Thank God I’ve always got green olives and chocolate soy milk on hand for emergencies.

In this post: Celebrating incontinence, shopping Schwan’s.

I have to admit, it’s an unexpected surprise to be conscious right now. After only two hours of sleep last night — no, that’s not a typo — I’ve had a strange and incoherent day, drifting between interconnected naps and a small, forgettable quantity of nourishment sometime around 11:15 a.m. I think it was half a cup of egg salad and part of a low-carb biscuit leftover from Sunday, but maybe I just imagined it. I know my blood sugar is only 57 right now, though, which means whatever I ate for lunch wasn’t nearly enough. Thank God I’ve always got green olives and chocolate soy milk on hand for emergencies.

Here’s the latest from our Social Events That Make You Know For Sure You’re Getting Old department. Today in the mail I get an invitation to a free seminar at Baylor University Medical Center. It’s “Take Control of Your Urinary Incontinence,” coming up on October 24 at the Cree Auditorium in Dallas with donuts. (Try to visualize the line for the restrooms during intermission.) This is only slightly less insulting than the intriguing funeral-planning symposium I declined in August. Holy crap.

That sound you hear in the background? LAUNDRY. I’ve got a load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer ... and many more yet to go. It’s my goal to get everything caught up before Sam leaves for California on Saturday because it’s a bad idea to send your husband on a trip without socks and underwear. I’m just saying.

I just placed my biweekly Schwan’s order for tomorrow’s home delivery. If you’ve never tried Schwan’s you should give them a shot so that you, too, can enjoy the convenience of having tasty frozen whatnots shlepped into your kitchen by a pleasant uniformed doofus! My delivery tomorrow will include all of the following:

Incidentally, the Howdygram does NOT recommend eating corn dogs with celery sticks and ketchup under any circumstances.

Because every day is a perfect day for Chinese food, don’t miss this valuable coupon from Panda Express for a FREE ORDER of their new Honey Sesame Chicken! The coupon is only good on Wednesday, October 2 (tomorrow), so don’t screw this up, okay? Use the link below the photo. You can email any leftovers to me.

Thank you for reading this.