McDonald’s hopes you remembered to tip your masseuse.

In this post: Urgent emergency crap, McDonald’s fails.

Apparently the nationwide UPS and FedEx holiday delivery fiasco isn’t quite over yet, as I have two mysteriously missing packages that were due to arrive today. One was shipped FedEx from Wal-Mart in Albany, New York, but can’t seem to get itself out of Ohio; the other is an Amazon package that’s been stuck at the UPS sort facility in Fort Worth since Tuesday. Let me be perfectly clear about this: both shipments contain URGENT EMERGENCY RATIONS and I WANT MY URGENT EMERGENCY RATIONS NOW! This includes cans of Dinty Moore Beef Stew, La Choy Chow Mein in various flavors, two jars of Wal-Mart’s knockoff Arthritis-Strength Tylenol and a large jug of McCormick Spaghetti Sauce Mix. All are pictured below for your possible interest.

Show of hands. Have any of you been following the hoo-hah in the news about McDonald’s internal “McResource” employee website? Apparently the company finally decided to kill it this month following an embarrassing string of outrageously mean and inappropriate advice that included:

• In July, a proposed sample budget for struggling employees recommended a second job to try and make a livable wage. Even worse, the sample budget neglected to include line items for rent and food.
• In November, ideas on how to save money by selling possessions on eBay and starving. For instance, “Breaking food into pieces often results in eating less and still feeling full.”
• For Christmas, the website reminded employees to tip their nannies, housekeepers, pool cleaners, masseuses and personal trainers.
• Last week — as the final, unforgivable gaffe — the fast food company advised its employees not to eat fast food because it’s unhealthy.

Employees can, of course, still call McDonald’s helpful toll-free McResource hotline. It seems that a labor advocate recently released a recorded call where an operator advised a worker to augment her $8.25-an-hour salary with food stamps and Medicaid. Society has hit a new low, people. One of America’s most successful corporations says it’s time to push workers onto WELFARE since the labor market can no longer support basic human needs. (Wal-Mart’s been doing this for years.) Holy crap.