect your money from people who think you’re really old and stupid; how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe; songs you should be singing; look out for identity theft; six things that can make you itch; how to land the job you want (I don’t want a stinking job! I’M RETIRED, YOU IDIOTS!); eat these foods to fight depression; sex after 60; and the top five most overlooked warning signs that YOU’RE READY TO BLOW SOMEBODY’S BRAINS OUT. You get my drift, right?

I’ll probably never spend any actual money again on fonts for the rest of my life.

In this post: Changes, spring rolls, mustard-mania.

Know what? I just realized there have been THREE BIG FAT CHANGES at Howdygram headquarters since I retired last June and discontinued my web design/graphic design business. (Ovation Creative, remember?)

Excellent emergency meals if you’re having a meal emergency.

In this post: Food.

Sam is working late tonight (he just called) so I decided to kill a little time online finalizing our Schwan’s order for tomorrow’s home delivery. Here’s what we’re getting (see below). Those adorable Shrimp Spring Rolls are BRAND NEW and I’ll bet I’m the first customer in the United States to try them! (Maybe not. Take a deep breath.)

The New Jersey dirtbags are headed to prison.

In this post: Very important things.

This is a day full of very important things, which I’ll list for you below in no particular order whatsoever.

A BIG FEDEX DELIVERY. Today’s wonderful load of crap includes three separate shipments from Wal-Mart featuring Snyder’s honey & mustard pretzels for Sam, Hormel roast beef hash, convenient little bags of StarKist tuna, Spam, six jars of Mezzetta spicy veggies — carrots! cauliflower! celery! nuclear peppers! — and a box of Ziploc gallon storage bags. Wondering how come I buy these things online? It’s because I’ve got a variety of lousy mobility issues, I haven’t set foot inside a supermarket for about five years and Sam hates grocery shopping. So now you can stop worrying about this, okay? (Thank you.)

I’ll just ramble for a while until you get sick of me. (In other words, business as usual.)

In this post: Lunt and Fontanne.

I want to write another Howdygram post but I can’t think of a subject right now, even a stupid one. Believe me, I’ve tried. For the last three hours, off and on, I’ve been browsing news and gossip websites, my favorite progressive blogs — Right Wing Watch, The Raw Story, Talking Points Memo, The Democratic Underground — and can’t come up with ANYTHING. So I’ll just ramble for a while until you get sick of me. (In other words, business as usual.)

It’s Mary Astor Month on Turner Classic Movies. Tell your friends, okay?

In this post: Must-see movies.

I’ve got a news flash for you, movie fans … March is MARY ASTOR MONTH on Turner Classic Movies and they’re showing her films every Wednesday in prime-time. While there are a few good ones coming up on March 5 — Dodsworth (1935) with Walter Huston is my favorite — the list on March 12 is freakin’ FABULOUS. Included are: The Maltese Falcon (1941) and Across the Pacific (1942), both with Humhrey Bogart; The Hurricane (1937) with C. Aubrey Smith and Jon Hall; The Prisoner of Zenda (1937) with Ronald Colman; Behind Office Doors (1931) with Ricardo Cortez; The Lash (1930) with Richard Barthelmess; and There’s Always a Woman (1938) with Melvyn Douglas and Joan Blondell. Oh boy, right?

What’s everybody eating tonight?

In this post: Winter storm, Republican weatherpeople, hating Oscars.

We’ve had a diaperload of shitty weather in the Dallas metro area today. I’ll begin with a reminder that it was 80° here yesterday, okay? Overnight the temperature fell more than 50° to BELOW FREEZING, and so far today we’ve had torrential rain, thunder and two hours of nothing followed by additional thunder, a hailstorm, a barrage of ice pellets and light snow. It’s 8:15 p.m. as I write this paragraph, and outside it’s 18° with a stiff breeze from the north gusting to 22 m.p.h., which makes the wind chill a stinking 5°. For Texas, people, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY REPULSIVE. And we’re still under a winter storm warning because the roads are a wreck and Texans don’t know how to drive.* Yes, I’m whining. DEAL WITH IT.

I just discovered the Vienna Beef website.

In this post: Another weather failure, a hot & spicy life.

I woke up half an hour ago for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure — also hoping to enjoy some expected thunderstorms — but once again the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com missed their forecast by miles. And hours. The storms that were supposed to be rolling through here as I write this post have been shoved back to around 10 a.m., but I sure wouldn’t bet the ranch on it.